changing PMS symptoms.
had the same symptoms for years, went off the pill, now the symptoms change like every 6-8 months.
really?
like waiting isn't torturous enough, now we have to figure out if the new 'signs' mean anything?
they didn't.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
One person's back breaker is another person's back bone
There are women, and most likely men, losing their faith because they don't understand how the God of their faith could allow for them not to be parents, especially in the face of all those who do receive children and are inflicting abuse and death on children all over our world.
And I wonder, why my faith has been strengthened rather than torn apart?
Well, if there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.
I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, and many others around me are putting him in that box too, but really I don’t deserve anything.
I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and other TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.
There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand, or like, what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not). He just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.
I have finally come to a place where I treasure the relationship I have formed with God more than I treasure children. Certainly, 5 years ago, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, my treasure was having children, above God, above my husband. But no man can serve two masters, for all the love and devotion I placed on having children, it spawned despisment for all the moments God or my husband asked for something opposing. What an aweful thing to say, but it is true. Infertility is the best thing that could have happened for my faith, and therefore my marriage.
But why?
With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me, first in unrelated anxiety, but then in the anxiousness of a dying dream. And God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, the more I petition him in prayer the more peace I have that passes my understanding. And not only is it the kind of peace that is "an irrational sense of emotional calm", it really does surpass understanding, I find I no longer have the need to understand. It's not that I think ignorance is bliss, but when God chooses not to reveal the answers to me that I seek, then I just rest in my trust in my God. It is I who is in a box, with limits on my understanding and reach and power, not God.
And I wonder, why my faith has been strengthened rather than torn apart?
Well, if there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.
I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, and many others around me are putting him in that box too, but really I don’t deserve anything.
I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and other TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.
There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand, or like, what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not). He just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.
I have finally come to a place where I treasure the relationship I have formed with God more than I treasure children. Certainly, 5 years ago, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, my treasure was having children, above God, above my husband. But no man can serve two masters, for all the love and devotion I placed on having children, it spawned despisment for all the moments God or my husband asked for something opposing. What an aweful thing to say, but it is true. Infertility is the best thing that could have happened for my faith, and therefore my marriage.
But why?
With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me, first in unrelated anxiety, but then in the anxiousness of a dying dream. And God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, the more I petition him in prayer the more peace I have that passes my understanding. And not only is it the kind of peace that is "an irrational sense of emotional calm", it really does surpass understanding, I find I no longer have the need to understand. It's not that I think ignorance is bliss, but when God chooses not to reveal the answers to me that I seek, then I just rest in my trust in my God. It is I who is in a box, with limits on my understanding and reach and power, not God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)