Infertility Interview #1 - Meet Lori (Me!)

Here is the first interview in a series I hope to have posted here over the next few months to tell the stories of women who have faced fertility challenges, in the hopes that we can at least end the silent part of our our suffering. For my first interview I decided to tell my own story, feel free to share and I hope it resonates with somebody somewhere!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

We have been trying to conceive since January 2006, so for 9.5 years now. Having gone for complete testing, both my husband and I, there are no concrete results for us to name/blame for our infertility. I have had several very early miscarriages, too early to diagnose a reason, and my hormones have come back in the normal range but it would seem the most likely answer is my eggs have very poor viability.

Where are you at in your journey today?

After trying 2 different medications (one to decrease Estrogen and then one to increase it), and with no results and very bad side effects for my body, we are at the place we've decided we are no longer going to pursue any treatment until God tells us otherwise. Other than a few natural options (high quality vitamins and essential oils) that we take because they are good for us even outside of fertility, we are doing nothing. We have decided to let go and let God, so we are not enhancing our chances for conception in any way, not even tracking. We are still waiting on what we feel God has called us to, (super)natural conception of our own biological child.  

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

That every person who wants to have children will pursue any and every means, no matter what, until they finally have that child. Very early on my husband and I realized we felt strongly about not taking on debt in order to pursue parenthood, which a lot of people do not understand because it limits a lot of options. People have been very confused we don't want to pursue IVF or adoption. 

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

As an extravert, I need to talk about what I’m going through, verbally process it, but also get feedback and do research. My husband is an introvert, and he doesn’t talk about it at all except with me, he dives into other areas of his life, trying to find fulfillment, or sometimes distraction, there. We even approach hope differently, I have hope each and every month, my husband has over-arching hope, he believes it will happen when it’s supposed to.  

In 2010, this struggle was actually harming our marriage, we weren’t communicating with each other well enough at all, and every month I felt like trying to conceive was actually building a wall between us rather than connecting us.  That was not what I wanted at all, children were to be an expression of our unity, it was not supposed to create disunity, so I made the choice to stop, and focus on healing myself and our marriage. Through that experience we grew closer to God and closer to each other, and finally learned the art of good communication that has helped us through the many ups and downs that continued when we began to try to conceive again in 2012.  

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

Most every part of society is stuck in the rut of single>marriage>children. Meeting new people, once they know you are married the next question is do you have kids? Even in Church, the culture now is to find smaller groups/ministries to connect in, there isn’t one for middle age couples without children. And, like Valentine’s Day sucks for single people, Mother’s and Father’s Day really sucks for us, yet unlike Valentine’s Day where even media downplays it to spare the widening circle of singles, society still pushes M&F Day celebrations out every media outlet for weeks, despite the world being predominately non-traditional families these days.  It’s interesting how society claims tolerance and inclusiveness and progressively re-defining family & marriage, yet there is the pervasive emphasis on the abnormality of being married without children.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

The Ignorance in the medical field.  I know doctors can’t know everything, but if I can find something out, something that’s in widely-published books or has significant resources on the internet, than my doctors should know about it. It should be on their radar.  My infertility specialist was convinced I had to ovulate on day 14, there was no other option, no matter how long my cycle was. My GP had never heard of a tipped uterus, even though every exam he had to use special tools because of ‘the difficult angle’ of my cervix. Infertility takes more than a physical toll, it takes a mental and emotional toll, and there has never been an offer or suggestion that seeking counselling would be helpful. The one that ticked me off the most was, “We can’t really call it a miscarriage unless you had a positive pregnancy test.”

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

In addition to the above, I was surprised by the general ignorance of the female population about our own bodies. I was given the gift of a borrowed book, The Fertility Awareness Method, and boy were my eyes opened!  So much I had no idea about, that would have helped me all my life, not just relating to trying to conceive or pregnancy. And I’ve since given that book to other women because I have become keenly aware how little women are empowered to understand their own biology.  As my sister read it, and asked her best friend who is a nurse, ‘why didn’t you tell me this?’ the response she got was ‘I thought all women knew’, even though she had learned it in nursing school. I would highly recommend reading it!

