The last 51 months has been nothing like I thought it would be.
Aside from the fact my body can't/won't/doesn't want to get/stay pregnant.
Aside from the monthly dissappointment.
Aside from the weekly reminders that hopes other than my own are not being fulfilled.
Aside from the rollercoaster of a possible solution, a failed attempt, a possible solution, a failed attempt, etc., etc., etc.
Aside from all that hurt, there is a bigger hurt.
The pain is that it's my body alone, it's my dissappointment alone, my feeling failure alone, my chasing hope alone.
This journey was not meant to be done this way. Alone.
But this is how I was made, and Sean is the way he was made, and so choosing this journey seems to have been choosing something that was not meant to be.
And so......we stop choosing it. We stop chasing it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Dreaming my dreams
I'm the kind of person who has had very bizarre and often dark and scary dreams, occasionally they have been a forshadowing of what is to happen in real life, luckily not a lot though. Since July I have had nary a bad dream and a lot of good, although still sometimes strange, dreams.
In November though I had a dream that I felt very strongly telling me something, even though the dream itself wasn't concrete. I dreamt that an aquaintence, who is not even dating anyone, got pregnant. I went to visit her in the hospital after she had the baby and asked to hold the baby, which she did very willingly yet somberly. I held this baby with mixed emotions, partly joyous for the precious life I was holding, partly full of sorrow. Not for the circumstance in which the child was born. Not because it wasn't mine. It was because I knew I would NEVER hold my own. I did not want to let go, but then the mother said, "It's time to let her go," and I knew it wasn't a protective request, or visiting hours are over request, or really about her at all. I just KNEW she was giving me an opportunity to act out a good-bye with the child I'll never have. It was time to let my dream of a child go.
Now, I wasn't about to take that as a concrete sign, but it did water a seed already planted.
Then, two weeks ago today, I had a dream where I was hugely pregnant, sitting in a waiting room desperately hoping Sean and my doctor would arrive shortly before the baby decided to come! All of a sudden my parents and deceased grandma are there, which I wasn't happy about because they beat Sean, and even the baby....this was something for us alone, until after the baby was born. Next thing I was giving birth, quickly and painlessly (most definitily a dream!), and I was holding a baby boy, in a blue sweater and blue cap, then I carried him out of the hospital in a brown paper shopping bag and had to get home quickly to update my Facebook status to "Lori had a baby boy!" Way too many dream factors to take seriously, but it kind of balanced out the other dream at least.
Then, a week later, I was praying for my husband, asking God to show me how I can help him this year and I asked for my answers in dreams. God blessed me by jumping through my hoops to prove my dreams were from Him, but I couldn't quite grasp why, and in answer to my why I dreamt of a positive pregnancy test and nothing else. Considering God gave me signs I asked for to prove the dreams were from Him, I began to seriously question the possibilities of what that dream meant.
Two days later my period is late. Three days later it's later than it has been in over a year and a half. Three days later I'm a week late, I haven't been this late since December 2007. One day later, I'm definitely NOT pregnant.
Considering all the possible variables for what my dream from God meant, I didn't hope too hard, but just hard enough. So I hurt again, I let go again, I dream again.
In November though I had a dream that I felt very strongly telling me something, even though the dream itself wasn't concrete. I dreamt that an aquaintence, who is not even dating anyone, got pregnant. I went to visit her in the hospital after she had the baby and asked to hold the baby, which she did very willingly yet somberly. I held this baby with mixed emotions, partly joyous for the precious life I was holding, partly full of sorrow. Not for the circumstance in which the child was born. Not because it wasn't mine. It was because I knew I would NEVER hold my own. I did not want to let go, but then the mother said, "It's time to let her go," and I knew it wasn't a protective request, or visiting hours are over request, or really about her at all. I just KNEW she was giving me an opportunity to act out a good-bye with the child I'll never have. It was time to let my dream of a child go.
Now, I wasn't about to take that as a concrete sign, but it did water a seed already planted.
Then, two weeks ago today, I had a dream where I was hugely pregnant, sitting in a waiting room desperately hoping Sean and my doctor would arrive shortly before the baby decided to come! All of a sudden my parents and deceased grandma are there, which I wasn't happy about because they beat Sean, and even the baby....this was something for us alone, until after the baby was born. Next thing I was giving birth, quickly and painlessly (most definitily a dream!), and I was holding a baby boy, in a blue sweater and blue cap, then I carried him out of the hospital in a brown paper shopping bag and had to get home quickly to update my Facebook status to "Lori had a baby boy!" Way too many dream factors to take seriously, but it kind of balanced out the other dream at least.
Then, a week later, I was praying for my husband, asking God to show me how I can help him this year and I asked for my answers in dreams. God blessed me by jumping through my hoops to prove my dreams were from Him, but I couldn't quite grasp why, and in answer to my why I dreamt of a positive pregnancy test and nothing else. Considering God gave me signs I asked for to prove the dreams were from Him, I began to seriously question the possibilities of what that dream meant.
