What hurts the most

Having a sister who is going through what I am has never been as comforting as it is today. Because my other sister has announced she's pregnant with her third child at our Christmas gathering today. The same day, two weeks earlier, I hoped I'd get to be the one to say those words. And what hurt the most, was for her to say, 'you two only have until March to get pregnant if you want to have kids the same year as my last'. As if it's all up to us. I came very close to bitterly spitting out the lie, "I lost a baby 2 weeks ago", knowing it was probably not true. But it could be. And then maybe she'd see this is not a subject she can so flippantly comment on. Especially considering there are two of us. Two people she obviously didn't see hurting. We weren't sure how it could be missed, times two. But it was.
The saddest part is it took all the joy away from the fact we were going to be aunts again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

So, good news, I got my referral to the fertility clinic. All I have to do is wait for them to contact me with an appointment. They have no idea how long that will take, but it took my sister about a month. It's easier to wait with time frames.
Bad news, I still need the fertility clinic appointment because after another 4 days (so, 12 in total) of being late I got my period. Longest late period yet, and so of course, the most hope I've had built up yet. Of course by day 10 (even with a negative test on day 8) I am imagining getting to tell all of our family at Christmas in some silly 'gift' gag that suprises them with the news. I'm imagining a baby being born close to my birthday, what a perfect gift that would be.
I let myself get far too carried away. Will I ever learn? The pain and bitterness inside me are ugly. I can get rid of it much faster now but it is still not fun.
No tests until 15 days. Seriously this time, I just can't take it anymore.

One giant leap for mother-kind

Finally, the day of my appointment! I know I won't really be getting any answers today, but it's the next step to getting some answers. Today I will only get a referral to the fertility clinic in our city, provided the 'substitute' doctor can glean enough information from my file and myself to warrant that referral.
Oh, and guess what? I'm also 8 days late. With a negative test. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help it, I listened to 'people' who say, once you have the doctor's appointment you end up pregnant. Yeah, yeah. Will I ever learn.

The Waiting Game

After about 6 months I've made peace with the fact I have no regular cycle, so no regular ovulation. I'm very eager to have my doctor's appointment to figure out why and if it can be 'fixed'. Unfortunately, the doctor is apparently not so eager to see me. He's decided to retire and the 'substitute' doctor is only part time so my appointment which was supposed to be today is now postponed until December 4th.
Oh joy. More waiting. I've barely made it this long, I've been counting down for awhile now. But I also realize I have found a lot of peace in the last few months. God hasn't told me that I am not going to be a mother, He allows me to hope and plan and try without showing me any reason not to. I just have to continue to learn, it's all in His hands. That may be the whole reason I have to wait so long to be a mother....to learn that very valuable lesson. And to learn not to be offended by God's choice to teach me that lesson anyway He sees fit, because He knows what it will take for me to learn it. I'm even learning to be grateful to Him for that. I haven't mastered that gratefulness, but I am learning.

Resuming the pursuit

I haven't written in awhile, with my truth mission consuming most of my time and energy (along with starting a new job, the other one proved to be just too stressful...not good for health or baby making). It's amazing what a journey of healing telling the truth can be. I'm finally feeling emotions I've never been able to really feel, and my relationships have become so wonderfully supportive, encouraging, strengthening, uplifting.
It was also actually a nice break from not thinking about trying to get pregnant. I think that was healing as well, not being consumed with lack of control, with heartache, with impatience, with the desire to go to any lengths while hubby was still not ready for that step. It's helped me re-focus that neither he nor I have control of the situation, we might get pregnant tomorrow which still feels a little too soon to hubby, and we may not get pregnant ever which I have had to learn to come to terms with. Only God is in control. Only God can remove whatever obstacle is in our way, and only when and if He wants to remove it. It's not worth worrying about, or attempting to control, it only creates a lot more grief for us.
But I am still chasing that dream. Being a mother still is the closest thing to heaven I can imagine. And as much as I'm not in control, there are still tools God has given us to help us along. Like doctors. It's been a year and a half of trying now, it's probably about time we look to doctors to help us figure out if something physical is an issue. If it is, then it's up to God to show us how to fix it, but we can at least find out if that's the case. I made an appointment to see the doctor, but the earliest I could get an appointment was November! If nothing else, God is certainly teaching me patience.

