Infertility Interview #6 - Meet Sara

This is my last interview in my series talking with women who have dealt with or are dealing with fertility struggles, how appropriate that we end with my friend Sara, my first friend who was open about her struggles when we met about 14 years ago. Thank you Sara for sharing now, as you did then, so that we can develop an open and honest culture around our struggles.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

I had bone cancer as a child and was told early on that there was only a small chance I'd ever be able to conceive. We tried for four or five years before we went to the fertility clinic to see if there was any help available. I had to go off of all my hormones for 2 months to see what my body was making it on it's own. That's when they figured out that I'm post menopausal. My ovaries are like that of a 70 or 80 year old woman. My eggs are so old they can't be fertile. Two months of hot flashes and bitchiness to find that out. The only way possible would be with donor eggs, which, in my mind, defeated the purpose.

I mourned for a long time about that. For a long time I was bitter towards anyone who complained about being pregnant; pregnant teens who 'accidentally' got pregnant; super fertile woman who had to double up on contraceptives; and anyone who was bold enough to spout off about getting an abortion.
I had to come to terms with letting go of my bitterness. I was still sad all the time.

Where are you at in your journey today?

Since adopting our daughter my sorrow has dissipated. It hits me a little bit from time to time. But over the last couple of years I have been seeing how God's planning has been in all of this. We didn't know about my heart condition until 6 years ago, and didn't know until the last year or so that it was caused by the chemotherapy I was on as a child. Heart failure caused by that particular chemo doesn't show up for 20 to 30 years down the road. If I had gotten pregnant it would quite possibly been too much for my heart and been fatal for both me and the child. Being able to recognize this has been helpful for letting go of the wishing it might still happen. It's still a little sad to know that we won't have any biological descendants, but it's never overwhelming anymore.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

People thinking it's a lack of sex/mojo that it behind our inability to conceive. Tall boots and a kinky outfit ain't going to make my ovaries go back in time!! Also, my husband is VERY attracted to me and has no problems in the "wanting" me department.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

My husband Jason has been super supportive of everything. He has never been tied to passing on his DNA I suppose. And he loves all babies, so accepting adoption was a no-brainer for him.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

For 10 years people who didn't know would ask when we were planning on 'starting a family'. I just got really vocal about answering honestly. Friends of mine would ask "Why? Do you want to help?" That answer made me laugh. Also, the popular April Fools' joke about being pregnant. NOT COOL!!

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

I suppose my biggest struggle was with trusting God and not losing hope that there was a plan.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

My biggest surprise was with the intense joy that adoption brought to my life.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The fertility struggle has always been tied up with my other health struggles (of which I have a number), so it's hard to say what my highs and lows have been with fertility or what I've done to cope. I've been a roller coaster. There are times when I want to give up completely. More often I just pushed through life. My relief came when I decided to no longer wear a mask but be open and honest with anyone and everyone about how I'm doing and where I'm at with God. Also being honest with God, recognizing that God is big enough to take my ranting and anger and doubts and still love me in the end!! People would be well meaning and tell me to read my Bible and pray, but I was unable to do those things at my lowest. I didn't ever give in to abandoning my communities of faith, but allowed them to help carry my burdens. I felt guilty about it at first until I was made aware of how my honesty was helping to strengthen the faith of others.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Worst advice? See above.... (kinky boots) Best advice? My husband telling me not to worry about a need for him to carry forward his genetics, because he didn't. And his assurance that our parents would be as thrilled with an adopted grandchild as a biological one.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Other women need to know that they are not alone. And there is no failure in not being able to conceive. Everything you feel and how you want to react is completely legitimate. No one can tell you how to cope. You have to find that on your own. But being silent and hiding your struggle WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Stigmas are around because people don't understand. People don't understand because they don't know anything. If we are open and honest it helps all the other women who struggle because we will help end the stigma by process of education. It also helps end the loneliness because then we know who our community is.

Would you have done anything differently?

We would have started working on adoption sooner if we knew then what we know now.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
Jason and Zoe (our daughter) are my biggest encouragers. They both love me just the way I am and Zoe's curiosity about my situation and how we deal is fantastic. She isn't afraid to talk to others and explain adoption to them, which is fantastic!

Infertility Interview #5 - Meet Charis

I love reuniting with old friends, and Charis was one of those great reunions a few years ago. God has a surprising way of reuniting people who suddenly have even more in common now than when you were originally friends, and I've been blessed to stay in touch with her and share those 'me too' moments with someone who just gets it. Thank you Charis for choosing to share your story and allowing your experience to help others!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

We have been trying for 5 years. We still aren't totally sure what the issue is but we know lots of things that aren't!

Where are you at in your journey today?

Physically, we are under care of Heartland Fertility Clinic in the process of determining the barrier to our fertility. Most tests have come back normal and the non-normal ones don't seem to have anyone too concerned. Spiritually, we have confidence in the words and dreams we (and friends/family) have had that we will be parents and so we rest in that. Not that there is NO anxiety or impatience but, as God reminded me not too long ago, He not only knows the plan He has for me but also the plan He has for my kid(s). If I'm not preggers then the birthday He has picked out for my kid isn't 40 weeks from now...yet.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

That I must be devastated when friends tell me they are expecting. I have a hard time going to baby showers (I send gifts but don't go) but I am genuinely happy for my friends who get pregnant. I can hold joy in my heart for them even when I still am sad for my own wait.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

We made the choice before we got married that we want to adopt at some point. We always said that we want to be parents, not that we want to be pregnant. Pregnancy would be awesome but that is not our end goal. We both cope in a similar manner but we find that we have opposite good and bad days. So when I'm internalising and having a cry-fest he supports me. It never feels like patronising though because when he's internalising and dealing with things, I get to support him. We have both passed pretty much all our tests so there isn't "blame". We do find that we need to remind each other of that often though. That we are both apparently fertile, just not together at this point.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

