Hope is my Strength

Well we are just on the last effects of the last of the Chlomid today.
After 8 months of riding that rollercoaster we (well, I) will be taking a break from the drug.
For at least one month.

Maybe longer.

Maybe forever.
And I'm ok with it either way.

I'm at this place again.

Where I wonder if our own attempts are just prolonging God's intervention.
He's told me our baby will bring him so much glory.
I think he doesn't want to share it :)
I'm ok with that.
When my impatience doesn't interfere.

And so I'm at peace not going back on the drugs after the break.
Because I'm confident in the 'Yes' he's promised me.
The promises have only increased in the last few months. Greatly.
I have no reason to doubt.
Not even 8+ years of reasons will make me doubt.
I have hope.

Hope is my middle name.
Not really ;) but I've adopted it as an identifier of myself.
I will be marked by hope.
"those who hope in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

The Count

I have been watching numbers all month.

I start at one.

I don't like waiting for this  day one.

Except when I'm really waiting for day five.

Can't have day five without day one.

Day five I started my five day treatment.

Treatment to pump up the Estrogen, and pump out a souped up egg.

Then I count symptoms.

With those accounted for we fit in as many times we can do our part.

Our cue to stop is my temperature jumping 0.2 degrees F above any other temps I've had all month.

That's when I start at one again.

Time to count to ten.

Ten days of this risen temperature means my progesterone is high enough to maintain a fertilized egg until implantation.

Check.

Time to count to eighteen.

By sixteen days the egg should have implanted if fertilized and the temp stays high, if not fertilized the progesterone lowers and temp drops.

Day seventeen.

This is the longest I've had high temps since tracking eight months ago.

Eighteen is supposed to be as good as a positive pregnancy test.

Day eighteen.

I count my thermometer lose a few degrees, but still it meets the criteria of reaching day eighteen.

Yet.

I know if I take a test, it won't be positive.

Day nineteen.

Sure enough, temp has dropped again.

I made peace.

Figured there were no guarantees.

It just wasn't going to be this month.

Then the cramping became almost unbearable.

I counted off several advil to survive the day.

And I wondered, but didn't want to speak it.

I thought allowing grief would mean I didn't trust God, after I promised him on day eighteen that I did.

New day one.

I had no choice but to acknowledge miscarriage number six.

None have ever been as physically painful as this one.

And that made it hard NOT to grieve.

And I had to express it.

And I realized that my voice didn't make the trust disappear.

And I started counting my blessings.

I think this means the drug was working, just too low of a dose to increase viability enough.

And so start all over again.

Waiting for day five.

Full Cycle

Life has a funny way of coming full circle, in many different ways. Mine has come full circle in my fertility.

It's almost exactly five years ago that all our tests were completed at the Heartland Fertility Clinic (well, all their tests, which isn't exhaustive as I've since found out) and came up with no negative results. While my hormone tests all came back within normal ranges, the doctor speculated because I was overweight that my insulin could be driving my Estrogen too high and my body was thinking I was already pregnant, and that while being overweight was my only symptom of PCOS, he thought taking the typical treatment drug for it, Metformin, was my first best option to 'fix' the problem. If my insulin levels were too high the drug would lower my insulin levels to trick my Estrogen levels into lowering to a normal level as well. He said if that didn't work I could come back and talk to him about another drug, Clomid, with the disclaimer it brought the chance of multiple births.

The problem was, he hadn't diagnosed a problem. I didn't see any test results, but initially he had said all my hormone levels were normal. But in the face of no other answers I took it. After a few weeks Sean and I sat down to talk about it and realized a few things. First, I was already trying to lose weight (and succeeding) in case weight was the issue, and so on the drug we wouldn't know when my body normalized it's cycle on it's own. Second, we felt like we were given a generic band-aid solution (it was prescribed to other people I know who have very different fertility problems, and it wasn't a viable solution for them either) and didn't feel comfortable taking a drug when we didn't even know if it was actually a solution for us. I was feeling ill taking it, which I would have gladly suffered through if I knew this medication was what I needed. But I didn't. So I stopped taking it.

I felt so uncared for by the fertility clinic that I didn't even bother to go back to talk about it. The other drug wasn't explained as to how it might be better suited to my issues, what it would do to help my cycle, and with the huge red flag warning, we were not any more eager to try that option. We had only been trying for 2.5 years, maybe we just needed more time, not multiple births.

