The retreat I mentioned in November has unpackaged more pain than originally thought, and in my search for answers about motherhood, I have found it overlapping with my search for healing from my past. Is there something I haven't done yet, something I haven't resolved, that is interfering? What does God want from me in order to allow me to get pregnant. I feel less and less like there is anything biologically wrong but maybe that's just my resentment speaking. I really don't know.
I do know there is something I haven't done, somethings I haven't resolved. I haven't been truthful with most people in my life about my past and I know now I need to tell them the truth. Not only to help me heal, to allow more real, honest and healthy relationships with my loved ones, and to get rid of the power satan has over me because of my secrets, but also because I've always wanted to use what I've learned to help my children not make the same mistakes. How can I tell them and not tell anyone else. And how can I expect them to learn from me when I haven't fully learned all the lessons myself as long as I'm holding on to my secrets.
So, for me and for my future children, I'm embarking on a truth mission, to tell everyone who knew me when my secret happened, who was affected by my life back then, and also to tell new friends, and help other people learn from my mistakes.
Maybe along this truth mission I will find some answers about my fertility as well.
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