To be concerned or not to be concerned

It's been a year, just barely over a year since we've officially been trying to get pregnant. We've hit the year mark. The mark where we can now become officially concerned that we're not pregnant. Surprisingly, I am not as concerned as I thought I would be a year ago. That might have something to do with the fact I'm a day late. Believe me, I have learned not to even get excited for at least 7 more days, but I can't help but hope. Hope is something I just can't shake, even when it hurts and I want to be rid of it. Hope is just too much a part of me.
The other reason I'm may not be that concerned is because of my life right now. I'm very busy with my new job in payroll. It's good so far but I feel like I'm just not the same type of worker as my fellow employees, they seem to think working unnecessary overtime is a sign of a good employee. I'm not willing to do that, even if children are never part of my future, I don't want to live to work, I want to work to live. Well, in this kind of job maybe, if I was self-employed it might be different.
The other thing I'm trying to concentrate on is losing weight again. Through the stresses of the last year I have gained the 15 lbs I lost back. It's a stop/start enterprise, because everytime I think I might be pregnant I halt dieting, not wanting to harm a baby with a lack of nutrients. I know I can't keep doing this because I really do need to lose the weight, I just need to buckle down and stop allowing myself to sabatoge myself when I know I don't have a real basis for quitting.

Touched by an Angel

We just got back from a weekend retreat through my former Church (and still my parent's Church) and we've both reached a turning point in our lives, finding a lot of emotional and spiritual healing. I won't go into that great detail (I have other blogs that do that), but there was a lot of baggage we had inflicted on us by other people that we were able to deal with, both of which could be spiritual strongholds keeping us from physical wholeness. I have no doubt we were touched by a heavenly presence, and that we heard God's voice.
Our former pastor said he's seen many cases where overcoming some of the things we did has led to pregnancy. I'm learning not to hang my hopes on anything, but it is encouraging. And even if pregnancy isn't a direct result, I know we will be better parents for having been healed in this way.
And more wonderful news from this weekend, my sister had her second baby girl on Friday the 24th. Another little angel I've fallen in love with. I wish the timing had been better because we only got to see her for less than an hour before we had to drive a few hours away to get to the retreat on time, and then she had already been released from the hospital by the time we got home this afternoon. I will not be able to resist driving the 1.5 hrs there and back to visit her during the week, I just can't wait until next weekend to see her again.

The only thing constant is change

Well, I was fired today. Technically 'laid off' due to performance, which if I wanted to prove as bull I could, but the admission of guilt on their part in the form of a very nice severance package is keeping me at bay. It's so nice in fact that I probably couldn't get any more if I sued for wrongful dismissal anyway.
And it's a relief to be out of that stressful job. It has been way too much of a stress for just over a year now, I am the fourth out of our great group of five to leave under bad circumstances, and as much as I wanted to leave that place through the benefit of maternity leave, it is just not worth it. Although, I feel like I've wasted the last year of my life, keeping this stinking but well paying job, holding out so that I could get great pregnancy benefits and now I don't even get that. At least I got that extra time with my great co-workers (not great bosses, let me clarify).
And now the wonderful 'life evaluating' period, trying to figure out a new job while balancing paying the bills, potentially close pregnancy, or potentially never going to get pregnant. Fun.

Sharing

I've realized that although I am not alone in this, because hubby is here for me, it's just not the same not having a woman to share things with, to bounce thoughts and worries off of that probably only us women fret about.
I spilled the beans. First to a close co-worker who I knew would be discreet, and understanding since she had two grown children of her own. I had to tell! Work got even more stressful on Tuesday and escalated through the week, I was bursting with emotions and I needed an outlet. What a release, and it eased my mind a lot. I was finally able to let go of the desire to rehash the possibilities and move forward.
I also had lunch with my sister, a surprise visit from her between classes, and I found out that she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant since the July prior to us starting to try, and they had also been keeping it a secret! It was wonderful to find someone, especially my own sister, who was in the same boat as us! Everything I mentioned she had also felt and feared and fretted over. She had an even more unstable cycle than me, waiting months between instead of mere days. It was a reminder that I wasn't in the worst position possible, but also it was a great encouragement that I now had someone to go through this unique journey with.
Up until that moment I had only known 2 female friends who hadn't been able to get pregnant, neither of which I had a close relationship with anymore. I had been beginning to feel like there is a very real possibility this could get even more difficult, that I may not get the 'normal' experience most women I know did, that I would have a very isolated experience. It became of great comfort to share it with my sister.

Not sure what to think

September 5th - end of second day late, but this time I'll be patient, I'm going to wait one more day :)
September 6th - negative test
September 7th - another negative test (why do I torture myself?)
September 10th - I am 7 days late, a WHOLE week late.
Until at the end of the day I start bleeding heavily. Way more than I have since I was a teen. I know the tests said negative but could I have been pregnant and now am having a miscarriage?!? I hadn't even considered the possibility before now. I knew I could be in for a long wait like my mom, or not at all like my aunt, but losing a baby? I wasn't sure I could handle that. I call in sick to work. Work has been stressful enough lately, I didn't need this additional worry added to my plate, so I concentrated on the stress at hand and stayed home.
All the signs (those darn signs again!) seem to point strongly to the conclusion I've had a miscarriage. I am profoundly sad, and possibly bordering on depression, sinking into a quietness where my thoughts of pain, loss, confusion, uncertainty, rattle around my brain. And I can't even talk to anyone because the whole 'trying thing' is a secret. I have of course told hubby my worst fear, and he is understanding, but he's at a loss for words and isn't sure how to console me. Plus, if I'm not even sure, how can he have feelings one way or the other about it, other than being disappointed it's another month of not being pregnant. He tries to console me with a Dairy Queen blizzard, but that's good for only a few minutes of comfort and distraction. I didn't have anything concrete to grieve but grieving I was.

First real heartache

So, I wasn't pregnant, my period showed up the next day and broke my heart. There had been a time or two in the last 4 months I had a little hope, but this time I thought my hope was actually valid. I'm so bad with being patient, I think I just want it too much and maybe see too much in these 'signs' of mine.
Oh, and I've decided to stop taking my temperature, it doesn't seem to be giving me any consistent information that can be used. My ovulation date is pretty much a guessing game. I've used online tools, the doctor's advice, and who knows if we're any where near hitting the mark. It doesn't help that one month I'm 29 days, then 30, then back again. Maybe if I'd just ignored all the tools out there to help people get pregnant I wouldn't have all these measures to get disappointed by. I could live out this first year of trying in ignorant bliss. But that's just not me. I hate being ignorant, even when it's probably better for me in this case.

First real hope

Well, depending on how long my cycle is, I am anywhere from 3-5 days late today. I've been at 30 days for the last 3 months again, so we'll say 3 days late. I've been getting a weird nauceousness eating ribs and Kellog's vanilla almond cereal, and I don't know if I've ever experienced nauceousness from food before. Then today I felt some almost cramp like twinges and had some spotting. I thought, this is IT! So many new signs, signs that were some what usual signs of pregnancy.
I went out and bought a pregnancy test but it was negative. Really?!? Maybe it was too early to tell. I hope it's too early to tell.