So, fast forward five years. And all the new information those five years brought. And a new doctor to take new tests, some not done before. And still all the test came back with no negative results. One key piece of new information though was that I had 'likely' miscarried. Doctors won't use that word unless there was a pregnancy test first, but I know what my body went through. But she still took that under consideration, and after considering all aspects came up with a treatment that actually made sense for my body, she talked to me about a drug that could help me in two ways. She called it Clomifene and said it would stimulate the release of a stronger egg, a more viable egg, so that if it was fertilized it had a better chance of surviving. This stronger egg that was stimulated would also be a second egg, I would likely be ovulating 2 eggs per month, doubling my chances of getting pregnant each month. Yes, that meant there was a 10% chance of twins she said. I said, sign me up! I've always wanted twins!

I found out through a family member a few more things about the drug and even with the side effects, I feel like this is the treatment for me. While I still don't have a diagnosis, this medication makes sense with what we understand about my cycle, and it's not based on what feels like guesses and one-size-fits-all treatment. This is the treatment I have been waiting for. That's another thing I found out from this person, this drug is also known as Clomid. I literally have been waiting for THIS treatment for 5 years!

And yet, it doesn't bother me. I know God had this timing for a reason. There are any number of ways He could have directed me back to Heartland to seek further treatment. He could have added some compassion to the very clinical Dr. in the first place, and given me a more personal explanation of the drug. Even I can see reasons God didn't let it happen then. Even with all the challenges five years has or could add to having children, I know God's timing is perfect. Even down to the month I can start taking this drug, His timing is perfect.

As some of you have read here previously, another perfectly timed component of this story has been my tattoo. I'm not sure why this tattoo keeps weaving into my fertility but once again it has. My tattoo was scheduled for August 4th, finally, and when I showed up my artist was in bad shape. The receptionist said she was sick but she came out to talk to me personally and I could tell she was dealing with something more than physical sickness, there was a level of emotion and stress that were overwhelming her, and I understood that it would not be good for either of us to do this that day. But she knows how very long I've waited for this tattoo and so she rebooked me on a day off she had booked so I wouldn't have to wait very long, only until September 7th. As it should happen, the timing of my new medication will not work in August, with my appointment missing the start date by only one day, and my trip to California very perfectly timed to interrupt conception as well, so my next window to start the treatment is likely September 6th or 7th.

Go figure. I'm really not surprised anymore. God evidently likes bringing things full cycle in my life.

Be Still My Heart

Already a perfect evening.

And then, I hear a shout.

"Lori! It's your rainbow!!"

My eyes fly to the skies.

And.there.it.is.

In all it's glory.

The widest rainbow I've ever seen, I could see where both ends touched the ground.

The brightest rainbow I've ever seen, every colour visible and brilliant.

And then.

Another proclamation.

"There are two! It's a double rainbow!"

Really? Could it be?

The first rainbow I've seen since I asked God for one.
And it echoed the promise He gave my friend....a double blessing.

Be still my heart.

The hope is taking flight again.

Test Results

So I had tests run in February to see if a reason for miscarriages could be determined and I finally had my appointment with the referred OBGYN today.

Everything is fine.

Well, from those tests, that's what she's able to determine. There is only one test left that can say otherwise. So, next month we schedule that test for blockages, and if necessary, get rid of blockages. If no blockages there is one last option within the realm of what Sean and I are willing to do in regards to treatment. It's a drug that you take in pill form that increases ovulation every month so that you release 2 eggs...hopefully doubling your chances. She says the most you can have is twins, or very unlikely, triplets.

Hmmmm.

Twins.

I always wanted twins.

Double blessing?

Happy Mother's Day

I haven't been shy in the last few month of sharing some prophetic words given to me about children. I was before January, but I learned just because I may not have understood the revelation 100% didn't make it any less real or true, and I am no longer concerned with what other people think if it doesn't happen like 'it was supposed to'.

Prophetic words/visions are quite a new experience for me. Before I met my husband, I didn't think that happened since Revelation. He was the only one I had ever met who 'knew' things before they happened. Then I heard a little more about it in our Church circles, but I thought they were a spiritual gift that only certain people could get, only Prophets could get. Ever since I've learned about listening prayer though, God has been proving that is not the case over and over again for me in the last 2 years. It's still pretty unfamiliar territory though in my family.


So, anyway, on Friday my mom took me out for lunch while she was in Winnipeg for appointments, we get to do this 1-2 a year and it's a nice time just the two of us to talk. She's been reading my blog faithfully since I began it (Hi mom!) and has read about the rainbow promises through my friend. She decided, that since I'm open to hearing about words/visions from God she would share the one she had for me. Since this is a new experience for her, she wasn't sure she should share, she asked for advice from other prayer warriors who advised she would know when and if to tell me. She took my blog about my latest promise as a sign to share.

