What is old anyway?

So....it's official.  I will not be having a baby before my 40th birthday.  Well, that is aside from a potential, drastic miracle from God, which can never be ruled out. But logically, realistically, naturally, if I am ever a mother it will be a 40+ year old mother.

Today, 35 weeks away from my 40th birthday, I am not taking it that hard.  I imagine there will be moments between now and then that are much more filled with grief.  I've already been wrestling for 6 months about the idea of being an 'old' mom, it started just before my 39th birthday.  I struggle with likelihood statistics and the idea that even IF I get pregnant today, I'll be 50 when my child is 10, 60 when they are 20, etc. Quite frankly I am daunted by the math.

As I deal with my own parents entering their seventies, and watching the aging process become more evident, I hate the idea my children might have to deal with these same issues at a much younger age. Yet, on my 39th birthday I made peace with it being God's plan.  40 years ago my parents would have been considered 'old' parents, and He planned that I would have 'old' parents.  And if I am having children at all, it is His plan that my children will also have 'old' parents as well, with all that entails.

I had lunch with my dad the other day, and even while he sees the decline in independence with the increasing age of his friends and family, he is still very resistant to the idea his age changes his abilities.  He still thinks he's 'young enough'.  One could argue in some aspects he is, he was playing volleyball over the September long weekend with family who were mostly half his age or younger.  In other ways my sisters and I noticed aging we had never been aware of before.  In ways I know he doesn't see.

I wonder what I don't see. I wonder when I will be fully aware of the limits of my physical age when it comes to motherhood, when I'll be able to admit my ability to have a baby is not possible anymore. In my mind and heart I still feel so young! I still think of myself as 30-ish. In my body, not so much. But for now I still see myself as young enough.

My husband and I talk about this about once a year, and again this year we determined we don't feel like it's time to declare we are too old yet.  Not even anticipating the impending 40 year mark for me. Maybe the 40 year mark for him, that's another 4 years away. Who knows what 4 years will bring!  5 years ago I was 18 months into my break from 'trying', still thinking it wasn't ever going to happen, but then suddenly a few months later God changed my perspective and Sean's heart, and here we are, still hanging on to the dream. In some ways we are holding on to it much differently, in other ways I've been still been holding on to it too tightly.  But that is for another post.

For now, I just try to make peace with it and not get caught up in numbers, if we are blessed with children, I know God will make us all capable of dealing with the journey, regardless of the math.