Two days later my period is late. Three days later it's later than it has been in over a year and a half. Three days later I'm a week late, I haven't been this late since December 2007. One day later, I'm definitely NOT pregnant.
Considering all the possible variables for what my dream from God meant, I didn't hope too hard, but just hard enough. So I hurt again, I let go again, I dream again.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Everything happens for a reason
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that good can come from anything.
My baby sister, who has been trying to get pregnant six months longer than I have, has recently become pregnant. She's gone through just about every step I have, before I have, and had made the decision that motherhood was likely not going to happen naturally so they had moved on to the adoption option. She and her husband made the decision almost two years ago to adopt siblings from Ethiopia and their paperwork was accepted in Ethiopia last April, so they were about a year and a half away from bringing those children home when they found out they'd be bringing their own child home first. Amazing! A real miracle!
Due to her sporadic cycle it's always been hard to tell if she's late, so when they first did the pregnancy test she could have been anywhere from 5-11 weeks along. Due to that, and their test was VERY positive, so the doctor therefore scheduled an ultrasound right away. During the pregnancy appointments she found out she was not even 6 weeks along, has a tipped uterus, and so during the ultrasound they saw the baby sitting very low, which was apparently cause for concern. That's when I did what I usually do....Google to find out more. Turns out that happens frequently in ultrasounds of early pregnancies in tipped uterus', it's so rare an ultrasound is done that early (they are usually not done before 12 weeks), especially in women who have a uterus facing the opposite way, so doctor's aren't used to seeing it and realize it's common for babies to sit that low in that situation. It took two weeks to confirm the baby is in fact ok, we all prayed for another miracle those fourteen days, and sure enough, we were not disappointed.
During my research of a tipped uterus though, I found out so much more. Like they are usually either from scar tissue (like from endimetriosis) or hereditary. Since my sister shared about her TU diagnosis, both my other sister and my mom revealed they too have received that diagnosis. So I read more about signs of a tipped uterus, and sure enough, comments I've heard from several of my doctors, combined with what I read, make me 99% sure I have one too. I also read that currently there is no medical/scientific link between having a tipped uterus and trouble conceiving, however I found testimony after testimony of women with TU that have trouble conceiving, whether it was only six months longer than 'normal', or two years, or more, many TU women have experienced a so far inexplicable difficulty conceiving. My mom (5 years) and my sister (4 years) included.
I have yet to figure out what that means for me, but at least it offers me a small measure of understanding "why me?". I would never wish anyone have to spend fourteen days wondering the fate of your baby that you've waited for, for four long and arduous years, and even though my sister never lost faith in her miracle, it still pains me she had to go through that. But. I may never have bothered researching anything about a tipped uterus had it not happened. Who knows, this may lead to my own miracle baby.
My baby sister, who has been trying to get pregnant six months longer than I have, has recently become pregnant. She's gone through just about every step I have, before I have, and had made the decision that motherhood was likely not going to happen naturally so they had moved on to the adoption option. She and her husband made the decision almost two years ago to adopt siblings from Ethiopia and their paperwork was accepted in Ethiopia last April, so they were about a year and a half away from bringing those children home when they found out they'd be bringing their own child home first. Amazing! A real miracle!
Due to her sporadic cycle it's always been hard to tell if she's late, so when they first did the pregnancy test she could have been anywhere from 5-11 weeks along. Due to that, and their test was VERY positive, so the doctor therefore scheduled an ultrasound right away. During the pregnancy appointments she found out she was not even 6 weeks along, has a tipped uterus, and so during the ultrasound they saw the baby sitting very low, which was apparently cause for concern. That's when I did what I usually do....Google to find out more. Turns out that happens frequently in ultrasounds of early pregnancies in tipped uterus', it's so rare an ultrasound is done that early (they are usually not done before 12 weeks), especially in women who have a uterus facing the opposite way, so doctor's aren't used to seeing it and realize it's common for babies to sit that low in that situation. It took two weeks to confirm the baby is in fact ok, we all prayed for another miracle those fourteen days, and sure enough, we were not disappointed.
During my research of a tipped uterus though, I found out so much more. Like they are usually either from scar tissue (like from endimetriosis) or hereditary. Since my sister shared about her TU diagnosis, both my other sister and my mom revealed they too have received that diagnosis. So I read more about signs of a tipped uterus, and sure enough, comments I've heard from several of my doctors, combined with what I read, make me 99% sure I have one too. I also read that currently there is no medical/scientific link between having a tipped uterus and trouble conceiving, however I found testimony after testimony of women with TU that have trouble conceiving, whether it was only six months longer than 'normal', or two years, or more, many TU women have experienced a so far inexplicable difficulty conceiving. My mom (5 years) and my sister (4 years) included.
