All I Want To Be Is Done

In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.

Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.

Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.

Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.

Because this is the year we finally stopped trying....to help God....with conception.

Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.

I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.

By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.

Just Say No To Drugs

I have now been off Chlomid for 4 months.

The side effects have been gone for 2 months.

All except 1 that is.

Without getting into TMI, the vitality of my eggs has stayed almost as strong as when on Chlomid. Yay!

This means we are definitely choosing not to go back on Chlomid. Although, we were pretty certain I wasn't going to go back on again anyway. Not after how much pain I was in on the 8th month of it built up in my system.

Now we wait.

Wait for God to do His thing.

Hope is my Strength

Well we are just on the last effects of the last of the Chlomid today.
After 8 months of riding that rollercoaster we (well, I) will be taking a break from the drug.
For at least one month.

Maybe longer.

Maybe forever.
And I'm ok with it either way.

I'm at this place again.

Where I wonder if our own attempts are just prolonging God's intervention.
He's told me our baby will bring him so much glory.
I think he doesn't want to share it :)
I'm ok with that.
When my impatience doesn't interfere.

And so I'm at peace not going back on the drugs after the break.
Because I'm confident in the 'Yes' he's promised me.
The promises have only increased in the last few months. Greatly.
I have no reason to doubt.
Not even 8+ years of reasons will make me doubt.
I have hope.

Hope is my middle name.
Not really ;) but I've adopted it as an identifier of myself.
I will be marked by hope.
"those who hope in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31