 How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

As I mentioned, I cope by verbally processing, and finding other trustworthy women, who love God, whom I can talk to about the whole situation, is one of the biggest keys to keeping me emotionally and spiritually healthy.  Unfortunately, at first, I didn’t have great success at finding safe women who would listen without fixing, who would inspire me to turn to God rather than increase worries, but once I did I find the right women to share with, they have been indispensable in my healing.

Physically, I have always battled being overweight, then adding medication, miscarriages, depression/grief, exhaustion, stress, and my first doctor telling me my weight was to blame, I yo-yo’d between really great and really bad choices for my body.  I’ve only in the last 18 months come to love my body, regardless of its condition, and am working to allow that love, and God’s love for me, change my decisions about food and exercise from the inside out.

  

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

My lowest point was at that same time when I realized my marriage was being affected, in 2010. It had been 4 years of trying, a few miscarriages, no answers or help from Infertility clinic, I was 33 and my only dream in life was to be a mother and it all just seemed utterly hopeless. I am one of the most hopeful and optimistic people you’ll ever meet but my hope had completely run dry, my life felt empty, felt purposeless, felt alone.  And so, as I mentioned, I decided to quit! I was at first determined to fill the gaping hole in my life with a new purpose, so I jumped into volunteering at Church. What began on shaky motives, and could have turned out even worse, ended up being a huge blessing, as I was involved in a ministry devoted to help people find healing from their deepest hurt through Biblical principles, and strengthening their relationship with God. I was able to heal from a lot in that ministry, but God undoubtedly directed me to this place where I would finally begin to grow into spiritual maturity and intimacy with Him. Through the beginning of that journey I learned more about listening prayer, and in early 2012 God had me talk to my husband about starting to try again, and in that conversation my husband realized he had grown his own desire for children, no longer wanting it for the sake of giving me my heart’s desire! On our 9^th anniversary we agreed to begin our parenting journey again, in unity.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

The worst advice was probably the really inappropriate suggestion my husband should wear boxers, all sorts of ignorance and stepping over boundaries happening there! 

The best advice is a toss-up, between reading The Fertility Awareness Method and trying essential oils.  I have a really interesting balance of friends in the medical field and those who have a very holistic approach, which I love having access to both sides to create my own balanced version of what’s best for me.  Doing my own research after a discussion with a holistic-leaning friend, I decided to try Clary Sage, which balances out pituitary gland production of all hormones (female and male), and in 2 days I had results! In the 3 months I’ve been using it my cycle has gone from 32-36 days to 30 days, and my ovulation from day 16-18 to day 14-15. Even just the symptoms it has alleviated, balancing my ‘out of whack’ Estrogen from the last medication I was on, I was sold!

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

You are not alone, you are not the only one suffering through this. When we think we are the only ones going through something, we isolate, we get silent, minimize our valid emotions, and that only increases the suffering, but just because you may not know women talking about it doesn’t mean you don’t know women dealing with it. Not that we would wish this on our worst enemies, but it is comforting to know someone’s had almost the exact same thing happen to them as you, felt the same emotions you have. Search high and low for even one person who shares this journey, two are stronger than one.

Would you have done anything differently?

I would have talked about it more openly and honestly from the beginning, with my husband, with my family, my doctors, and tried to find a safe community of women to share with as well.  I can’t understate the tremendous impact good communication has made on improving the frustrations that come along with infertility.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?

Growing closer to God is the only reason I have continued this journey, because the closer I got to Him, the more I had clarity, peace and joy in my life, in my waiting, in my future.  He brought me and my husband closer than ever. He brought me amazing friendships I may never have met had I had children by now. He has given me more than I could ever want or ask since I’ve placed my hope in Him rather than in a baby. It is my prayer that everyone can receive the blessing of knowing how much our God loves us and wants the best for us.