Let it go

I mentioned in my last post, we've been 'holding on to the dream' of children differently since starting to try again almost 5 years ago, now we hold it with more trust of God's will.   Yet I have moments of still holding on too tightly, it's been an internal battle fighting that voice of entitlement that can rise up in me sometimes.

The last few months I have sensed God telling me to let it go.  This is different than the last time I 'let it go' because, that was all my choice, and that was more of a 'let it be gone.'

I don't sense that He's saying no, just saying 'let it go', uncurl my fingers wrapped around it and release it to God.  I sense He is trying to empty this from my hands so that He can place something new there, and that He will still be holding our dream in His hands for the time being.

And with that, He's shown me other parts of my life where I have to let my fertility journey go as well. Trying to help other women in similar circumstances to me has meant thinking about infertility on a regular basis, and I can't separate those efforts from thinking about how it affects me, and the constant focus makes it very difficult to be in 'let it go' mode.

So, at this point in time, I am stepping back from this platform of sharing this journey.  As with any journey, you just never know where it's going to take you or when/if you'll be back, but I've loved my time here and a piece of my heart will always belong here.

What is old anyway?

So....it's official.  I will not be having a baby before my 40th birthday.  Well, that is aside from a potential, drastic miracle from God, which can never be ruled out. But logically, realistically, naturally, if I am ever a mother it will be a 40+ year old mother.

Today, 35 weeks away from my 40th birthday, I am not taking it that hard.  I imagine there will be moments between now and then that are much more filled with grief.  I've already been wrestling for 6 months about the idea of being an 'old' mom, it started just before my 39th birthday.  I struggle with likelihood statistics and the idea that even IF I get pregnant today, I'll be 50 when my child is 10, 60 when they are 20, etc. Quite frankly I am daunted by the math.

As I deal with my own parents entering their seventies, and watching the aging process become more evident, I hate the idea my children might have to deal with these same issues at a much younger age. Yet, on my 39th birthday I made peace with it being God's plan.  40 years ago my parents would have been considered 'old' parents, and He planned that I would have 'old' parents.  And if I am having children at all, it is His plan that my children will also have 'old' parents as well, with all that entails.

I had lunch with my dad the other day, and even while he sees the decline in independence with the increasing age of his friends and family, he is still very resistant to the idea his age changes his abilities.  He still thinks he's 'young enough'.  One could argue in some aspects he is, he was playing volleyball over the September long weekend with family who were mostly half his age or younger.  In other ways my sisters and I noticed aging we had never been aware of before.  In ways I know he doesn't see.

I wonder what I don't see. I wonder when I will be fully aware of the limits of my physical age when it comes to motherhood, when I'll be able to admit my ability to have a baby is not possible anymore. In my mind and heart I still feel so young! I still think of myself as 30-ish. In my body, not so much. But for now I still see myself as young enough.

My husband and I talk about this about once a year, and again this year we determined we don't feel like it's time to declare we are too old yet.  Not even anticipating the impending 40 year mark for me. Maybe the 40 year mark for him, that's another 4 years away. Who knows what 4 years will bring!  5 years ago I was 18 months into my break from 'trying', still thinking it wasn't ever going to happen, but then suddenly a few months later God changed my perspective and Sean's heart, and here we are, still hanging on to the dream. In some ways we are holding on to it much differently, in other ways I've been still been holding on to it too tightly.  But that is for another post.

For now, I just try to make peace with it and not get caught up in numbers, if we are blessed with children, I know God will make us all capable of dealing with the journey, regardless of the math.

Storms vs Rainbows

I have been trying to practice more mindfulness lately, overall for the last few years, but intentionally being really 'in the moment' for the last few weeks. It's been getting easier and especially in moments I am enjoying, I stop and really try to absorb everything I am enjoying about that moment. Really having moments of bliss!

Like last night, because I am a sky addict, I love pretty much everything that happens in the sky, but especially light/dark contrast in clouds, doubly spectacular if it's storm clouds at dusk/sunset and lightening! The only thing I love more are perfect pink sunsets and rainbows (for many reasons, some of which I've mentioned here before). I was in awe and if I hadn't had a class I would have stood outside in the rain laced air all evening to enjoy it.  I soaked in the few minutes I got and went inside, and I noticed the peaceful and relaxed way I felt, which was notable considering I had to give a presentation that evening and I dislike class presentations!

