I have been hearing God, a little more clearly, a little more loudly, a little more frequently. He has a child in store for me. For us.
I ask when. I hear soon.
I ask how soon. I hear January.
I ask, are you sure that isn't July? A birthday present would be wonderful. I can still say I started a family while I was 35 :)
Nope. January.
Ok. I'll be patient until January.
Well....
More patient.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Dream come true?
Sorry for all the teaser titles, I can't seem to help myself! :) That shows I'm in great spirits, right?
Well, I am! I have never felt so hopeful! In general, but also because of one instance in particular. A possible dream come true, literally.
Remember this dream?
So, it's been 16 months since I submitted my tattoo design for consultation and she said it would take about a year. In June I began thinking of popping into the shop to check on it but kept forgetting to go, thinking of it on a Saturday always eluded me, but that's when my friend (my tattoo artist's sister, who works only on Saturdays at the shop) would be there to also have a catch-up-visit. Finally, last Friday I remembered to put a reminder in my phone to go to the shop on Saturday. A few hours later she actually called me to say she had a design ready....and get this....she had taken some creative license with my design! I really didn't expect to see my vision when I arrived, but that was already a lot like my dream!
On Saturday I went and popped by, checked out my sketch and it wasn't the vision, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted either, so I made an appointment with another artist at the shop she had already talked to about it because she did more fantasy/ethereal art (they way I want my design), where as my friend's sister did more realism, art with defined lines. Anyway, so my friend and I chatted a little while I waited for my husband to come pick me up, got to talking about my newborn nephew just a few days old she had seen on Facebook and she asked me how our 'trying' was coming along. The conversation evolved to her giving me her old digital ovulation test!
I have long gave up on the ovulation test, after being scammed out of buying one on the internet, and buying the individual testers is way too expensive. This is such a blessing! And, how does hope for a baby came out of a visit to my tattoo shop....other than, I dreamed it first! :)
Well, I am! I have never felt so hopeful! In general, but also because of one instance in particular. A possible dream come true, literally.
Remember this dream?
So, it's been 16 months since I submitted my tattoo design for consultation and she said it would take about a year. In June I began thinking of popping into the shop to check on it but kept forgetting to go, thinking of it on a Saturday always eluded me, but that's when my friend (my tattoo artist's sister, who works only on Saturdays at the shop) would be there to also have a catch-up-visit. Finally, last Friday I remembered to put a reminder in my phone to go to the shop on Saturday. A few hours later she actually called me to say she had a design ready....and get this....she had taken some creative license with my design! I really didn't expect to see my vision when I arrived, but that was already a lot like my dream!
On Saturday I went and popped by, checked out my sketch and it wasn't the vision, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted either, so I made an appointment with another artist at the shop she had already talked to about it because she did more fantasy/ethereal art (they way I want my design), where as my friend's sister did more realism, art with defined lines. Anyway, so my friend and I chatted a little while I waited for my husband to come pick me up, got to talking about my newborn nephew just a few days old she had seen on Facebook and she asked me how our 'trying' was coming along. The conversation evolved to her giving me her old digital ovulation test!
I have long gave up on the ovulation test, after being scammed out of buying one on the internet, and buying the individual testers is way too expensive. This is such a blessing! And, how does hope for a baby came out of a visit to my tattoo shop....other than, I dreamed it first! :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
it's official
It's official, I will not make my 'deadline' of 'being finished with having children' before I am 35. I turn 35 in 20 days.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Expecting
No I'm not. Let me just get that out of the way.
But.
I have this huge faith that has given me expectation.
So much expectation that I'm filled to the brim.
And I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.
Not.so.patiently.
Because I feel like I'm pregnant with expectation.
But.
I have this huge faith that has given me expectation.
So much expectation that I'm filled to the brim.
And I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.
Not.so.patiently.
Because I feel like I'm pregnant with expectation.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
No news is good news
I haven't written here in awhile but I just wanted to pop in and say that it's not because I'm once again on the descending part of this rollercoaster. I wanted to say no news is good news.....things are the same but I am still hopeful.
I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.
I do have stirrings.
I do have whispers.
I do have 'maybe'.
I do have prayers.
I do have dreams.
Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.
I still have love.
I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.
I do have stirrings.
I do have whispers.
I do have 'maybe'.
I do have prayers.
I do have dreams.
Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.
I still have love.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Hope or Presumption
Awhile ago I wrote about 'expecting miracles' and how even though I know and have complete faith God is very capable of giving me a miracle child, I have had trouble expecting that for myself. I wasn't sure I should expect the miracle I wanted, so I expected a miracle in general.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Infertility is not...
I hate it when people ask what options we are exploring for fertility/children, and when I say none I get The look.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
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