Looking for answers in all the right places

The retreat I mentioned in November has unpackaged more pain than originally thought, and in my search for answers about motherhood, I have found it overlapping with my search for healing from my past. Is there something I haven't done yet, something I haven't resolved, that is interfering? What does God want from me in order to allow me to get pregnant. I feel less and less like there is anything biologically wrong but maybe that's just my resentment speaking. I really don't know.
I do know there is something I haven't done, somethings I haven't resolved. I haven't been truthful with most people in my life about my past and I know now I need to tell them the truth. Not only to help me heal, to allow more real, honest and healthy relationships with my loved ones, and to get rid of the power satan has over me because of my secrets, but also because I've always wanted to use what I've learned to help my children not make the same mistakes. How can I tell them and not tell anyone else. And how can I expect them to learn from me when I haven't fully learned all the lessons myself as long as I'm holding on to my secrets.
So, for me and for my future children, I'm embarking on a truth mission, to tell everyone who knew me when my secret happened, who was affected by my life back then, and also to tell new friends, and help other people learn from my mistakes.
Maybe along this truth mission I will find some answers about my fertility as well.

Hope is lost and hope is found

Do I dare? Oh yes, I do. I take a test on the 7th day, even after saying I wouldn't until the 8th. It's negative of course. As it is on the 8th day. And then the rest goes a little something like what happened in September. Heartache and confusion and frustration and sadness. I am really beginning to wonder why? I feel a little toyed with, like if I'm not going to be pregnant, don't allow me to hope for 7 days, or 3 or even 1. What's the point? I'm just learning to despise hope.
But not for long. The hope returns.
Here's a poem I wrote after this second 'loss' for lack of a better word.

With every other beat, my heart is rushed with hope
In my blood, the desire is entwined with life
There’s no restraining desire’s flow
So I suppress the hope, the double-edged sword
Seeking out validation, wanting hope to be warranted
And the signs found me waiting, trusting
Each an inflating breathe, lifting the hope higher
My dreams becoming heavy with expectation
But I put my faith in familiarity, forgetting
The creator of law is not controlled by law
So my deflating heart rapidly descends,
The weight of reality falls, crushing me
Paralyzing pain and sobs restrict my breathe
Until I succumb to instincts, pulling in air
And strength. Strength to move past
But lacking the courage to wield hope again
Yet the desire in me won’t relinquish to fear
It still holds faith tightly in its grasp
And with another beat, my heart is rushed with hope

To be concerned or not to be concerned

It's been a year, just barely over a year since we've officially been trying to get pregnant. We've hit the year mark. The mark where we can now become officially concerned that we're not pregnant. Surprisingly, I am not as concerned as I thought I would be a year ago. That might have something to do with the fact I'm a day late. Believe me, I have learned not to even get excited for at least 7 more days, but I can't help but hope. Hope is something I just can't shake, even when it hurts and I want to be rid of it. Hope is just too much a part of me.
The other reason I'm may not be that concerned is because of my life right now. I'm very busy with my new job in payroll. It's good so far but I feel like I'm just not the same type of worker as my fellow employees, they seem to think working unnecessary overtime is a sign of a good employee. I'm not willing to do that, even if children are never part of my future, I don't want to live to work, I want to work to live. Well, in this kind of job maybe, if I was self-employed it might be different.
The other thing I'm trying to concentrate on is losing weight again. Through the stresses of the last year I have gained the 15 lbs I lost back. It's a stop/start enterprise, because everytime I think I might be pregnant I halt dieting, not wanting to harm a baby with a lack of nutrients. I know I can't keep doing this because I really do need to lose the weight, I just need to buckle down and stop allowing myself to sabatoge myself when I know I don't have a real basis for quitting.