So, later I get home, I unwind with a quick scroll through Facebook and I see someone's photo of a rainbow, and then someone else's photo of a double rainbow! 'Really?!' I thought.  I missed out on rainbows?! Double rainbows!! But interestingly, immediately I realized something, and knew instantly it was a lesson to carry over to my fertility,  and life in general. I can get caught up thinking I am missing out on my idea of ideal, focusing on the unfairness that someone else got it and I didn't, when it means so much to me. That feeling of missing out almost caused me to diminish the BEAUTIFUL sky I did get the blessing of enjoying!  Metaphorically, we're told to tolerate the storm because a rainbow will follow, and I did more than just tolerate, I reveled in the storm, without even expecting a rainbow! The sky I witnessed was inspiring and gave me a few moments of healing, no less than a rainbow would have done. It made me wonder, how many spectacular moments have I diminished in my life because it wasn't a baby, or something else I dream of?

Part of my desire to increase my mindfulness is to be more aware of how much I am blessed, to increase how much I recognize grace in my life, to increase joy. This is a good place to start, understanding those moments won't always look like typical blessings,  but that doesn't lessen the healing and joy I can receive from them, if only I will recognize them for what they are.

I hope you dance

I had a moment yesterday. I haven't had one in a long time. Actually, almost exactly a year ago. Not sure what it is about March but this has happened during several of the ten March's I've been waiting through.

It was a moment where I just doubted I'd ever be pregnant. If I truly believe all that God has led me to understand, I shouldn't doubt, but yesterday I couldn't shake the thought...."well, He's never outright promised me anything". And it's probably the hormones talking, because it's that time of the month. And it's probably because my best friend just told me she's pregnant again. And it's probably because I was really hoping to hold my niece for the first time this weekend (she decided she didn't want to make her entrance into the world yet). And none of those things upset me at all, two of them bring me great joy!

Yet, there I was, crying in my car while running errands. Just because the doubt decided to hit me extra hard. I was mad at myself for doubting, I had gotten so good at recognizing how it creeps in and discourages, and I can combat it quite well now. Something God showed me last March during this same battle. He showed me I've been doing such a good job of keeping my eyes on Him, and trusting Him regardless. He showed me He invited me to walk with Him on the waves, not just walk but dance, and that we were! But He's been more silent than usual lately, and a different mothering path has ping'd, far off but still on my radar. And I wonder if He's holding back the truth, that that is my path and I won't get to be pregnant after all. I was torn, between prematurely mourning and shutting up this discouraging voice in my head.

By the time I hopped back in my car last night after errands, I was tired of the heaviness and turned on the radio, channel hopping to find a non-depressing song to listen to, which took almost a full minute, when I heard the familiar chords of a fun song I love. The first words I heard struck like a gong in my chest, and I teared up again, but this time because of God's amazing grace. This song isn't even remotely a song about Jesus, but it spoke something to me what Jesus has told me before:

"Oh don't you dare look back,
just keep your eyes on me"
I said, "You're holding back!"
(s)he said, "Shut up and dance with me!"

Trusting can be oh so hard some days, and on those days it is very hard to be re-directed, to get no answers, to be told to 'just trust'. But, turns out, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed the reminder that Jesus is in these waves with me, and I can fret and sink or I can keep my eyes on Him and dance.

Psalm 30:11 - You have turned my mourning into dancing.

Infertility Interview #6 - Meet Sara

This is my last interview in my series talking with women who have dealt with or are dealing with fertility struggles, how appropriate that we end with my friend Sara, my first friend who was open about her struggles when we met about 14 years ago. Thank you Sara for sharing now, as you did then, so that we can develop an open and honest culture around our struggles.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

I had bone cancer as a child and was told early on that there was only a small chance I'd ever be able to conceive. We tried for four or five years before we went to the fertility clinic to see if there was any help available. I had to go off of all my hormones for 2 months to see what my body was making it on it's own. That's when they figured out that I'm post menopausal. My ovaries are like that of a 70 or 80 year old woman. My eggs are so old they can't be fertile. Two months of hot flashes and bitchiness to find that out. The only way possible would be with donor eggs, which, in my mind, defeated the purpose.