As a pastors wife I feel that the Christian world is more difficult for me to fit in. No one knows what to do with a pastors wife who isn't a newlywed nor a mother. I get lumped with women 10-15 years my junior at events and there are no devotionals that deal with being a Godly woman without bringing in kids and family dynamics. I find that secular life is easier for me to be my true (currently childless) self in without making other people uncomfortable with my lack.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

The emotional roller coaster. I've had to struggle to stay in my "numb" space so I don't get overly happy/anxious/etc when I'm a day late.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

That I could find a "numb" space. And also how many of my friends from high school have had this same journey.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Mostly. Spiritually, yes. Emotionally, yes for the past 3 years but not before that. Physically....it's a struggle. Kinda doesn't feel like there's a purpose to that some days.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The toughest time was about 8 months in to trying when we realised this would be a struggle. I was also dealing with some pretty brutal general anxiety and hubby was working 18 hour days so I spent a lot of time crying and yelling at God. That's when He started talking to me and giving me dreams and sending me friends with specific words of encouragement.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Best= you are already a parent in your heart. Live like it. Be aware of how you live so that when you bring a child (bio or adopted) into your home, you don't have to change everything. 

Worst= just relax and don't think about it too much. It'll happen when your body is ready. Relax? Don't think about it!!??? That's like telling a kid to not think about the fresh hot cookies that you just out on the table! They can't think of anything else now that you've mentioned it!

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Relax and don't stress about it.

Acknowledge what you can and cannot control. Take responsibility for the things within your control and find a way to release responsibility for the things that are outside of what you can manage. The stress of trying to control things that aren't yours to control will add barriers to your journey.

Would you have done anything differently?

Maybe not tried so hard to prevent pregnancy for the first 10 years of our marriage. Not really though. We both worked 60-80 hour weeks at jobs that we enjoyed during our 20's and early 30's. We chose that life even though we knew that we might have to wait a bit longer for kids later due to age. We never expected an extra 5-6 year wait but we weren't naive in our choice.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?

Friends who support us through prayer.

Infertility Interview #4 - Meet Kristy

I am blessed that Kristy and I share the same desire to walk alongside other women so that no one ever has to feel the loneliness we both faced respectively. We met because we wanted to use our experiences to support other women and now we share an online Facebook support group for those facing fertility struggles, called Faith-Filled Fertility. I am so encouraged by your story and by your passion Kristy, thank you for sharing!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?
We have the famous ‘unexplained’ label which was the worst part. It was hard to fully grieve and have finality when there was always a chance. We were married for 10 years before we became parents through the miracle of adoption. I don’t know if I can mark the exact dates of ‘trying’ per say, as I still technically deal with infertility. We have now been married for 14 years and have two kids through adoption.

Where are you at in your journey today?
I love being a mom to my two miracles. I definitely had to walk through a real grieving process before I got the point of choosing adoption. It’s something that I had to walk through for me and for my children. I didn’t want adoption to be my ‘second’ choice, but my first – so I had to grieve the loss of biology and experiencing pregnancy. I would still love more children, but would at this point, rather adopt than conceive… crazy to hear myself say that now… it’s been a long journey, but God is so good. He has worked very hard to heal those places. It isn’t always easy. I struggle with not having a ‘choice’ to grow our family – adoption is NOT easy and NOT guaranteed. As well as missing out on the first part of my kids lives.. that was tough too. I still feel a little bit of something, I don’t know, maybe it’s longing, when I see pregnant ladies and newborns. It is something I live with – infertility, but it no longer defines me the way it did in those dark years. It is something that God can now use in me to reach out and support others. It has changed me, but for the good.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?
The hardest is being so misunderstood. I sometimes wished for a broken arm, an outside pain or hurt – just so others could relate, or offer their sympathies. It wasn’t a ‘real’ loss to the people around me. It was something to ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from. That was so painful.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?
We went through a really tough time. When I was in the depths of the grieving, he was just trying to ‘make it better’, but couldn’t. We really needed help at that point. We did go to counseling. I’m proud of that and not ashamed to shout it from a mountain top... if you are going through a hard thing – GO TO COUNSELING! It rocks!!! Communicate!!! Read books about it together so that he can understand the woman’s side from other sources other than his crazy wifeJ Find someone for your husband to talk/relate too. (Mine is always open to chat and support!) and continue to just take days OFF – just do fun stuff that makes you laugh!

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?
I guess the whole ‘woman’ thing. Just not always feeling like a ‘real’ woman because my body didn’t do what it was supposed too. That my kids are any less mine because they didn’t grow in my belly, but in my heart instead. So much is geared towards ‘normal’ families, that sometimes we feel left out. But we know that God knows, He created me to be who I am and is using me just the way I am. I am no less and neither are my kids any less wholly mine.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?
The unknown. Fear that I would never be a mom. As well as little by little my world got smaller and smaller. Everyone around us had growing families and started moving on with life. It was a very lonely time.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?
The new friends and relationships along the way. We have ‘infertility’ friends, which really become the deepest of friendships as you journey together, learn, cry and celebrate together. We also have our ‘adoption’ and ‘foster’ friend circle too. And most of all the kids that God gifted us with.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
Go learn something new. I took photography courses, had creative nights (oh how I miss those nights … ha ha) Do things you love. Serve. Go deeper with God.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
The hardest part of it all was the ‘unexplained’ and that nothing we tried worked. Going through all of the testing, surgeries and sitting in fertility clinics only brought me deeper and deeper into darkness and hopelessness. It was an extremely excruciating and desperate time in my life. Every month I felt like my dream of becoming a mom was being crushed. I felt real loss every month, even though I never had a ‘tangible’ loss. It was so lonely and isolating. It is one of the reasons I want to speak out today, because I don’t ever want another woman walking the journey to ever feel alone.

