In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.
Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.
Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.
Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.
Because this is the year we finally stopped trying....to help God....with conception.
Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.
I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Just Say No To Drugs
I have now been off Chlomid for 4 months.
The side effects have been gone for 2 months.
All except 1 that is.
Without getting into TMI, the vitality of my eggs has stayed almost as strong as when on Chlomid. Yay!
This means we are definitely choosing not to go back on Chlomid. Although, we were pretty certain I wasn't going to go back on again anyway. Not after how much pain I was in on the 8th month of it built up in my system.
Now we wait.
Wait for God to do His thing.
The side effects have been gone for 2 months.
All except 1 that is.
Without getting into TMI, the vitality of my eggs has stayed almost as strong as when on Chlomid. Yay!
This means we are definitely choosing not to go back on Chlomid. Although, we were pretty certain I wasn't going to go back on again anyway. Not after how much pain I was in on the 8th month of it built up in my system.
Now we wait.
Wait for God to do His thing.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Hope is my Strength
Well we are just on the last effects of the last of the Chlomid today.
After 8 months of riding that rollercoaster we (well, I) will be taking a break from the drug.
For at least one month.
Maybe longer.
Maybe forever.
And I'm ok with it either way.
I'm at this place again.
Where I wonder if our own attempts are just prolonging God's intervention.
He's told me our baby will bring him so much glory.
I think he doesn't want to share it :)
I'm ok with that.
When my impatience doesn't interfere.
And so I'm at peace not going back on the drugs after the break.
Because I'm confident in the 'Yes' he's promised me.
The promises have only increased in the last few months. Greatly.
I have no reason to doubt.
Not even 8+ years of reasons will make me doubt.
I have hope.
Hope is my middle name.
Not really ;) but I've adopted it as an identifier of myself.
I will be marked by hope.
"those who hope in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
After 8 months of riding that rollercoaster we (well, I) will be taking a break from the drug.
For at least one month.
Maybe longer.
Maybe forever.
And I'm ok with it either way.
I'm at this place again.
Where I wonder if our own attempts are just prolonging God's intervention.
He's told me our baby will bring him so much glory.
I think he doesn't want to share it :)
I'm ok with that.
When my impatience doesn't interfere.
And so I'm at peace not going back on the drugs after the break.
Because I'm confident in the 'Yes' he's promised me.
The promises have only increased in the last few months. Greatly.
I have no reason to doubt.
Not even 8+ years of reasons will make me doubt.
I have hope.
Hope is my middle name.
Not really ;) but I've adopted it as an identifier of myself.
I will be marked by hope.
"those who hope in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Saturday, October 5, 2013
The Count
I have been watching numbers all month.
I start at one.
I don't like waiting for this day one.
Except when I'm really waiting for day five.
Can't have day five without day one.
Day five I started my five day treatment.
Treatment to pump up the Estrogen, and pump out a souped up egg.
Then I count symptoms.
With those accounted for we fit in as many times we can do our part.
Our cue to stop is my temperature jumping 0.2 degrees F above any other temps I've had all month.
That's when I start at one again.
Time to count to ten.
Ten days of this risen temperature means my progesterone is high enough to maintain a fertilized egg until implantation.
Check.
Time to count to eighteen.
By sixteen days the egg should have implanted if fertilized and the temp stays high, if not fertilized the progesterone lowers and temp drops.
Day seventeen.
This is the longest I've had high temps since tracking eight months ago.
Eighteen is supposed to be as good as a positive pregnancy test.
Day eighteen.
I count my thermometer lose a few degrees, but still it meets the criteria of reaching day eighteen.
Yet.
I know if I take a test, it won't be positive.
Day nineteen.
Sure enough, temp has dropped again.
I made peace.
Figured there were no guarantees.
It just wasn't going to be this month.
Then the cramping became almost unbearable.
I counted off several advil to survive the day.
And I wondered, but didn't want to speak it.
I thought allowing grief would mean I didn't trust God, after I promised him on day eighteen that I did.
New day one.
I had no choice but to acknowledge miscarriage number six.
None have ever been as physically painful as this one.
And that made it hard NOT to grieve.
And I had to express it.