I mourned for a long time about that. For a long time I was bitter towards anyone who complained about being pregnant; pregnant teens who 'accidentally' got pregnant; super fertile woman who had to double up on contraceptives; and anyone who was bold enough to spout off about getting an abortion.
I had to come to terms with letting go of my bitterness. I was still sad all the time.

Where are you at in your journey today?

Since adopting our daughter my sorrow has dissipated. It hits me a little bit from time to time. But over the last couple of years I have been seeing how God's planning has been in all of this. We didn't know about my heart condition until 6 years ago, and didn't know until the last year or so that it was caused by the chemotherapy I was on as a child. Heart failure caused by that particular chemo doesn't show up for 20 to 30 years down the road. If I had gotten pregnant it would quite possibly been too much for my heart and been fatal for both me and the child. Being able to recognize this has been helpful for letting go of the wishing it might still happen. It's still a little sad to know that we won't have any biological descendants, but it's never overwhelming anymore.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

People thinking it's a lack of sex/mojo that it behind our inability to conceive. Tall boots and a kinky outfit ain't going to make my ovaries go back in time!! Also, my husband is VERY attracted to me and has no problems in the "wanting" me department.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

My husband Jason has been super supportive of everything. He has never been tied to passing on his DNA I suppose. And he loves all babies, so accepting adoption was a no-brainer for him.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

For 10 years people who didn't know would ask when we were planning on 'starting a family'. I just got really vocal about answering honestly. Friends of mine would ask "Why? Do you want to help?" That answer made me laugh. Also, the popular April Fools' joke about being pregnant. NOT COOL!!

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

I suppose my biggest struggle was with trusting God and not losing hope that there was a plan.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

My biggest surprise was with the intense joy that adoption brought to my life.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The fertility struggle has always been tied up with my other health struggles (of which I have a number), so it's hard to say what my highs and lows have been with fertility or what I've done to cope. I've been a roller coaster. There are times when I want to give up completely. More often I just pushed through life. My relief came when I decided to no longer wear a mask but be open and honest with anyone and everyone about how I'm doing and where I'm at with God. Also being honest with God, recognizing that God is big enough to take my ranting and anger and doubts and still love me in the end!! People would be well meaning and tell me to read my Bible and pray, but I was unable to do those things at my lowest. I didn't ever give in to abandoning my communities of faith, but allowed them to help carry my burdens. I felt guilty about it at first until I was made aware of how my honesty was helping to strengthen the faith of others.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Worst advice? See above.... (kinky boots) Best advice? My husband telling me not to worry about a need for him to carry forward his genetics, because he didn't. And his assurance that our parents would be as thrilled with an adopted grandchild as a biological one.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Other women need to know that they are not alone. And there is no failure in not being able to conceive. Everything you feel and how you want to react is completely legitimate. No one can tell you how to cope. You have to find that on your own. But being silent and hiding your struggle WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Stigmas are around because people don't understand. People don't understand because they don't know anything. If we are open and honest it helps all the other women who struggle because we will help end the stigma by process of education. It also helps end the loneliness because then we know who our community is.

Would you have done anything differently?

We would have started working on adoption sooner if we knew then what we know now.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
Jason and Zoe (our daughter) are my biggest encouragers. They both love me just the way I am and Zoe's curiosity about my situation and how we deal is fantastic. She isn't afraid to talk to others and explain adoption to them, which is fantastic!

Infertility Interview #5 - Meet Charis

I love reuniting with old friends, and Charis was one of those great reunions a few years ago. God has a surprising way of reuniting people who suddenly have even more in common now than when you were originally friends, and I've been blessed to stay in touch with her and share those 'me too' moments with someone who just gets it. Thank you Charis for choosing to share your story and allowing your experience to help others!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

We have been trying for 5 years. We still aren't totally sure what the issue is but we know lots of things that aren't!

Where are you at in your journey today?

