Renewed Hope

So, today was the day I've long awaited, the day I hoped to have the right people ask the right questions and start a journey of getting some answers, which all happened, but what made me even happier was that a treatment plan was already put in place today.
I will be starting treatments this Thursday already! The doctor said it sounds like my ovulation happens at a different time every month so he's going to put me on a drug that regulates that, which is what I start taking Thursday. They are in the mean time also doing routine blood tests for hormone levels, some tomorrow and some in 3 weeks, partly to see what kind of hormones levels I have and partly to see if I did in fact ovulate due to this drug. The doctor also said that insulin levels can affect ovulation and so he gave me a drug that regulates that as well. It's actually a drug that treats diabetics, and so he said it may also help me lose weight, which will also increase my chances of ovulating normally. He said the reason weight can affect fertility is because the more you weigh the more estrogen your body produces and so when it comes time to ovulate it thinks it doesn't need to produce the extra estrogen to release the egg because your body has enough, and an egg doesn't get released or it delays the release. He said I should still have an exercise and nutrition program (which I do :) at the same time to work with these drugs. Of course they are doing a few other things just to rule stuff out, like Sean is being tested, and an x-ray of my uterus will be done in about a month, and possibly more depending on my blood tests and whether I ovulate this month. He gave us a flow chart of how the testing process works, showing what results to lead to which courses of action, treatment-wise or further testing. Also, there were other tips/advice he gave us, regarding timing and frequency, testing ovulation (buying tests), etc.
It sounds simple enough for the moment, and Sean is willing, and it doesn't feel like we're manipulating nature too much. I haven't got the prescriptions yet since I can't start them until Thursday anyway, so we'll see how much they cost us. I guess that will factor into how long we try this plan of treatment. The doctor said the insulin regulator alone helps a lot of women, so depending on cost we might stick with just that.....I'm crossing my fingers it helps with my weight too, that would be nice : )

Getting down to business

Ok, I know I've said this before but I am going to make it happen this time. I AM going to lose weight. I am NOT going to just try some fad diet. I am NOT going to reward exercise with food. I AM going to seek help (my personal trainer sister is a good start). I am NOT going to go crazy and hit the ground with all cylinders blazing, slow and steady wins this race.
I have a plan, I have a goal, and I'm going to do it! I am so nervous that my weight is the only reason I can not get pregnant. That's what the fertility clinic told my sister and she was only technically 20lbs over weight (according to BMI which doesn't even take into account muscle mass). I would have loved having her body and they said she was overweight. I'd rather not hear that, and know all this pain and heartache over the last 2 years has been my fault all along.
Not to mention, I'm beginning to see many other ramifications for being over weight. Possible sleep apnea and being not well rested, the beginnings of the osteoarthritis my mom has, not having energy to play with my neices for more than a little while. All things I need to pay serious attention to if I am ever going to be a mother.
So, this time I'm serious. And I'm going to do it!
Oh, and I got my letter, I have my appointment with the fertility clinich March 11th!!

Why Them, Why Not Me

For every story I hear about a woman who is eventually blessed with a biological child, after years of waiting, wondering, testing, giving up hope, there are far more stories of mothers who are unwed or single, a teenager, or worse, under the age of consent, who not only didn't plan to become pregnant but they don't want to be pregnant.
I have a hard enough time hearing people I care about are pregnant but to have to live in a world where people unfit to be parents are able to so easily, without effort, without any forthought, without any desire, without any love, are given the precious gift of children. That's what tears my heart into a million pieces, because who knows what life these children will have to endure. If they get to endure life at all!
Per year, there are approximately 1.3 million abortions in North America, and 42 million abortions worldwide!! 93% of ALL abortions occur for social reasons , i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient!!! 39 million babies murdered because they were an inconvenience!!!! An estimated 43% of ALL women will have at least 1 abortion by the time they are 45 years old, and almost half of them will do it a second time!!!!!
Let's compare that to the number of women giving their children up for adoption, because everything's relative right? Well, it's pretty hard to even find these kind of statistics, there are none for North America as a whole, the US is at about 121,000 per year right now, there are no stats for Canada or worldwide. From all the info I can see, we could guestimate 4 million adoptions worldwide, and that's probably an over estimate. 10% less adoptions than abortions!! And that's not even taking into consideration that the adoption may not have been because it was an unwanted or inconvenient baby, it could be orphaned children of loving parents, it could be a step-parent taking more responsibility for a child's life. There is no way to know how many of those adoptions are a choice as opposed to abortion.
Why is the precious gift of life wasted on those women? It's hard not to let those stories mulitply the heartache. It's hard not to let those stories get you bitter. It's hard not to get angry. It's hard to see God's plan in all that. I know it's there, it just can get really hard to see sometimes.

What hurts the most

Having a sister who is going through what I am has never been as comforting as it is today. Because my other sister has announced she's pregnant with her third child at our Christmas gathering today. The same day, two weeks earlier, I hoped I'd get to be the one to say those words. And what hurt the most, was for her to say, 'you two only have until March to get pregnant if you want to have kids the same year as my last'. As if it's all up to us. I came very close to bitterly spitting out the lie, "I lost a baby 2 weeks ago", knowing it was probably not true. But it could be. And then maybe she'd see this is not a subject she can so flippantly comment on. Especially considering there are two of us. Two people she obviously didn't see hurting. We weren't sure how it could be missed, times two. But it was.
The saddest part is it took all the joy away from the fact we were going to be aunts again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

So, good news, I got my referral to the fertility clinic. All I have to do is wait for them to contact me with an appointment. They have no idea how long that will take, but it took my sister about a month. It's easier to wait with time frames.
Bad news, I still need the fertility clinic appointment because after another 4 days (so, 12 in total) of being late I got my period. Longest late period yet, and so of course, the most hope I've had built up yet. Of course by day 10 (even with a negative test on day 8) I am imagining getting to tell all of our family at Christmas in some silly 'gift' gag that suprises them with the news. I'm imagining a baby being born close to my birthday, what a perfect gift that would be.
I let myself get far too carried away. Will I ever learn? The pain and bitterness inside me are ugly. I can get rid of it much faster now but it is still not fun.
No tests until 15 days. Seriously this time, I just can't take it anymore.

One giant leap for mother-kind

Finally, the day of my appointment! I know I won't really be getting any answers today, but it's the next step to getting some answers. Today I will only get a referral to the fertility clinic in our city, provided the 'substitute' doctor can glean enough information from my file and myself to warrant that referral.
Oh, and guess what? I'm also 8 days late. With a negative test. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help it, I listened to 'people' who say, once you have the doctor's appointment you end up pregnant. Yeah, yeah. Will I ever learn.

The Waiting Game

After about 6 months I've made peace with the fact I have no regular cycle, so no regular ovulation. I'm very eager to have my doctor's appointment to figure out why and if it can be 'fixed'. Unfortunately, the doctor is apparently not so eager to see me. He's decided to retire and the 'substitute' doctor is only part time so my appointment which was supposed to be today is now postponed until December 4th.
Oh joy. More waiting. I've barely made it this long, I've been counting down for awhile now. But I also realize I have found a lot of peace in the last few months. God hasn't told me that I am not going to be a mother, He allows me to hope and plan and try without showing me any reason not to. I just have to continue to learn, it's all in His hands. That may be the whole reason I have to wait so long to be a mother....to learn that very valuable lesson. And to learn not to be offended by God's choice to teach me that lesson anyway He sees fit, because He knows what it will take for me to learn it. I'm even learning to be grateful to Him for that. I haven't mastered that gratefulness, but I am learning.