And I realized that my voice didn't make the trust disappear.
And I started counting my blessings.
I think this means the drug was working, just too low of a dose to increase viability enough.
And so start all over again.
Waiting for day five.
I start at one.
I don't like waiting for this day one.
Except when I'm really waiting for day five.
Can't have day five without day one.
Day five I started my five day treatment.
Treatment to pump up the Estrogen, and pump out a souped up egg.
Then I count symptoms.
With those accounted for we fit in as many times we can do our part.
Our cue to stop is my temperature jumping 0.2 degrees F above any other temps I've had all month.
That's when I start at one again.
Time to count to ten.
Ten days of this risen temperature means my progesterone is high enough to maintain a fertilized egg until implantation.
Check.
Time to count to eighteen.
By sixteen days the egg should have implanted if fertilized and the temp stays high, if not fertilized the progesterone lowers and temp drops.
Day seventeen.
This is the longest I've had high temps since tracking eight months ago.
Eighteen is supposed to be as good as a positive pregnancy test.
Day eighteen.
I count my thermometer lose a few degrees, but still it meets the criteria of reaching day eighteen.
Yet.
I know if I take a test, it won't be positive.
Day nineteen.
Sure enough, temp has dropped again.
I made peace.
Figured there were no guarantees.
It just wasn't going to be this month.
Then the cramping became almost unbearable.
I counted off several advil to survive the day.
And I wondered, but didn't want to speak it.
I thought allowing grief would mean I didn't trust God, after I promised him on day eighteen that I did.
New day one.
I had no choice but to acknowledge miscarriage number six.
None have ever been as physically painful as this one.
And that made it hard NOT to grieve.
And I had to express it.
And I realized that my voice didn't make the trust disappear.
And I started counting my blessings.
I think this means the drug was working, just too low of a dose to increase viability enough.
And so start all over again.
Waiting for day five.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Full Cycle
Life has a funny way of coming full circle, in many different ways. Mine has come full circle in my fertility.
It's almost exactly five years ago that all our tests were completed at the Heartland Fertility Clinic (well, all their tests, which isn't exhaustive as I've since found out) and came up with no negative results. While my hormone tests all came back within normal ranges, the doctor speculated because I was overweight that my insulin could be driving my Estrogen too high and my body was thinking I was already pregnant, and that while being overweight was my only symptom of PCOS, he thought taking the typical treatment drug for it, Metformin, was my first best option to 'fix' the problem. If my insulin levels were too high the drug would lower my insulin levels to trick my Estrogen levels into lowering to a normal level as well. He said if that didn't work I could come back and talk to him about another drug, Clomid, with the disclaimer it brought the chance of multiple births.
The problem was, he hadn't diagnosed a problem. I didn't see any test results, but initially he had said all my hormone levels were normal. But in the face of no other answers I took it. After a few weeks Sean and I sat down to talk about it and realized a few things. First, I was already trying to lose weight (and succeeding) in case weight was the issue, and so on the drug we wouldn't know when my body normalized it's cycle on it's own. Second, we felt like we were given a generic band-aid solution (it was prescribed to other people I know who have very different fertility problems, and it wasn't a viable solution for them either) and didn't feel comfortable taking a drug when we didn't even know if it was actually a solution for us. I was feeling ill taking it, which I would have gladly suffered through if I knew this medication was what I needed. But I didn't. So I stopped taking it.
I felt so uncared for by the fertility clinic that I didn't even bother to go back to talk about it. The other drug wasn't explained as to how it might be better suited to my issues, what it would do to help my cycle, and with the huge red flag warning, we were not any more eager to try that option. We had only been trying for 2.5 years, maybe we just needed more time, not multiple births.
So, fast forward five years. And all the new information those five years brought. And a new doctor to take new tests, some not done before. And still all the test came back with no negative results. One key piece of new information though was that I had 'likely' miscarried. Doctors won't use that word unless there was a pregnancy test first, but I know what my body went through. But she still took that under consideration, and after considering all aspects came up with a treatment that actually made sense for my body, she talked to me about a drug that could help me in two ways. She called it Clomifene and said it would stimulate the release of a stronger egg, a more viable egg, so that if it was fertilized it had a better chance of surviving. This stronger egg that was stimulated would also be a second egg, I would likely be ovulating 2 eggs per month, doubling my chances of getting pregnant each month. Yes, that meant there was a 10% chance of twins she said. I said, sign me up! I've always wanted twins!