What was the best and worst advice you received?
I think if it was advice... it just stung. But anyone who sympathized, prayed and offered a shoulder was so appreciated. The best was always someone who had walked it, but I did have friends who could just listen and empathize. They didn’t have to fully understand the journey, but just acknowledge the pain, and that was a true blessing to me.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?
You are NOT alone! Call me. We will go for coffee. I will give you my e-mail. We will do this as a community. HUGS!

Would you have done anything differently?
Yes. And No. ha ha. It’s hard to say. In one sense I know that I couldn’t have moved through the grieving any faster, but if I knew the other side I wouldn’t have gone so crazy. I usually say it’s not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy nor is it a journey that I would prevent from my best friend. When you can feel the deepest pain, you can also experience the greatest joy. There is NOTHING like stepping off of a plane with a child you waited and prayed for, for YEARS. NOTHING. It made me who I am and my family looks the way it does because of it. Hard. Yes. Never want to do that again. Oh yeah. But change it? Nope.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
My amazing Jesus. His goodness, His new mercies, His redemptive power. AND. Meeting other strong, courageous, beautiful, wonderfully made, amazing women who have not only survived through this journey, but thrived. Who have not moved ON, but moved forward with grace, dignity and boldness. Being understood and giving understanding. I love all of you!

Infertility Interview #3 - Meet Rolanda

I've known Rolanda for more than 2/3 rds of my life and yet didn't know this part of her story until just the last 2 years. I am so glad she has opened up about her journey because I've received a lot of encouragement and hope from what she's shared, I hope you do to.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

My story is quite a bit different than the usual infertility journey. I actually conceive very quickly. My first child was conceived with no issues or complications and I carried her to term. All was good. When we conceived the 2nd time, I miscarried at 9 weeks gestation. Miscarriages are very common and even though I was heartbroken I believed it was a normal miscarriage. Then we conceived with our 3rd pregnancy shortly after and I miscarried again. I thought perhaps something was wrong but I didn't really know a lot about pregnancy and miscarriage. I had a doctor's appointment and she recommended having some blood work done throughout my cycle to follow my hormone levels. As it turned out, I had very low progesterone levels in my luteal phase. I was diagnosed with a luteal phase defect in which I would be expected to miscarry any subsequent pregnancies. For my following pregnancies I have had to follow a regimen of Clomid with one pregnancy and progesterone suppositories for the first trimester each time I conceived.

Where are you at in your journey today?

Currently have 5 healthy children and my husband recently had a vasectomy as we felt our family was complete.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

Many people feel that because I am able to conceive and carry to term with the help of medication then I don't qualify as infertile. However, the medical field qualifies me as infertile because I need medication to stay pregnant...in some ways I feel as if I don't really fit into any group when it comes to pregnancy. I can conceive quite easily but my pregnancies are wrought with fears of miscarriage and having to endure gross treatments to stay pregnant.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

My husband has been extremely supportive during our pregnancy struggles. He has mourned with me many times over the loss of our 2 babies and shared in my frustration with having to use medications and deal with their side effects. I would also add that I dealt with my miscarriages by creating scrapbook albums for each of my losses. I included cards, notes, poems, verses and ultrasound photos of the babies. Anything that I had to remember that time and those pregnancies went into those scrapbooks. "Trying to conceive" is way more stressful on a marriage than if it "just happens". This was true in our marriage as well. During the TTC stages I had to make a concentrated effort to remain focused on my husband as my friend and partner rather than just a donor. wink emoticon

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

My biggest frustration with my fertility struggles has been having to use medication at all. Clomid gave me many unpleasant side effects and the progesterone suppositories are uncomfortable to use and also gave me some mild side effects.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

The biggest surprise about this journey was my firstborn. Medically speaking a luteal phase defect is always present and should have prevented me from having a normal conception/pregnancy with her. I view it as God's grace to me and His way of giving me hope during my subsequent struggles that I had one child and could look forward to the possibility of more.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Looking back on my journey, I probably didn't take as good care of myself as I should/could have. Physically I tried to stay healthy with good diet and exercise, emotionally and spiritually I didn't do so good. I chose to keep my pregnancy losses and struggles to myself until recently. When I miscarried the 2nd time I felt like a failure and that I was doing something wrong. When I got my diagnosis of LPD, I truly felt like it was my fault. I wasn't doing something "good enough" and my body was rebelling against itself. It felt unnatural to have to use medications and I struggled with the feeling that I was playing God vs letting nature take it's course. Because of my struggle with thinking perhaps I was overstepping and taking over control instead of letting God control the outcomes of my pregnancies, I spent less time in prayer and felt further away from God. It was only through encouragement from my husband that I came to think of taking medications as God's way of allowing me to have more children. It changed from a battle in my mind between choosing medications or choosing God, to realizing that ultimately God is in control whether I use medication or not and to trust in Him to allow the medication to work in my body. During my journey I didn't really talk about my struggles because I felt that I couldn't relate to anyone. I am also a very private person and didn't want to broadcast my life. Some of my friends were pregnant during the same time as I was dealing with my miscarriages and it was difficult to see them carry their babies so effortlessly. My sister-in-law ended up having a child 2 weeks before my expected due date (with my 2nd miscarriage) and to this day I still look at him and think about the child I lost being at that same age.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

My lowest point actually ended up being one of my highest points. I was pregnant again after my 2 miscarriages and on progesterone supplements when I started having the same symptoms I had with my miscarriages. I was at work and I pretty much fell apart. A doctor friend of mine came to see me at work and ordered bloodwork for me and an ultrasound for the following day. I went home and lay in bed crying and praying and falling deeper into a pit of self-pity and self-loathing. I hated my body because it hated me. I blamed myself and although I had told myself and others that I would be completely happy with just my one child, I knew in my heart that wasn't true. I always wanted a large family and I felt those dreams were over. The next day I got the results of my beta HCG and it was through the roof! I had my ultrasound and it confirmed a viable pregnancy...in fact it showed 2 babies! I was over the moon and felt the Lord's grace again and also the reminder that God is always in control.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