I have yet to figure out what that means for me, but at least it offers me a small measure of understanding "why me?". I would never wish anyone have to spend fourteen days wondering the fate of your baby that you've waited for, for four long and arduous years, and even though my sister never lost faith in her miracle, it still pains me she had to go through that. But. I may never have bothered researching anything about a tipped uterus had it not happened. Who knows, this may lead to my own miracle baby.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Desert Song
The Desert Song (by Hillsong) has been a favorite worship song of mine for several months now but last Sunday a story was read about the singer, and how she lost her baby, at 23 weeks, a week before she filmed the video for this song. She still did it, even though she didn't feel like it, because satan was trying to use her baby's death as a weapon against her, and she had to let God be victorious. Watch the video below for the full story and the song.
Now, even more so, this is my prayer, because I know being without a child is sometimes a weapon the devil uses against me, so that I will feel I have no victory in God, so that I won't praise God. But I will praise God, no matter the season, because He will always be God, He is victorious, and He is with me, no matter what I'm going through.
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the flames
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I received I will sow
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Making Babies - Giveaway
I was directed to this site by my thoughtful cousin and found information about a book called "Making Babies - A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility." It definately peaked my interest because I already know how vital pre-natal vitamins are to prepare my body to carry a healthy baby to term, maybe there are other things my body needs or needs to get rid of in addition to the lost weight (and therefore estrogen). If you are interested in winning this book, or know of someone who may be, send them here.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Pangs
After feeling like I've been in a very good spot about being childless, the whole 'gaining acceptance of my infertility' thing, yet having the 'hopeful, nothing is impossible with God' outlook, I was surprised to still get a the 'pangs' as I call them.
The pangs are somewhat like an old injury, where occasionally, an old pain flares up bringing new pain out of the blue. It's not very often anymore but occasionally when I see a pregnant woman I get a tiny pang. When I hear about someone I know who is pregnant, it doesn't even matter the circumstances anymore because I know their baby is part of God's plan, but I still get a tiny pang. But this week I was just hit with a big pang!
When my husband and I got married, and children were but a pipe dream, our circle of friends was our very small Church. The core group, other than my parents who also attended, was three married couples other than us, only one of which already had two children, the other couples did not, and then the six single people, so 8 childless 'families' like us. Since then, four of the singles have been married, and one of the marrieds was re-married, and all but one (in addition to us) of all the couples have had at least one child, and 4 of them are/were due between June, July and August this summer! Two out of those couples having a baby have been married less than a year!
I just found out about the last one this week, and had not heard one word before then (although we're friends on Facebook), that she's due any day now. And a big pang hit. It had nothing to do with them, but it was just the....wham, wham, wham....and oh wait, we're not done yet....wham! It was just the realization that out of our group of 11 'families', and actually only 9 of which weren't already done having children, we are now 1 out of 4 that don't have any children and that's probably only because 2 of those 4 are single and the other couple are 'jet setters' and I don't even know if they want children.
I feel a bit like the ugly duckling, like as long as I'm with other swans, I feel like I'm just one of the bunch, and I feel better about myself, but as soon as I'm around the ducklings I feel like I'm the cursed 'pittied' one. I know that I should be able to see the bigger picture, and know I'm a swan and it doesn't matter if I'm around ducklings or puppies or larvae, I'm still the same, I'm no better or worse based on who I'm surrounded by.
I thought I was in the 'place', but I guess I'm not, and so I continue to work on giving my emotions to God so that these pangs do not become a pain.
The pangs are somewhat like an old injury, where occasionally, an old pain flares up bringing new pain out of the blue. It's not very often anymore but occasionally when I see a pregnant woman I get a tiny pang. When I hear about someone I know who is pregnant, it doesn't even matter the circumstances anymore because I know their baby is part of God's plan, but I still get a tiny pang. But this week I was just hit with a big pang!
When my husband and I got married, and children were but a pipe dream, our circle of friends was our very small Church. The core group, other than my parents who also attended, was three married couples other than us, only one of which already had two children, the other couples did not, and then the six single people, so 8 childless 'families' like us. Since then, four of the singles have been married, and one of the marrieds was re-married, and all but one (in addition to us) of all the couples have had at least one child, and 4 of them are/were due between June, July and August this summer! Two out of those couples having a baby have been married less than a year!
I just found out about the last one this week, and had not heard one word before then (although we're friends on Facebook), that she's due any day now. And a big pang hit. It had nothing to do with them, but it was just the....wham, wham, wham....and oh wait, we're not done yet....wham! It was just the realization that out of our group of 11 'families', and actually only 9 of which weren't already done having children, we are now 1 out of 4 that don't have any children and that's probably only because 2 of those 4 are single and the other couple are 'jet setters' and I don't even know if they want children.
I feel a bit like the ugly duckling, like as long as I'm with other swans, I feel like I'm just one of the bunch, and I feel better about myself, but as soon as I'm around the ducklings I feel like I'm the cursed 'pittied' one. I know that I should be able to see the bigger picture, and know I'm a swan and it doesn't matter if I'm around ducklings or puppies or larvae, I'm still the same, I'm no better or worse based on who I'm surrounded by.
I thought I was in the 'place', but I guess I'm not, and so I continue to work on giving my emotions to God so that these pangs do not become a pain.
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