Let it go

I mentioned in my last post, we've been 'holding on to the dream' of children differently since starting to try again almost 5 years ago, now we hold it with more trust of God's will.   Yet I have moments of still holding on too tightly, it's been an internal battle fighting that voice of entitlement that can rise up in me sometimes.

The last few months I have sensed God telling me to let it go.  This is different than the last time I 'let it go' because, that was all my choice, and that was more of a 'let it be gone.'

I don't sense that He's saying no, just saying 'let it go', uncurl my fingers wrapped around it and release it to God.  I sense He is trying to empty this from my hands so that He can place something new there, and that He will still be holding our dream in His hands for the time being.

And with that, He's shown me other parts of my life where I have to let my fertility journey go as well. Trying to help other women in similar circumstances to me has meant thinking about infertility on a regular basis, and I can't separate those efforts from thinking about how it affects me, and the constant focus makes it very difficult to be in 'let it go' mode.

So, at this point in time, I am stepping back from this platform of sharing this journey.  As with any journey, you just never know where it's going to take you or when/if you'll be back, but I've loved my time here and a piece of my heart will always belong here.

What is old anyway?

So....it's official.  I will not be having a baby before my 40th birthday.  Well, that is aside from a potential, drastic miracle from God, which can never be ruled out. But logically, realistically, naturally, if I am ever a mother it will be a 40+ year old mother.

Today, 35 weeks away from my 40th birthday, I am not taking it that hard.  I imagine there will be moments between now and then that are much more filled with grief.  I've already been wrestling for 6 months about the idea of being an 'old' mom, it started just before my 39th birthday.  I struggle with likelihood statistics and the idea that even IF I get pregnant today, I'll be 50 when my child is 10, 60 when they are 20, etc. Quite frankly I am daunted by the math.

As I deal with my own parents entering their seventies, and watching the aging process become more evident, I hate the idea my children might have to deal with these same issues at a much younger age. Yet, on my 39th birthday I made peace with it being God's plan.  40 years ago my parents would have been considered 'old' parents, and He planned that I would have 'old' parents.  And if I am having children at all, it is His plan that my children will also have 'old' parents as well, with all that entails.

I had lunch with my dad the other day, and even while he sees the decline in independence with the increasing age of his friends and family, he is still very resistant to the idea his age changes his abilities.  He still thinks he's 'young enough'.  One could argue in some aspects he is, he was playing volleyball over the September long weekend with family who were mostly half his age or younger.  In other ways my sisters and I noticed aging we had never been aware of before.  In ways I know he doesn't see.

I wonder what I don't see. I wonder when I will be fully aware of the limits of my physical age when it comes to motherhood, when I'll be able to admit my ability to have a baby is not possible anymore. In my mind and heart I still feel so young! I still think of myself as 30-ish. In my body, not so much. But for now I still see myself as young enough.

My husband and I talk about this about once a year, and again this year we determined we don't feel like it's time to declare we are too old yet.  Not even anticipating the impending 40 year mark for me. Maybe the 40 year mark for him, that's another 4 years away. Who knows what 4 years will bring!  5 years ago I was 18 months into my break from 'trying', still thinking it wasn't ever going to happen, but then suddenly a few months later God changed my perspective and Sean's heart, and here we are, still hanging on to the dream. In some ways we are holding on to it much differently, in other ways I've been still been holding on to it too tightly.  But that is for another post.

For now, I just try to make peace with it and not get caught up in numbers, if we are blessed with children, I know God will make us all capable of dealing with the journey, regardless of the math.

Storms vs Rainbows

I have been trying to practice more mindfulness lately, overall for the last few years, but intentionally being really 'in the moment' for the last few weeks. It's been getting easier and especially in moments I am enjoying, I stop and really try to absorb everything I am enjoying about that moment. Really having moments of bliss!

Like last night, because I am a sky addict, I love pretty much everything that happens in the sky, but especially light/dark contrast in clouds, doubly spectacular if it's storm clouds at dusk/sunset and lightening! The only thing I love more are perfect pink sunsets and rainbows (for many reasons, some of which I've mentioned here before). I was in awe and if I hadn't had a class I would have stood outside in the rain laced air all evening to enjoy it.  I soaked in the few minutes I got and went inside, and I noticed the peaceful and relaxed way I felt, which was notable considering I had to give a presentation that evening and I dislike class presentations!

So, later I get home, I unwind with a quick scroll through Facebook and I see someone's photo of a rainbow, and then someone else's photo of a double rainbow! 'Really?!' I thought.  I missed out on rainbows?! Double rainbows!! But interestingly, immediately I realized something, and knew instantly it was a lesson to carry over to my fertility,  and life in general. I can get caught up thinking I am missing out on my idea of ideal, focusing on the unfairness that someone else got it and I didn't, when it means so much to me. That feeling of missing out almost caused me to diminish the BEAUTIFUL sky I did get the blessing of enjoying!  Metaphorically, we're told to tolerate the storm because a rainbow will follow, and I did more than just tolerate, I reveled in the storm, without even expecting a rainbow! The sky I witnessed was inspiring and gave me a few moments of healing, no less than a rainbow would have done. It made me wonder, how many spectacular moments have I diminished in my life because it wasn't a baby, or something else I dream of?

Part of my desire to increase my mindfulness is to be more aware of how much I am blessed, to increase how much I recognize grace in my life, to increase joy. This is a good place to start, understanding those moments won't always look like typical blessings,  but that doesn't lessen the healing and joy I can receive from them, if only I will recognize them for what they are.

I hope you dance

I had a moment yesterday. I haven't had one in a long time. Actually, almost exactly a year ago. Not sure what it is about March but this has happened during several of the ten March's I've been waiting through.

It was a moment where I just doubted I'd ever be pregnant. If I truly believe all that God has led me to understand, I shouldn't doubt, but yesterday I couldn't shake the thought...."well, He's never outright promised me anything". And it's probably the hormones talking, because it's that time of the month. And it's probably because my best friend just told me she's pregnant again. And it's probably because I was really hoping to hold my niece for the first time this weekend (she decided she didn't want to make her entrance into the world yet). And none of those things upset me at all, two of them bring me great joy!

Yet, there I was, crying in my car while running errands. Just because the doubt decided to hit me extra hard. I was mad at myself for doubting, I had gotten so good at recognizing how it creeps in and discourages, and I can combat it quite well now. Something God showed me last March during this same battle. He showed me I've been doing such a good job of keeping my eyes on Him, and trusting Him regardless. He showed me He invited me to walk with Him on the waves, not just walk but dance, and that we were! But He's been more silent than usual lately, and a different mothering path has ping'd, far off but still on my radar. And I wonder if He's holding back the truth, that that is my path and I won't get to be pregnant after all. I was torn, between prematurely mourning and shutting up this discouraging voice in my head.

By the time I hopped back in my car last night after errands, I was tired of the heaviness and turned on the radio, channel hopping to find a non-depressing song to listen to, which took almost a full minute, when I heard the familiar chords of a fun song I love. The first words I heard struck like a gong in my chest, and I teared up again, but this time because of God's amazing grace. This song isn't even remotely a song about Jesus, but it spoke something to me what Jesus has told me before:

"Oh don't you dare look back,
just keep your eyes on me"
I said, "You're holding back!"
(s)he said, "Shut up and dance with me!"

Trusting can be oh so hard some days, and on those days it is very hard to be re-directed, to get no answers, to be told to 'just trust'. But, turns out, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed the reminder that Jesus is in these waves with me, and I can fret and sink or I can keep my eyes on Him and dance.

Psalm 30:11 - You have turned my mourning into dancing.