Physically, we are under care of Heartland Fertility Clinic in the process of determining the barrier to our fertility. Most tests have come back normal and the non-normal ones don't seem to have anyone too concerned. Spiritually, we have confidence in the words and dreams we (and friends/family) have had that we will be parents and so we rest in that. Not that there is NO anxiety or impatience but, as God reminded me not too long ago, He not only knows the plan He has for me but also the plan He has for my kid(s). If I'm not preggers then the birthday He has picked out for my kid isn't 40 weeks from now...yet.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

That I must be devastated when friends tell me they are expecting. I have a hard time going to baby showers (I send gifts but don't go) but I am genuinely happy for my friends who get pregnant. I can hold joy in my heart for them even when I still am sad for my own wait.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

We made the choice before we got married that we want to adopt at some point. We always said that we want to be parents, not that we want to be pregnant. Pregnancy would be awesome but that is not our end goal. We both cope in a similar manner but we find that we have opposite good and bad days. So when I'm internalising and having a cry-fest he supports me. It never feels like patronising though because when he's internalising and dealing with things, I get to support him. We have both passed pretty much all our tests so there isn't "blame". We do find that we need to remind each other of that often though. That we are both apparently fertile, just not together at this point.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

As a pastors wife I feel that the Christian world is more difficult for me to fit in. No one knows what to do with a pastors wife who isn't a newlywed nor a mother. I get lumped with women 10-15 years my junior at events and there are no devotionals that deal with being a Godly woman without bringing in kids and family dynamics. I find that secular life is easier for me to be my true (currently childless) self in without making other people uncomfortable with my lack.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

The emotional roller coaster. I've had to struggle to stay in my "numb" space so I don't get overly happy/anxious/etc when I'm a day late.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

That I could find a "numb" space. And also how many of my friends from high school have had this same journey.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Mostly. Spiritually, yes. Emotionally, yes for the past 3 years but not before that. Physically....it's a struggle. Kinda doesn't feel like there's a purpose to that some days.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The toughest time was about 8 months in to trying when we realised this would be a struggle. I was also dealing with some pretty brutal general anxiety and hubby was working 18 hour days so I spent a lot of time crying and yelling at God. That's when He started talking to me and giving me dreams and sending me friends with specific words of encouragement.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Best= you are already a parent in your heart. Live like it. Be aware of how you live so that when you bring a child (bio or adopted) into your home, you don't have to change everything. 

Worst= just relax and don't think about it too much. It'll happen when your body is ready. Relax? Don't think about it!!??? That's like telling a kid to not think about the fresh hot cookies that you just out on the table! They can't think of anything else now that you've mentioned it!

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Relax and don't stress about it.

Acknowledge what you can and cannot control. Take responsibility for the things within your control and find a way to release responsibility for the things that are outside of what you can manage. The stress of trying to control things that aren't yours to control will add barriers to your journey.

Would you have done anything differently?

Maybe not tried so hard to prevent pregnancy for the first 10 years of our marriage. Not really though. We both worked 60-80 hour weeks at jobs that we enjoyed during our 20's and early 30's. We chose that life even though we knew that we might have to wait a bit longer for kids later due to age. We never expected an extra 5-6 year wait but we weren't naive in our choice.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?

Friends who support us through prayer.

Infertility Interview #4 - Meet Kristy

I am blessed that Kristy and I share the same desire to walk alongside other women so that no one ever has to feel the loneliness we both faced respectively. We met because we wanted to use our experiences to support other women and now we share an online Facebook support group for those facing fertility struggles, called Faith-Filled Fertility. I am so encouraged by your story and by your passion Kristy, thank you for sharing!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?
We have the famous ‘unexplained’ label which was the worst part. It was hard to fully grieve and have finality when there was always a chance. We were married for 10 years before we became parents through the miracle of adoption. I don’t know if I can mark the exact dates of ‘trying’ per say, as I still technically deal with infertility. We have now been married for 14 years and have two kids through adoption.