The best advice I received was to take the medication necessary to sustain my pregnancies. I was told this by my family doctor (who is also a believer in God), from an old friend who experienced pregnancies with a luteal phase defect as well, and from my hubby who has always been my greatest encouragement.
I never really received any bad advice, just comments such as "be happy you atbleast have one baby" or "the Lord knows best how many babies you should have", etc.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

The biggest thing I would want other women with fertility struggles to know is that your health and any path you take is ultimately in your hands. Take responsibility for your own health care. Find a doctor you trust and ask questions. Be your own advocate in the medical field. As a nurse, I know many things medically that the general population might not. However, it's also probably easier for me to ask questions and seek answers until I have what I'm looking for because I'm comfortable with medical professionals and many of them are personal friends of mine. (the ones I've dealt with personally anyway). I do know from taking with family and friends that many people feel lost or not listened to. My advice is to keep talking until someone listens...even if you have to be a bit annoying! smile emoticon No one else cares as much about your struggle as you do and it's all on you to make sure you get the attention and care you want. Be proactive! Don't wait for someone to do it for you, because you'll be waiting a long time.

Infertility Interview #2 - Meet Liz

I want to thank Liz for be willing to share her story, right in the midst of her struggle, and for sharing her hope with us.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?
We have been trying to conceive since 2008. I was 28 when we started and by 29 I had a positive pregnancy test. Found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I was having horrible abdominal pain with every menstrual cycle and with intercourse even up to 2 hours after. After I had a laparoscopy in 2009 it was determined that I had endometriosis. They had a large amount with adhesions, which explain the amount of pain include areas on the bowel. I had laparoscopies repeated in 2011 and 2013 to increase the chances of fertility and pain relief. After waiting over 6 months with no pregnancy we decided to harvest my eggs and start IVF. My husband sperm was grade A so there were no issue there. After a month of fertility drugs and hormone injections we were able to retrieve 13 eggs, only 7 survive the incubation stage. After 2 IUI and 2 IVF cycle failures we decided to take a break.

Where are you at in your journey today?

At this point we have 3 embryos in storage. Due to my pain of developing fibromyalgia we decided on pain control before continuing. We have discussed trying another IVF cycle next year after trying a ‘clean eating diet’ and as organic and hormone free as financially possible.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

I think the biggest misconception is that we are not trying enough. My husband and I both worked shift work and we would time everything so that would not be a factor. Then people started to say ‘its because your trying too hard’. At that point I don’t think we were stressed at all.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

I think we cope very well together regarding this situation. There have been times where I have given him the option to continue on with someone else that could fulfill this ‘obligation’. He says he is in it for the long run and has accepted that this may never happen and he is okay with that. We have also discussed that option of a surrogate if all else fails. We talk openly about this issue so we are always on the same page.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

My husband and I both have large groups of friends and family. Everyone pretty much has a child if not 3 by now. We feel very weird when we attend functions because everyone is talking about everything baby related, mile stones and school events. Some people makes us feel that we are not busy stressed or broke because we do not have anyone we care for but a dog. We get a lot of ‘it must be nice’…not to wake up early….have to clean up after a baby….sleep all night…and so on.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

My frustration is not feeling like I can control my plan. Not sure if we should save more money for something that may never happen or take vacations and enjoy what we have. But also having to attend all the baby showers and birthday parties childless is pretty frustrating, especially when people ask why we don’t want to have kids or start giving advice when they don’t know what we’ve already been through.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

The biggest surprise about this journey was how understanding and supportive my husband and family have been.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

I think I have let myself cry as much as I can to let the stress flow through helps. I found just going for a walk or bike ride with my dog have been very therapeutic. As a nurse I have witnessed many sad moments in peoples lives that I feel like things can be so much worse and sometimes you just tell yourself ‘it is what it is’. We cant control everything and just be grateful for what I already have. I try not to dwell and take one thing at a time.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

I don’t think I have hit my lowest point as of yet. I have always had a gut instinct that the first fertility trails where not going to turn out. I think my low will come when I am on my last embryo. I would not what to go through the injections and egg retrieval again. But I think I would if it came down to it.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Best: ‘not to listen to anyone’s advice everyone’s body is different’

Worst: ‘it will happen when it happens’

Would you have done anything differently?

One thing I would have done differently was to try the IVF when I had found out in 2009 about the endometriosis issue. I had let my gyno talk me into waiting to see a fertility specialist thinking that the laparoscopies would have increased my chances of conceiving.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

I want every women struggling that they are not alone. It may take a few months or even years but don’t give up on your dream. Never let anyone talk you out of trying all your options that are available. Do what you have to do to make your dream come true.

Infertility Interview #1 - Meet Lori (Me!)

Here is the first interview in a series I hope to have posted here over the next few months to tell the stories of women who have faced fertility challenges, in the hopes that we can at least end the silent part of our our suffering. For my first interview I decided to tell my own story, feel free to share and I hope it resonates with somebody somewhere!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

We have been trying to conceive since January 2006, so for 9.5 years now. Having gone for complete testing, both my husband and I, there are no concrete results for us to name/blame for our infertility. I have had several very early miscarriages, too early to diagnose a reason, and my hormones have come back in the normal range but it would seem the most likely answer is my eggs have very poor viability.

Where are you at in your journey today?

After trying 2 different medications (one to decrease Estrogen and then one to increase it), and with no results and very bad side effects for my body, we are at the place we've decided we are no longer going to pursue any treatment until God tells us otherwise. Other than a few natural options (high quality vitamins and essential oils) that we take because they are good for us even outside of fertility, we are doing nothing. We have decided to let go and let God, so we are not enhancing our chances for conception in any way, not even tracking. We are still waiting on what we feel God has called us to, (super)natural conception of our own biological child.  

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

That every person who wants to have children will pursue any and every means, no matter what, until they finally have that child. Very early on my husband and I realized we felt strongly about not taking on debt in order to pursue parenthood, which a lot of people do not understand because it limits a lot of options. People have been very confused we don't want to pursue IVF or adoption. 

