Desert Song

The Desert Song (by Hillsong) has been a favorite worship song of mine for several months now but last Sunday a story was read about the singer, and how she lost her baby, at 23 weeks, a week before she filmed the video for this song. She still did it, even though she didn't feel like it, because satan was trying to use her baby's death as a weapon against her, and she had to let God be victorious. Watch the video below for the full story and the song.

Now, even more so, this is my prayer, because I know being without a child is sometimes a weapon the devil uses against me, so that I will feel I have no victory in God, so that I won't praise God. But I will praise God, no matter the season, because He will always be God, He is victorious, and He is with me, no matter what I'm going through.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the flames

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I received I will sow

Making Babies - Giveaway

I was directed to this site by my thoughtful cousin and found information about a book called "Making Babies - A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility." It definately peaked my interest because I already know how vital pre-natal vitamins are to prepare my body to carry a healthy baby to term, maybe there are other things my body needs or needs to get rid of in addition to the lost weight (and therefore estrogen). If you are interested in winning this book, or know of someone who may be, send them here.

Pangs

After feeling like I've been in a very good spot about being childless, the whole 'gaining acceptance of my infertility' thing, yet having the 'hopeful, nothing is impossible with God' outlook, I was surprised to still get a the 'pangs' as I call them.
The pangs are somewhat like an old injury, where occasionally, an old pain flares up bringing new pain out of the blue. It's not very often anymore but occasionally when I see a pregnant woman I get a tiny pang. When I hear about someone I know who is pregnant, it doesn't even matter the circumstances anymore because I know their baby is part of God's plan, but I still get a tiny pang. But this week I was just hit with a big pang!
When my husband and I got married, and children were but a pipe dream, our circle of friends was our very small Church. The core group, other than my parents who also attended, was three married couples other than us, only one of which already had two children, the other couples did not, and then the six single people, so 8 childless 'families' like us. Since then, four of the singles have been married, and one of the marrieds was re-married, and all but one (in addition to us) of all the couples have had at least one child, and 4 of them are/were due between June, July and August this summer! Two out of those couples having a baby have been married less than a year!
I just found out about the last one this week, and had not heard one word before then (although we're friends on Facebook), that she's due any day now. And a big pang hit. It had nothing to do with them, but it was just the....wham, wham, wham....and oh wait, we're not done yet....wham! It was just the realization that out of our group of 11 'families', and actually only 9 of which weren't already done having children, we are now 1 out of 4 that don't have any children and that's probably only because 2 of those 4 are single and the other couple are 'jet setters' and I don't even know if they want children.
I feel a bit like the ugly duckling, like as long as I'm with other swans, I feel like I'm just one of the bunch, and I feel better about myself, but as soon as I'm around the ducklings I feel like I'm the cursed 'pittied' one. I know that I should be able to see the bigger picture, and know I'm a swan and it doesn't matter if I'm around ducklings or puppies or larvae, I'm still the same, I'm no better or worse based on who I'm surrounded by.
I thought I was in the 'place', but I guess I'm not, and so I continue to work on giving my emotions to God so that these pangs do not become a pain.

I am who I am, baby or not

I received a book from my dad called "I don't need a baby to be who I am". I don't know what I was expecting but it was better than I thought. Although, it had a more feminist and a new-agey feel that made it hard to connect with everything she was saying, it also did connect with something I already have been beginning to feel. There are many children already born in this world that I can help in ways a mother can't, and that I have a place in shaping this world, I am a part of the 'village' it takes to raise these children.
Just because I don't have my own children to devote my time to right now doesn't mean there are not children I could be devoting my time to. I could be sharing the immense love I have with other people's children (and I have been, both with my neices and nephew as well as in the nursery at Church). I could be sharing my wisdom and experiences in life to help young girls before they make the bad decisions I did. The opportunity may even present itself to us to foster children, it's a thought we've tossed around.
I think the biggest thing I've been learning right now is that regardless of what God has planned for me in these childless days right now, the plans are the same for me whether children are in my future or not. His plans don't change for me just because I don't know what the future will hold, because He knows my future! Maybe I'm delaying children by trying to 'force' them into being now, yet no matter what I do I won't be able to change His plans for me, so why not just focus on participating in His plan and let it unfold the way He's meant it to be. If I feel the need to love children in the mean time, there are plenty to choose from.

Purpose Driven Life

I had just started fasting a month previous to my 'awakening' and since then the truth has come pouring into my life on my fast day. God is giving me so many things I feel the need to share I can get overwhelmed and I can't keep up, and I worry that in my rush to share them as fast as I get them I can't possibly do them justice. But it feels so amazing that something I'm saying is making people think, and that it resonates with what the Holy Spirit is speaking into their lives as well. And the more I'm sharing the truth in my 'virtual life' (my blogs, which although they are not anonymous, make it a little easier to get on the soap box) the easier I find it to share those same truths in real life as well.
I finally understand what it means to have a Purpose Driven life, because my purpose, no matter how little of it I understand, is enough to make me driven, to make me passionate, and it drives me closer to God, so that I can understand more and so I can share more. What an awesome cycle to be caught up in!
I find it hard to imagine being more blessed at this moment. Honestly! In fact, over these last 2 months blogging the truth, I have hardly given one thought to the pursuit of motherhood. And yet I'm still full of so much hope, driven to hope even more. I have so much reason to be full of hope!

The Very Hope

....Open up to find
Your action leaves behind
The very hope that's given for
the world to feel alive

Oh And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes

Today my eyes were opened. My actions will leave something behind, with or without having biological children. The time has come to realize and see the plan I've been designed for, and that plan is already in play now, and it will be the same with or without giving birth. I wasn't chasing God's heaven, I was chasing my heaven, and now I have to face the fear I have of letting go of my idea of heaven.
But, strangely enough, I feel so excited and at peace about where I feel God is calling me. All I know is he's calling me to be a beacon of truth, and that there is a whole world already alive that needs my hope, that needs what my actions will leave behind. And all at once my purpose has become so clear and yet so vague, and I'm not only chasing the real heaven, but I finally feel like I'm touching it.
I still don't know for sure that children do or do not have a place in my plan, whether they play a part in my heavenly purpose or not, but I do know that if I had a child or was with child today, I would not have been open to find, my eyes would not have been opened. I would not have heard God's message to me the same way. I would not have seen all His children who need me too.

Dwelling Place

Busyness is such a great distraction. I don't have much of a problem with idle hands, for me it's an idle mind, if I have nothing pre-occupying my mind it DWELLS on mostly things I don't want to dwell on these days. But being tremendously busy has alleviated that for the last two months or so.
Work has been crazy busy. I was able to fly to Calgary for some more training which is always great but hectic. And then with hiring another admin person to train, yet take some of the load off, yet the load getting bigger because we have another admin! ACK! And then finally a vacation for a week. Then before you know it, it's Christmas season and present buying and parties and gatherings begin.
Finally I have a day to myself, to rest, to find peace, to find quiet, and reflect, and of course the mind starts to dwell. I realize it's now been 2 months of being regular (in the ovulation sense of the word), and knowing my exact ovulation day. Often I hear the advice (as you do SOOOO often in this position of being childless) that as soon as people have used an ovulation test and know their exact ovulation date, it's only a month or two before they get pregnant. Once again, I do not fall into the 'norm', whatever happens to everyone else doesn't happen to me.
I am beginning to hope more and more for the revelation of a purpose, any purpose, if I'm not to be a mother, what am I to do? What else am I built for, what other kind of 'heaven' can I chase? Could be I just want something to distract me from the dwelling.