I found out through a family member a few more things about the drug and even with the side effects, I feel like this is the treatment for me. While I still don't have a diagnosis, this medication makes sense with what we understand about my cycle, and it's not based on what feels like guesses and one-size-fits-all treatment. This is the treatment I have been waiting for. That's another thing I found out from this person, this drug is also known as Clomid. I literally have been waiting for THIS treatment for 5 years!
And yet, it doesn't bother me. I know God had this timing for a reason. There are any number of ways He could have directed me back to Heartland to seek further treatment. He could have added some compassion to the very clinical Dr. in the first place, and given me a more personal explanation of the drug. Even I can see reasons God didn't let it happen then. Even with all the challenges five years has or could add to having children, I know God's timing is perfect. Even down to the month I can start taking this drug, His timing is perfect.
As some of you have read here previously, another perfectly timed component of this story has been my tattoo. I'm not sure why this tattoo keeps weaving into my fertility but once again it has. My tattoo was scheduled for August 4th, finally, and when I showed up my artist was in bad shape. The receptionist said she was sick but she came out to talk to me personally and I could tell she was dealing with something more than physical sickness, there was a level of emotion and stress that were overwhelming her, and I understood that it would not be good for either of us to do this that day. But she knows how very long I've waited for this tattoo and so she rebooked me on a day off she had booked so I wouldn't have to wait very long, only until September 7th. As it should happen, the timing of my new medication will not work in August, with my appointment missing the start date by only one day, and my trip to California very perfectly timed to interrupt conception as well, so my next window to start the treatment is likely September 6th or 7th.
Go figure. I'm really not surprised anymore. God evidently likes bringing things full cycle in my life.
It's almost exactly five years ago that all our tests were completed at the Heartland Fertility Clinic (well, all their tests, which isn't exhaustive as I've since found out) and came up with no negative results. While my hormone tests all came back within normal ranges, the doctor speculated because I was overweight that my insulin could be driving my Estrogen too high and my body was thinking I was already pregnant, and that while being overweight was my only symptom of PCOS, he thought taking the typical treatment drug for it, Metformin, was my first best option to 'fix' the problem. If my insulin levels were too high the drug would lower my insulin levels to trick my Estrogen levels into lowering to a normal level as well. He said if that didn't work I could come back and talk to him about another drug, Clomid, with the disclaimer it brought the chance of multiple births.
The problem was, he hadn't diagnosed a problem. I didn't see any test results, but initially he had said all my hormone levels were normal. But in the face of no other answers I took it. After a few weeks Sean and I sat down to talk about it and realized a few things. First, I was already trying to lose weight (and succeeding) in case weight was the issue, and so on the drug we wouldn't know when my body normalized it's cycle on it's own. Second, we felt like we were given a generic band-aid solution (it was prescribed to other people I know who have very different fertility problems, and it wasn't a viable solution for them either) and didn't feel comfortable taking a drug when we didn't even know if it was actually a solution for us. I was feeling ill taking it, which I would have gladly suffered through if I knew this medication was what I needed. But I didn't. So I stopped taking it.
I felt so uncared for by the fertility clinic that I didn't even bother to go back to talk about it. The other drug wasn't explained as to how it might be better suited to my issues, what it would do to help my cycle, and with the huge red flag warning, we were not any more eager to try that option. We had only been trying for 2.5 years, maybe we just needed more time, not multiple births.
So, fast forward five years. And all the new information those five years brought. And a new doctor to take new tests, some not done before. And still all the test came back with no negative results. One key piece of new information though was that I had 'likely' miscarried. Doctors won't use that word unless there was a pregnancy test first, but I know what my body went through. But she still took that under consideration, and after considering all aspects came up with a treatment that actually made sense for my body, she talked to me about a drug that could help me in two ways. She called it Clomifene and said it would stimulate the release of a stronger egg, a more viable egg, so that if it was fertilized it had a better chance of surviving. This stronger egg that was stimulated would also be a second egg, I would likely be ovulating 2 eggs per month, doubling my chances of getting pregnant each month. Yes, that meant there was a 10% chance of twins she said. I said, sign me up! I've always wanted twins!