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

As an extravert, I need to talk about what I’m going through, verbally process it, but also get feedback and do research. My husband is an introvert, and he doesn’t talk about it at all except with me, he dives into other areas of his life, trying to find fulfillment, or sometimes distraction, there. We even approach hope differently, I have hope each and every month, my husband has over-arching hope, he believes it will happen when it’s supposed to.  

In 2010, this struggle was actually harming our marriage, we weren’t communicating with each other well enough at all, and every month I felt like trying to conceive was actually building a wall between us rather than connecting us.  That was not what I wanted at all, children were to be an expression of our unity, it was not supposed to create disunity, so I made the choice to stop, and focus on healing myself and our marriage. Through that experience we grew closer to God and closer to each other, and finally learned the art of good communication that has helped us through the many ups and downs that continued when we began to try to conceive again in 2012.  

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

Most every part of society is stuck in the rut of single>marriage>children. Meeting new people, once they know you are married the next question is do you have kids? Even in Church, the culture now is to find smaller groups/ministries to connect in, there isn’t one for middle age couples without children. And, like Valentine’s Day sucks for single people, Mother’s and Father’s Day really sucks for us, yet unlike Valentine’s Day where even media downplays it to spare the widening circle of singles, society still pushes M&F Day celebrations out every media outlet for weeks, despite the world being predominately non-traditional families these days.  It’s interesting how society claims tolerance and inclusiveness and progressively re-defining family & marriage, yet there is the pervasive emphasis on the abnormality of being married without children.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

The Ignorance in the medical field.  I know doctors can’t know everything, but if I can find something out, something that’s in widely-published books or has significant resources on the internet, than my doctors should know about it. It should be on their radar.  My infertility specialist was convinced I had to ovulate on day 14, there was no other option, no matter how long my cycle was. My GP had never heard of a tipped uterus, even though every exam he had to use special tools because of ‘the difficult angle’ of my cervix. Infertility takes more than a physical toll, it takes a mental and emotional toll, and there has never been an offer or suggestion that seeking counselling would be helpful. The one that ticked me off the most was, “We can’t really call it a miscarriage unless you had a positive pregnancy test.”

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

In addition to the above, I was surprised by the general ignorance of the female population about our own bodies. I was given the gift of a borrowed book, The Fertility Awareness Method, and boy were my eyes opened!  So much I had no idea about, that would have helped me all my life, not just relating to trying to conceive or pregnancy. And I’ve since given that book to other women because I have become keenly aware how little women are empowered to understand their own biology.  As my sister read it, and asked her best friend who is a nurse, ‘why didn’t you tell me this?’ the response she got was ‘I thought all women knew’, even though she had learned it in nursing school. I would highly recommend reading it!

 How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

As I mentioned, I cope by verbally processing, and finding other trustworthy women, who love God, whom I can talk to about the whole situation, is one of the biggest keys to keeping me emotionally and spiritually healthy.  Unfortunately, at first, I didn’t have great success at finding safe women who would listen without fixing, who would inspire me to turn to God rather than increase worries, but once I did I find the right women to share with, they have been indispensable in my healing.

Physically, I have always battled being overweight, then adding medication, miscarriages, depression/grief, exhaustion, stress, and my first doctor telling me my weight was to blame, I yo-yo’d between really great and really bad choices for my body.  I’ve only in the last 18 months come to love my body, regardless of its condition, and am working to allow that love, and God’s love for me, change my decisions about food and exercise from the inside out.

  

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

My lowest point was at that same time when I realized my marriage was being affected, in 2010. It had been 4 years of trying, a few miscarriages, no answers or help from Infertility clinic, I was 33 and my only dream in life was to be a mother and it all just seemed utterly hopeless. I am one of the most hopeful and optimistic people you’ll ever meet but my hope had completely run dry, my life felt empty, felt purposeless, felt alone.  And so, as I mentioned, I decided to quit! I was at first determined to fill the gaping hole in my life with a new purpose, so I jumped into volunteering at Church. What began on shaky motives, and could have turned out even worse, ended up being a huge blessing, as I was involved in a ministry devoted to help people find healing from their deepest hurt through Biblical principles, and strengthening their relationship with God. I was able to heal from a lot in that ministry, but God undoubtedly directed me to this place where I would finally begin to grow into spiritual maturity and intimacy with Him. Through the beginning of that journey I learned more about listening prayer, and in early 2012 God had me talk to my husband about starting to try again, and in that conversation my husband realized he had grown his own desire for children, no longer wanting it for the sake of giving me my heart’s desire! On our 9^th anniversary we agreed to begin our parenting journey again, in unity.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

The worst advice was probably the really inappropriate suggestion my husband should wear boxers, all sorts of ignorance and stepping over boundaries happening there! 

The best advice is a toss-up, between reading The Fertility Awareness Method and trying essential oils.  I have a really interesting balance of friends in the medical field and those who have a very holistic approach, which I love having access to both sides to create my own balanced version of what’s best for me.  Doing my own research after a discussion with a holistic-leaning friend, I decided to try Clary Sage, which balances out pituitary gland production of all hormones (female and male), and in 2 days I had results! In the 3 months I’ve been using it my cycle has gone from 32-36 days to 30 days, and my ovulation from day 16-18 to day 14-15. Even just the symptoms it has alleviated, balancing my ‘out of whack’ Estrogen from the last medication I was on, I was sold!

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

You are not alone, you are not the only one suffering through this. When we think we are the only ones going through something, we isolate, we get silent, minimize our valid emotions, and that only increases the suffering, but just because you may not know women talking about it doesn’t mean you don’t know women dealing with it. Not that we would wish this on our worst enemies, but it is comforting to know someone’s had almost the exact same thing happen to them as you, felt the same emotions you have. Search high and low for even one person who shares this journey, two are stronger than one.

