Well, I was fired today. Technically 'laid off' due to performance, which if I wanted to prove as bull I could, but the admission of guilt on their part in the form of a very nice severance package is keeping me at bay. It's so nice in fact that I probably couldn't get any more if I sued for wrongful dismissal anyway.
And it's a relief to be out of that stressful job. It has been way too much of a stress for just over a year now, I am the fourth out of our great group of five to leave under bad circumstances, and as much as I wanted to leave that place through the benefit of maternity leave, it is just not worth it. Although, I feel like I've wasted the last year of my life, keeping this stinking but well paying job, holding out so that I could get great pregnancy benefits and now I don't even get that. At least I got that extra time with my great co-workers (not great bosses, let me clarify).
And now the wonderful 'life evaluating' period, trying to figure out a new job while balancing paying the bills, potentially close pregnancy, or potentially never going to get pregnant. Fun.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sharing
I've realized that although I am not alone in this, because hubby is here for me, it's just not the same not having a woman to share things with, to bounce thoughts and worries off of that probably only us women fret about.
I spilled the beans. First to a close co-worker who I knew would be discreet, and understanding since she had two grown children of her own. I had to tell! Work got even more stressful on Tuesday and escalated through the week, I was bursting with emotions and I needed an outlet. What a release, and it eased my mind a lot. I was finally able to let go of the desire to rehash the possibilities and move forward.
I also had lunch with my sister, a surprise visit from her between classes, and I found out that she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant since the July prior to us starting to try, and they had also been keeping it a secret! It was wonderful to find someone, especially my own sister, who was in the same boat as us! Everything I mentioned she had also felt and feared and fretted over. She had an even more unstable cycle than me, waiting months between instead of mere days. It was a reminder that I wasn't in the worst position possible, but also it was a great encouragement that I now had someone to go through this unique journey with.
Up until that moment I had only known 2 female friends who hadn't been able to get pregnant, neither of which I had a close relationship with anymore. I had been beginning to feel like there is a very real possibility this could get even more difficult, that I may not get the 'normal' experience most women I know did, that I would have a very isolated experience. It became of great comfort to share it with my sister.
I spilled the beans. First to a close co-worker who I knew would be discreet, and understanding since she had two grown children of her own. I had to tell! Work got even more stressful on Tuesday and escalated through the week, I was bursting with emotions and I needed an outlet. What a release, and it eased my mind a lot. I was finally able to let go of the desire to rehash the possibilities and move forward.
I also had lunch with my sister, a surprise visit from her between classes, and I found out that she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant since the July prior to us starting to try, and they had also been keeping it a secret! It was wonderful to find someone, especially my own sister, who was in the same boat as us! Everything I mentioned she had also felt and feared and fretted over. She had an even more unstable cycle than me, waiting months between instead of mere days. It was a reminder that I wasn't in the worst position possible, but also it was a great encouragement that I now had someone to go through this unique journey with.
Up until that moment I had only known 2 female friends who hadn't been able to get pregnant, neither of which I had a close relationship with anymore. I had been beginning to feel like there is a very real possibility this could get even more difficult, that I may not get the 'normal' experience most women I know did, that I would have a very isolated experience. It became of great comfort to share it with my sister.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Not sure what to think
September 5th - end of second day late, but this time I'll be patient, I'm going to wait one more day :)
September 6th - negative test
September 7th - another negative test (why do I torture myself?)
September 10th - I am 7 days late, a WHOLE week late.
Until at the end of the day I start bleeding heavily. Way more than I have since I was a teen. I know the tests said negative but could I have been pregnant and now am having a miscarriage?!? I hadn't even considered the possibility before now. I knew I could be in for a long wait like my mom, or not at all like my aunt, but losing a baby? I wasn't sure I could handle that. I call in sick to work. Work has been stressful enough lately, I didn't need this additional worry added to my plate, so I concentrated on the stress at hand and stayed home.
All the signs (those darn signs again!) seem to point strongly to the conclusion I've had a miscarriage. I am profoundly sad, and possibly bordering on depression, sinking into a quietness where my thoughts of pain, loss, confusion, uncertainty, rattle around my brain. And I can't even talk to anyone because the whole 'trying thing' is a secret. I have of course told hubby my worst fear, and he is understanding, but he's at a loss for words and isn't sure how to console me. Plus, if I'm not even sure, how can he have feelings one way or the other about it, other than being disappointed it's another month of not being pregnant. He tries to console me with a Dairy Queen blizzard, but that's good for only a few minutes of comfort and distraction. I didn't have anything concrete to grieve but grieving I was.
September 6th - negative test
September 7th - another negative test (why do I torture myself?)
September 10th - I am 7 days late, a WHOLE week late.
Until at the end of the day I start bleeding heavily. Way more than I have since I was a teen. I know the tests said negative but could I have been pregnant and now am having a miscarriage?!? I hadn't even considered the possibility before now. I knew I could be in for a long wait like my mom, or not at all like my aunt, but losing a baby? I wasn't sure I could handle that. I call in sick to work. Work has been stressful enough lately, I didn't need this additional worry added to my plate, so I concentrated on the stress at hand and stayed home.
All the signs (those darn signs again!) seem to point strongly to the conclusion I've had a miscarriage. I am profoundly sad, and possibly bordering on depression, sinking into a quietness where my thoughts of pain, loss, confusion, uncertainty, rattle around my brain. And I can't even talk to anyone because the whole 'trying thing' is a secret. I have of course told hubby my worst fear, and he is understanding, but he's at a loss for words and isn't sure how to console me. Plus, if I'm not even sure, how can he have feelings one way or the other about it, other than being disappointed it's another month of not being pregnant. He tries to console me with a Dairy Queen blizzard, but that's good for only a few minutes of comfort and distraction. I didn't have anything concrete to grieve but grieving I was.
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