My mom was praying in March for a couple who was finally pregnant after nine years, some complications with getting sick in the 8th month. These prayers didn't include/touch on my situation at all. Anyway, as she was praying for this couple she heard 'Your daughter next year.' And she knew this was meant for me about having a child.

A timely gift from my mom, and God, just days before Mother's Day, one of the hardest days of the year for me. I know God is making it very hard to be doubtful, as this is at least the 4th time someone has said God has told them I will one day have children in the last 3 months. Before mom's words, I had enough faith renewed I could have waited a few more years. Now I'm pretty sure I won't have to!

I have a Promise

Just about exactly one year ago, I received what I have come to believe is a promise.

I asked God about my renewed hope. Was it because a baby was still in our future?

Yes, it was.

A first glimpse of the promise.


"What was the hold up?" I asked.
I learned I needed to do things right this time.
I needed Sean on the same page.

So, our anniversary weekend, on the very last day on the drive home, I asked the question I dreaded the answer to.

To my surprise Sean sincerely expressed a genuine desire to have children of his own finally!


To me, that was another promise from God. He changed Sean's heart. What other reason could he have for changing Sean's heart instead of mine?

Just over a month later, I was meeting with God in the mountain meadows I love to escape to in my mind. Just like every time, we sat amongst flowers, in brilliant sun shine and brilliant white clothes.
But this time was different.
I had a very pregnant belly showing underneath my beautiful white sundress.
And I did become pregnant, with expectation. :)

Another promise.

Just a few months later, I impatiently asked WHEN?!

I was promised January.


And I was given January.

His promise was true, that I can't deny.
But. 
The doubts. Oh, the doubts.
What a weapon those doubts can be.

They started sometime before day 26.
How could they not?
Day 26 had only ever been reached once before.
It had been several years, but in my heart I had felt this all before, it was fresh and raw and the thoughts raced.
Not quite convinced I asked for a sure sign.
My 'go-to' sign of a promise, a rainbow.
Yes, in the middle of January in Winterpeg, I asked God for a rainbow because my doubts clouded my faith. I even laughed, 'now that's a challenge for you God! I guess you'll have to give me a sundog or something!'

I didn't get a rainbow.
And a few days later I had even more reason to doubt.

Then I doubted myself.
I must deserve this somehow.
I know in a past life (figure of speech, not literally) I had been in a relationship where I did not treasure life, I had once thought I was pregnant and rather than face the shame I toyed with the idea of ending the promise God was going to give another life. It never came down to that, but I seriously contemplated that this one thought, dwelling on that one temptation, was enough to earn me bareness.

I picked up an Infertility Devotional book that had been a gift a few years earlier.
I had managed 3 whole pages before setting it aside until now.
But now, something told me to look again.
In it's pages, God confronted my doubts head on, and my self-punishment too. He had taken my whole punishment already. I wasn't being punished. My doubts were human, especially a scarred human, who he made logical and always contemplating ALL outcomes.
My doubts did not become reality.
I am not that powerful.

So. Where did that leave me?
And then I realized, I was STILL in HIS hands!  
He was still God.
Still in control.
He hadn't taken away his promise.

Yet, I couldn't hope.
I couldn't bare to listen for fear of what promises I may hear.
In a way that was my acknowledgement.
Yes, I believed there was still a promise for us.
But I couldn't grasp it.
Couldn't claim it.
I ran from it.

I told God.
I'm sorry, but I can't bare to hear you right now.
I told no one else.
After baring my soul about everything else.
After years of seeking God's presence.
After encountering God in such a personal way.
Who would run from that?
I would.
This was my secret.

So.
God decided to tell his own secret.
To my dear friend.
As she drove one day, about a week after our loss, she saw a sundog with a rainbow on one side.
She asked, "Lord, who is this promise for?"
"Lori" was the answer that came back.
As she praised and thanked him she heard,
"Look up again."
Now there was a rainbow on both sides of the sundog.
And she heard, double blessing.

And, once again, I had a promise.
Whether I wanted it or not.

But I did.
Want it.

The hope didn't immediately come back.
It was a slow float.
Rising on temporal gusts rather than steady wind.

March 2nd, the day after our 10th wedding anniversary.
5 weeks after our loss.
We renewed our vows.
Renewed our promise.
And in Sean's vows he said;
"I can see our unborn children in your eyes."
A double blessing.
Because with his promise, HIS promise grew strong again.
Hope grew strong again.

I have a promise.