Would you have done anything differently?

I would have talked about it more openly and honestly from the beginning, with my husband, with my family, my doctors, and tried to find a safe community of women to share with as well.  I can’t understate the tremendous impact good communication has made on improving the frustrations that come along with infertility.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?

Growing closer to God is the only reason I have continued this journey, because the closer I got to Him, the more I had clarity, peace and joy in my life, in my waiting, in my future.  He brought me and my husband closer than ever. He brought me amazing friendships I may never have met had I had children by now. He has given me more than I could ever want or ask since I’ve placed my hope in Him rather than in a baby. It is my prayer that everyone can receive the blessing of knowing how much our God loves us and wants the best for us.

Patient Safety

I have been an active patient for the last 10 years due to baby-making and infertility, have seen 3 different doctors, gone to 6 different facilities involved with testing, multiple nurses, technicians, pharmacists, etc., and while my physical health has not been harmed, I feel like I have sometimes been dealt with in a careless manner by my healthcare system. I was in a very vulnerable position, as are all patients dealing with a medical problem, and when extra care was needed I hardly got any at all, fixing my physical 'problem' was the main concern, emotional and mental care were hardly a consideration, and neither was the fact that I may want to participate, have questions, make decisions, yada yaya.

That is why I am really excited by the mission of my new employer, Manitoba Institute for Patient Safety! We are committed to helping improve patient safety within the system, AND also empower patients to be engaged in their own healthcare. We have a lot of resources that can help you with self-advocacy, providing information about; your rights, how to ask questions, how to be informed, how to take part in decision-making, and more.  All of which I could have really used when dealing with multiple doctors, facilities, etc.

If you, or someone you love, have felt frustrated as a patient, whether related to fertility or not, or you just want to proactively be informed, a great place to start is www.safetoask.ca!
‪#‎safetoask‬ ‪#‎patientsafety‬ ‪#‎healthCARE‬

Infertility Interviews

Over the next few months I am reaching out into the Fertility-Challenged community and conducting interviews in the hopes of bringing some 'me too' stories to women who may feel all alone in their journey through deferred motherhood, and all that comes with it; delays, doctors, diagnosis, depression, etc. Any story is welcome, just because it's not the typical story (there is no typical story) don't underestimate the value of your story, because somewhere, someone just may need to hear your exact struggle, because it is also theirs.

If you would be interested in joining my interview series, please leave a comment with a contact address and I will be in touch. I would love to hear from you!

Gratitude

I learned the lesson 30 months ago that gratitude is an extremely powerful thing. I can say with certainty it was the first step to the joyful place I am in life today, but I had a moment where I first had to make a choice.

As part of my ministry at Church, I led women through healing principles and in late 2012 one of those principles was gratitude. The lesson material was great, but it was all head knowledge. Not that I didn’t have moments of gratitude but it was an attitude not a way of life. I decided I wanted to increase my gratitude so I took on one of the materials suggestions, to start a daily gratitude journal. I figured I would start January 1^st and try it out for one year. After a few weeks I was really enjoying it and noticing I was even more positive than usual.

Then.

Day 23

I had a miscarriage.

My furthest along to date, even Sean had suspected , and even though I couldn’t bring myself to test yet, we were enjoying sharing new plans. And that evening we shared tears instead. As I got into bed that night I looked at my gratitude journal sitting there and contemplated. Do I write something today of all days?! And the thought that flooded my mind was how grateful I was that this time I finally had Sean to share the grief with, and that even at our lowest point we had managed to find laughter together. And so that’s what I wrote.

The next day we had our small group.  We had built a family with these people yet at first we weren’t sure we could share immediately, still so raw, but God had other plans, He had one of our friends sing a song that included the lyrics “When my world is shaking, heaven stands, When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands.” Considering the name of my personal blog is ‘Lori in HIS hands’, I knew that was our cue to open up. And we were of course overwhelmed by the love poured out over us.  And so that night I again looked at my gratitude journal and thought, how can I not be grateful for the love God showed us through our friends.

Then the next evening we served at our ministry, and again wondered if we should try to  hide our raw pain. Only a few minutes with our community of leaders, whom  we purported to have an honest and transparent relationship with, and we decided to open up about our grief. We hadn’t always had safe people in Church to share with, and we were about to test the waters with our deepest hurt. And we were not disappointed. Once again, we were overwhelmed by the care people took with our wounds, how they hugged when they had no words, and the words of ‘me too’ poured out from unexpected places. And then the band played ‘It Is Well’ that night, an unexpected shift from the usual songs they played. And so again that night I looked at my gratitude journal and realized the very ministry that encouraged my keeping it has now proved the value in it so profoundly and I wrote in it that night.

And after that I didn’t even have to question each night if I would write, I just continued to find reasons in the coming days, weeks and months, no matter how hard it got. And today, 30 months later, I am still writing in my gratitude journal.

And through my gratefulness, joy has found me.

Infertility Land

I have a dear friend, a spiritual daughter, who at age 17 was diagnosed with cancer. Today, at age 19, she is cancer free, thank God, but the pain and trauma have left her scarred in more ways than one. Yet, it has been a time of beautiful creation too, she has blossomed into a fierce young woman (and I use fierce with all the best connotations possible) who has written some poignant and inspiring words out of this experience. Her blog posts and songs aren't afraid to voice the pain and uncertainties, but the underlying theme is always hope. Unquenchable hope. One blog post in particular resonated with me deeply. She talked about cancer as though it was a land she was forced to travel through, and her analogies struck a chord with my own journey, through Infertility Land.  Here's a few 'snapshots' of my travels through Infertility Land.

Despite the fact my parents spent 5 years in Infertility Land before I was born, and that I have Aunts & Uncles who have resided there, I had no clue I was living so close to it's borders.  In fact, I still have no idea when I really crossed into it's territory, there were no signs telling me 'Infertility Land 100 km ahead', there were no border crossing stations, there was no welcome sign to 'Infertility Land, Population 2 million'.  Even the people there seemed the same, at first.

