I mentioned in my last post, we've been 'holding on to the dream' of children differently since starting to try again almost 5 years ago, now we hold it with more trust of God's will. Yet I have moments of still holding on too tightly, it's been an internal battle fighting that voice of entitlement that can rise up in me sometimes.
The last few months I have sensed God telling me to let it go. This is different than the last time I 'let it go' because, that was all my choice, and that was more of a 'let it be gone.'
I don't sense that He's saying no, just saying 'let it go', uncurl my fingers wrapped around it and release it to God. I sense He is trying to empty this from my hands so that He can place something new there, and that He will still be holding our dream in His hands for the time being.
And with that, He's shown me other parts of my life where I have to let my fertility journey go as well. Trying to help other women in similar circumstances to me has meant thinking about infertility on a regular basis, and I can't separate those efforts from thinking about how it affects me, and the constant focus makes it very difficult to be in 'let it go' mode.
So, at this point in time, I am stepping back from this platform of sharing this journey. As with any journey, you just never know where it's going to take you or when/if you'll be back, but I've loved my time here and a piece of my heart will always belong here.