I found out through a family member a few more things about the drug and even with the side effects, I feel like this is the treatment for me. While I still don't have a diagnosis, this medication makes sense with what we understand about my cycle, and it's not based on what feels like guesses and one-size-fits-all treatment. This is the treatment I have been waiting for. That's another thing I found out from this person, this drug is also known as Clomid. I literally have been waiting for THIS treatment for 5 years!
And yet, it doesn't bother me. I know God had this timing for a reason. There are any number of ways He could have directed me back to Heartland to seek further treatment. He could have added some compassion to the very clinical Dr. in the first place, and given me a more personal explanation of the drug. Even I can see reasons God didn't let it happen then. Even with all the challenges five years has or could add to having children, I know God's timing is perfect. Even down to the month I can start taking this drug, His timing is perfect.
As some of you have read here previously, another perfectly timed component of this story has been my tattoo. I'm not sure why this tattoo keeps weaving into my fertility but once again it has. My tattoo was scheduled for August 4th, finally, and when I showed up my artist was in bad shape. The receptionist said she was sick but she came out to talk to me personally and I could tell she was dealing with something more than physical sickness, there was a level of emotion and stress that were overwhelming her, and I understood that it would not be good for either of us to do this that day. But she knows how very long I've waited for this tattoo and so she rebooked me on a day off she had booked so I wouldn't have to wait very long, only until September 7th. As it should happen, the timing of my new medication will not work in August, with my appointment missing the start date by only one day, and my trip to California very perfectly timed to interrupt conception as well, so my next window to start the treatment is likely September 6th or 7th.
Go figure. I'm really not surprised anymore. God evidently likes bringing things full cycle in my life.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Be Still My Heart
Already a perfect evening.
And then, I hear a shout.
"Lori! It's your rainbow!!"
My eyes fly to the skies.
And.there.it.is.
In all it's glory.
The widest rainbow I've ever seen, I could see where both ends touched the ground.
The brightest rainbow I've ever seen, every colour visible and brilliant.
And then.
Another proclamation.
"There are two! It's a double rainbow!"
Really? Could it be?
The first rainbow I've seen since I asked God for one.
And it echoed the promise He gave my friend....a double blessing.
Be still my heart.
The hope is taking flight again.
And then, I hear a shout.
"Lori! It's your rainbow!!"
My eyes fly to the skies.
And.there.it.is.
In all it's glory.
The widest rainbow I've ever seen, I could see where both ends touched the ground.
The brightest rainbow I've ever seen, every colour visible and brilliant.
And then.
Another proclamation.
"There are two! It's a double rainbow!"
Really? Could it be?
The first rainbow I've seen since I asked God for one.
And it echoed the promise He gave my friend....a double blessing.
Be still my heart.
The hope is taking flight again.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Test Results
So I had tests run in February to see if a reason for miscarriages could be determined and I finally had my appointment with the referred OBGYN today.
Everything is fine.
Well, from those tests, that's what she's able to determine. There is only one test left that can say otherwise. So, next month we schedule that test for blockages, and if necessary, get rid of blockages. If no blockages there is one last option within the realm of what Sean and I are willing to do in regards to treatment. It's a drug that you take in pill form that increases ovulation every month so that you release 2 eggs...hopefully doubling your chances. She says the most you can have is twins, or very unlikely, triplets.
Hmmmm.
Twins.
I always wanted twins.
Double blessing?
Everything is fine.
Well, from those tests, that's what she's able to determine. There is only one test left that can say otherwise. So, next month we schedule that test for blockages, and if necessary, get rid of blockages. If no blockages there is one last option within the realm of what Sean and I are willing to do in regards to treatment. It's a drug that you take in pill form that increases ovulation every month so that you release 2 eggs...hopefully doubling your chances. She says the most you can have is twins, or very unlikely, triplets.
Hmmmm.
Twins.
I always wanted twins.
Double blessing?
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