But as time went on we noticed subtle changes.  I began to notice cultural differences, like men were seen and not heard, and even then, barely seen, at first I wondered if there were any here at all. Then I noticed a slight difference in language, a predominant usage of some words in particular but more so a tendency towards acronyms, like a secret language that you would only understand if you belonged.  Although there were some regional dialects within Infertility Land that I never picked up, I picked up the native tongue of Infertility Land pretty quickly.  Yet I still hadn't quite figured out our whereabouts yet.

So, what do you do when you are lost? You look for directions.  We were directed to the resident expert, one of two, and he seemed to know less than we did.  He tried to show us where we were, in vague and simplistic terms, like we had just taken a wrong turn and ended up there. Then he gave us what you might call a map, with wrong directions that even we in our limited knowledge knew was incorrect.  Just in case we weren't here by accident, he examined our modes of transportation and found nothing wrong, yet he gave us a special gadget anyway, one that should trick our GPS into heading towards Fertility Land.  That seemed like a good idea, for a few days, but then we realized how could we trust it was truly taking us in the right direction. But at least we had a vague map, and the 'You Are Here' circle was indeed inside Infertility Land borders.

We of course were certain we were just visiting.  Several times we saw signs 'Fertility Land this way', but every time we drew nearer to it's borders, or just managed to make it over the border, our vehicle would crash. Sometimes it was just a small fender bender, sometimes it was bloody mess. Every time we ended back up in Infertility Land.

Four years of getting nowhere, of feeling lost, feeling like foreigners, feeling like we don't belong. We were determined not to get comfortable and settle there, yet tired of getting our hopes up just to end up in another crash and still stuck here.  We finally resigned ourselves to finding a home, a permanent address in Infertility Land. At first, it was a gut reaction to another crash, I was bitter, frustrated, hopeless, and so I threw my hands in the air and said, 'Fine! You want me here, I'll stay here. Forever!' I was done with futile efforts of trying to escape.  I tried to get friendly with the natives. I tried to create a new community. My husband, always a homebody, seemed comfortable in the passive role most husbands had here, shut-ins - like ostrich's hiding their heads in the sand, pretending they didn't live at an address that broadcast their failure. I assumed our choice to settle would eventually lead to getting comfortable, but it didn't.  Of the natives I got to know, a lot were hostile, they spewed hatred for those living outside our borders, and those that weren't were either recluses or jumping aboard adoption trains out of the the country as fast as possible.  None of those were options we were comfortable with.

So after two years of unsuccessful attempts to become permanent residents, we decided to consult a different expert. One we should have consulted from the very beginning. An expert in all lands, not just Infertility Land or Fertility Land.  He gave us back our immigration paperwork, for now our Visa's were denied, we were deemed temporary visitors. The expiry date of our visitor status was blurred out and He wasn't telling us when we would finally be able to leave, we would be aliens in a foreign land for the foreseeable future. There was nothing we could do, provide, or control, to expedite our journey out of Infertility Land.  And so we once again began to explore the country-side, looking for the one road that would finally lead us away from here forever. The latest leg of our journey hasn't been without it's crashes, but one thing it hasn't been without is hope.

Because, now we have a different kind of hope.

An unquenchable hope.

My friend and I have mutually been inspirations of hope in our respective journeys, and another way she has inspired my hope is through her music, her first album was released yesterday and of course it is titled Unquenchable Hope. All of the songs are inspiring, but the one that touches my particular journey in Infertility Land is called For the Moment. I encourage you to find some hope through her musical journey, you can find the album here:

http://estherkoepnick.bandcamp.com/album/unquenchable-hope

Better Body Balance

It has been just over one year since I have ended the Clomid, and I know with certainty it was the right decision to end the treatment. While it technically worked, my eggs were more viable, and we learned more about what was going on in my body through it, God showed us after the 8 months it was just not the end of our path, it was only part of it.

I hadn't really shared much here about the Clomid part of my journey other than the initial treatment explanation, then the first month and last month. For those of you who don't know, Chlomid/Clomifene stimulates the release of a stronger egg, a more viable egg, so that if it was fertilized it had a better chance of surviving. This stronger egg that was stimulated would also be a second egg, you are ovulating 2 eggs per month, doubling chances of getting pregnant each month.

And also doubling all cycle symptoms.

And that was on the lowest dose, not only did I go up in dosage 2 times over 5 months, staying on the highest for 3 months, but the specific variation of this medication I was on builds up in the system so symptoms get stronger and stronger the longer you are on it. Not to mention, the last 2 months of treatment I also started taking a really high quality set of vitamins and they had a tremendous effect on my egg vitality (as demonstrated by the sustained viability I mentioned here), but also compounded the strength of every monthly cycle symptom.

So there I was, From February to April, feeling like I had rocks for ovaries for at least a week before ovulation and during ovulation. Then I had a sore abdomen (like I had done 100 crunches every day for the last week) up until PMS started. And PMS went from about 4 days to 7-8, and where I previously only had 1 or 2 symptoms that didn't bother me all that much most months, now I had 3-4 symptoms way more intense than before. And then, TMI, but my period went from a very light flow, with very minor cramping, for 3-4 days to a very heavy flow with 2 days of really uncomfortable cramping for 5-6 days.  All in all, I had maybe a total of 7 days each month that I wasn't in some sort of discomfort.

And of course, there was the estrogen fueled emotions. Granted I am a very emotional person every day of the month, but my PMS emotional sensitivity and quickness to cry is actually pretty tame compared to some women (no judgement, each person's hormones and emotions is there own, just clarifying my PMS emotions are not what some might think of when they think of stereotypical PMS). So, when I began to be much more easily frustrated, offended, sentimental and generally crying for no real reason, I knew the extra estrogen was messing with me. Unless you call Ellen giving a family a free new van a valid reason to weep uncontrollably. I don't, normally.