Where are you at in your journey today?
I love being a mom to my two miracles. I definitely had to walk through a real grieving process before I got the point of choosing adoption. It’s something that I had to walk through for me and for my children. I didn’t want adoption to be my ‘second’ choice, but my first – so I had to grieve the loss of biology and experiencing pregnancy. I would still love more children, but would at this point, rather adopt than conceive… crazy to hear myself say that now… it’s been a long journey, but God is so good. He has worked very hard to heal those places. It isn’t always easy. I struggle with not having a ‘choice’ to grow our family – adoption is NOT easy and NOT guaranteed. As well as missing out on the first part of my kids lives.. that was tough too. I still feel a little bit of something, I don’t know, maybe it’s longing, when I see pregnant ladies and newborns. It is something I live with – infertility, but it no longer defines me the way it did in those dark years. It is something that God can now use in me to reach out and support others. It has changed me, but for the good.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?
The hardest is being so misunderstood. I sometimes wished for a broken arm, an outside pain or hurt – just so others could relate, or offer their sympathies. It wasn’t a ‘real’ loss to the people around me. It was something to ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from. That was so painful.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?
We went through a really tough time. When I was in the depths of the grieving, he was just trying to ‘make it better’, but couldn’t. We really needed help at that point. We did go to counseling. I’m proud of that and not ashamed to shout it from a mountain top... if you are going through a hard thing – GO TO COUNSELING! It rocks!!! Communicate!!! Read books about it together so that he can understand the woman’s side from other sources other than his crazy wifeJ Find someone for your husband to talk/relate too. (Mine is always open to chat and support!) and continue to just take days OFF – just do fun stuff that makes you laugh!

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?
I guess the whole ‘woman’ thing. Just not always feeling like a ‘real’ woman because my body didn’t do what it was supposed too. That my kids are any less mine because they didn’t grow in my belly, but in my heart instead. So much is geared towards ‘normal’ families, that sometimes we feel left out. But we know that God knows, He created me to be who I am and is using me just the way I am. I am no less and neither are my kids any less wholly mine.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?
The unknown. Fear that I would never be a mom. As well as little by little my world got smaller and smaller. Everyone around us had growing families and started moving on with life. It was a very lonely time.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?
The new friends and relationships along the way. We have ‘infertility’ friends, which really become the deepest of friendships as you journey together, learn, cry and celebrate together. We also have our ‘adoption’ and ‘foster’ friend circle too. And most of all the kids that God gifted us with.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
Go learn something new. I took photography courses, had creative nights (oh how I miss those nights … ha ha) Do things you love. Serve. Go deeper with God.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
The hardest part of it all was the ‘unexplained’ and that nothing we tried worked. Going through all of the testing, surgeries and sitting in fertility clinics only brought me deeper and deeper into darkness and hopelessness. It was an extremely excruciating and desperate time in my life. Every month I felt like my dream of becoming a mom was being crushed. I felt real loss every month, even though I never had a ‘tangible’ loss. It was so lonely and isolating. It is one of the reasons I want to speak out today, because I don’t ever want another woman walking the journey to ever feel alone.

What was the best and worst advice you received?
I think if it was advice... it just stung. But anyone who sympathized, prayed and offered a shoulder was so appreciated. The best was always someone who had walked it, but I did have friends who could just listen and empathize. They didn’t have to fully understand the journey, but just acknowledge the pain, and that was a true blessing to me.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?
You are NOT alone! Call me. We will go for coffee. I will give you my e-mail. We will do this as a community. HUGS!

Would you have done anything differently?
Yes. And No. ha ha. It’s hard to say. In one sense I know that I couldn’t have moved through the grieving any faster, but if I knew the other side I wouldn’t have gone so crazy. I usually say it’s not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy nor is it a journey that I would prevent from my best friend. When you can feel the deepest pain, you can also experience the greatest joy. There is NOTHING like stepping off of a plane with a child you waited and prayed for, for YEARS. NOTHING. It made me who I am and my family looks the way it does because of it. Hard. Yes. Never want to do that again. Oh yeah. But change it? Nope.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
My amazing Jesus. His goodness, His new mercies, His redemptive power. AND. Meeting other strong, courageous, beautiful, wonderfully made, amazing women who have not only survived through this journey, but thrived. Who have not moved ON, but moved forward with grace, dignity and boldness. Being understood and giving understanding. I love all of you!