I haven't written here in awhile but I just wanted to pop in and say that it's not because I'm once again on the descending part of this rollercoaster. I wanted to say no news is good news.....things are the same but I am still hopeful.
I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.
I do have stirrings.
I do have whispers.
I do have 'maybe'.
I do have prayers.
I do have dreams.
Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.
I still have love.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Hope or Presumption
Awhile ago I wrote about 'expecting miracles' and how even though I know and have complete faith God is very capable of giving me a miracle child, I have had trouble expecting that for myself. I wasn't sure I should expect the miracle I wanted, so I expected a miracle in general.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Infertility is not...
I hate it when people ask what options we are exploring for fertility/children, and when I say none I get The look.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Infertility is like getting fired
hours each day spent on tasks that are just unnecessary anymore, what to do with yourself?
pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.
and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'
it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.
it's like starting life over again.
find new things to do, new people to see.
At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.
Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will? Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.
and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'
it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.
it's like starting life over again.
find new things to do, new people to see.
At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.
Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will? Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Expecting Miracles...part 2
So I FINALLY finished the bracelet I started way back in February when I wrote this post on Expecting Miracles!
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I'm so happy I finally got around to it and can wear it! It's such a small thing but I just can't explain it, it just feels good to wear it, like my faith is little more bolstered now, I've got that extra bit more hope to draw from now.
I love it.
I love it.
Friday, June 24, 2011
999 reasons
to laugh at infertility, a good blog for a pick-me-up when there are 9999 reasons to cry because of infertility.
reason #9328
the 30th day of your cycle mantra (or whatever day it is for you)
no, you are not pregnant.
no, that was not implantation spotting.
no, you are not more exhausted than usual.
no, that icky feeling in the morning is not morning sickness.
no, your breasts are not sore because they are filling with milk.
no, the timing 36 weeks from now is not perfect because it co-insides with _______ (fill in the blank).
no, you are not pregnant.
repeat. hourly. until 31st day of cycle (usually).
reason #9328
the 30th day of your cycle mantra (or whatever day it is for you)
no, you are not pregnant.
no, that was not implantation spotting.
no, you are not more exhausted than usual.
no, that icky feeling in the morning is not morning sickness.
no, your breasts are not sore because they are filling with milk.
no, the timing 36 weeks from now is not perfect because it co-insides with _______ (fill in the blank).
no, you are not pregnant.
repeat. hourly. until 31st day of cycle (usually).
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Mother's & Father's Day
So, my Mother's day this year was actually not emotional at all. No jealousy from facebook statuses. No left-outness at Church, where they did a shout out to the childless who can still "mentor-mother" (even if they did use a spinster as an example). No over exposure to cute kids smothering their mothers with love. Much better than last year.
Father's day, not quite so good. First the well meaning wishes from a 5 year old, my neice while handing out the first servings of cakes to fathers accidently wished my husband a happy father's day. my sister apologized after, but hubby didn't even really give it a second thought, knowing she was just repeating a greeting that she couldn't understand the deeper conitations of, but he was more impressed my sister apologized.This is the sister who said this and this. She's made great strides.
The actual hurtful part came 2 minutes later when my dad wished him a happy father's day while laughing. I know my dad is not tactful, pretty blunt about things that aren't his business, lacks a little consideration for people's sensitive subjects, but this surprised me.
My dad SHOULD know there is nothing pleasant about Father's day for my hubby. My dad SHOULD know how hard it is to celebrate a day that celebrates what you are trying to be and can't. My dad himself went through 5 years of trying to be a father with no success. Even before 5 years ago my husband never liked Father's day, having had no father in his life since he was 5, and actually losing his father to cancer with no reconciliation 6 years ago. My dad SHOULD know how painful hubby's experience with his father has been, and that the last thing he's ever wanted to do was celebrate a day that celebrates a figure that hurt him so much. My dad himself lost his father at a young age, he has experienced the hurt of Father's days past that were hurtful to celebrate what he didn't have.
I really can't understand where that 'foot in the mouth' greeting came from, what possibly could have been running through his brain that would make him think that was remotely appropriate. Such a small thing, but with a large rippling effect, if only the empathy filter had kicked in.
Father's day, not quite so good. First the well meaning wishes from a 5 year old, my neice while handing out the first servings of cakes to fathers accidently wished my husband a happy father's day. my sister apologized after, but hubby didn't even really give it a second thought, knowing she was just repeating a greeting that she couldn't understand the deeper conitations of, but he was more impressed my sister apologized.This is the sister who said this and this. She's made great strides.
The actual hurtful part came 2 minutes later when my dad wished him a happy father's day while laughing. I know my dad is not tactful, pretty blunt about things that aren't his business, lacks a little consideration for people's sensitive subjects, but this surprised me.
My dad SHOULD know there is nothing pleasant about Father's day for my hubby. My dad SHOULD know how hard it is to celebrate a day that celebrates what you are trying to be and can't. My dad himself went through 5 years of trying to be a father with no success. Even before 5 years ago my husband never liked Father's day, having had no father in his life since he was 5, and actually losing his father to cancer with no reconciliation 6 years ago. My dad SHOULD know how painful hubby's experience with his father has been, and that the last thing he's ever wanted to do was celebrate a day that celebrates a figure that hurt him so much. My dad himself lost his father at a young age, he has experienced the hurt of Father's days past that were hurtful to celebrate what he didn't have.
I really can't understand where that 'foot in the mouth' greeting came from, what possibly could have been running through his brain that would make him think that was remotely appropriate. Such a small thing, but with a large rippling effect, if only the empathy filter had kicked in.
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