But that became my new normal. For the last year, this is the one symptom that refused to let go when the rest of the effects of Clomid did. It's not a lot of fun trying to stay composed when you are really fine but your hormones decide they want to have a complete melt down. And it's not just sniffles or dabbing your eye crying, it's often full on ugly cry and when I cry like that I get red and splotchy. I'm not into hiding my emotions but it's hard to convince others of that when you look like a wreck and are saying you are all good!

Interestingly enough I didn't even really realize this until the last few months. I've had a really hard year, some deep depression moments, some seriously frustrated and angry moments, some really sad moments of loss.  But when a pregnant friend kept apologizing for her heightened sensitivity and constant tears, blaming it on pregnancy hormones, it hit me! That's they key! My hormones are still out of wack from the Clomid! Yet, I didn't know what to do about it but wait it out.

Then, a friend who is very into natural treatments for everything thought to mention something to me about the medicinal benefits of essential oils, and through conversations and research I realized I might have an answer to my hormonal imbalance in something as simple as an essential oil. I started applying the oil 2 days before ovulation and already noticed a reduction in those symptoms and now I'm about to see how it fairs up against my PMS, but the biggest change is that my hyper-sensitive crying has reduced drastically! In the first few days I already noticed a huge difference! I can't wait to see what a body in better balance feels like!

To Mothers, From an Un-Mother

I was forwarded a blog post from a great friend who happens to be a mother.

It is from the perspective of a mother, who never had the struggle of trying for children, all 3 came easily to her. She writes about an important lesson she learned the first pregnancy, when she was full of joy and broadcasting it to the world. Some people just can't share in that joy, no matter how much they would like to.

She made several really great points. One being, infertility is often suffered in silence, so very often those around them are unaware of the pain they face, over and over again, each month. It is mostly a hidden grief so many people are oblivious to the impact of their declarations of parent-appropriate emotions. Second she acknowledged her own struggle with empathy even once she did know, and admitted her desire to have her feelings trump those of the infertile friend. This was her own personal experience but one I know that isn't an isolated situation.

The summary of the blog was to encourage mothers in particular to be sensitive, understand the continual pain, and to try not to do anything that just adds to the grief. I appreciate that sentiment, thank you. But I really hoped my friend who had sent the post hasn't been burdened with guilt for her sharing pregnancy joy and toddler trials. So now I wanted to offer my own words to mothers from the other side, and hope other people battling infertility will consider these words as well.

Over the nine years of trying without success to be a mother, I have encountered many different responses from women who are mothers but I have also encountered quite a few infertile women as well, and I have learned that mothers are not the only ones at fault for the hurt feelings that happen around infertility.

~We who fall under the label infertile, even for a season, sometimes choose our feelings over friendship, and we act like we have cornered the market on pain and strife.

~We who can't be labelled mommy can let jealousy, envy and resentment cloud our ability to see mothers as just woman who have different struggles than us, but struggles just the same.

~We who have empty wombs and arms can be so harshly judgemental for no other reason than our target was able to get pregnant and give birth, something they have no more control over than we have control over our inability.

The blog author mentioned she wanted her joy to trump the sorrow of the one who couldn't be a mother, but at times I have wanted my struggle to trump the struggle every mother goes through.

It took awhile for me to realize how unfair that was but it finally dawned on me, I don't compare any other pain, I don't begrudge someone dealing with anorexia because I have a problem with over eating. Hardships of motherhood are just as difficult as the hardships of infertility. I'm sorry to say my final lesson that hammered that home was learned at the expense of my sister, who had her own journey through infertility for 5 years, but when she had her first son and it wasn't an easy birth or newborn phase, and she didn't even complain, but as she shared her difficulties, my immediate reaction was to resent that her gratitude didn't automatically overcome her distress. It was then my eyes opened to just how insensitive I could be to moms, how insensitive a lot of infertile women could be to mothers.

I realize it's part of the society we live in, people tend to fall into ignorance to the impact of what they say or elevate the importance of our own feelings, but that doesn't excuse it, or help maintain healthy relationships. And there seems to be an increasing hyper sensitivity, rather than just compassionate sensitivity, around this area in particular.

Granted, it would be nice to have parents consider my feelings before they say something like 'if you want kids so bad you can have my brats', or 'have you tried _________, I hear that works', or 'why don't you just adopt', but I never want a friend to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me or feel like they can't share the reality of their life with me, because then I am not being a good friend, or a friend at all really. My feelings are not more important and do not negate the feelings of my friends. It hasn't been as hard to change how I choose to react and feel about it now that I am aware.

And maybe I'm also really lucky that I have pretty amazing friends who really do respect and honor my feelings, and feel them with me, and so it makes it easy to value them over holding tightly to my pain. I am a lucky girl.

Results of Testing

I just came across a blog today that echoed where we are at on this fertility journey and it feels great not to be alone, because it is very rare you find yourself in the exact same place as someone else on this road.

Gone through rigorous fertility testing - check

Track with Fertility Awareness Method - check

Take Chlomid - check

Improve overall health with vitamins, etc. - check

Not pursuing any other forms of becoming a parent - check

After pursuing for so long, no longer pursuing any intentional conception techniques - check

And the reason for stopping is the same too. God said so.

She sounds a lot like me. Dealing with the need to participate in the process to make the waiting easier. Tired of waiting. Tired of it not being our turn. Trying to trust and obey God.

We've both come to the place of understanding that all our trying doesn't guarantee anything. In all these years it has done nothing to increase our chances, despite that statistically speaking they should have increased our odds. We've both learned that God is a much more worthy place to put our trust.

Neither of our desires for children have decreased, not in the least. Both of us still experience the pain of the prolonged period of patience. But we embrace His purpose for us, along with it His peace. It's not easy, and a lot of people don't understand, but my relationship with God has grown tremendously through this journey, which ultimately is the best result of this testing I could have ever hoped for.