Busyness is such a great distraction. I don't have much of a problem with idle hands, for me it's an idle mind, if I have nothing pre-occupying my mind it DWELLS on mostly things I don't want to dwell on these days. But being tremendously busy has alleviated that for the last two months or so.
Work has been crazy busy. I was able to fly to Calgary for some more training which is always great but hectic. And then with hiring another admin person to train, yet take some of the load off, yet the load getting bigger because we have another admin! ACK! And then finally a vacation for a week. Then before you know it, it's Christmas season and present buying and parties and gatherings begin.
Finally I have a day to myself, to rest, to find peace, to find quiet, and reflect, and of course the mind starts to dwell. I realize it's now been 2 months of being regular (in the ovulation sense of the word), and knowing my exact ovulation day. Often I hear the advice (as you do SOOOO often in this position of being childless) that as soon as people have used an ovulation test and know their exact ovulation date, it's only a month or two before they get pregnant. Once again, I do not fall into the 'norm', whatever happens to everyone else doesn't happen to me.
I am beginning to hope more and more for the revelation of a purpose, any purpose, if I'm not to be a mother, what am I to do? What else am I built for, what other kind of 'heaven' can I chase? Could be I just want something to distract me from the dwelling.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Victory!
So, sometime in the last few weeks I've managed to hit 25 lbs lost!!! YAY ME! And for the first time in I can't remember how long, my cycle has naturally gone back to 28 days! I did it without the drugs! I even bought an ovulation test to celebrate, because now I should be able to figure out my ovulation date without spending money on 10 tests a month to narrow the date down.
I'm on cloud nine, feeling healthier than I have in a long time and finally feeling like I'm not hurting my own chances of having children. This is the last test (for me anyway) of whether this is a 'my body' thing, since all other fertility doctor tests have come back fine. One more battle won, it might mean winning the war....it might not. Only time will tell.
I'm on cloud nine, feeling healthier than I have in a long time and finally feeling like I'm not hurting my own chances of having children. This is the last test (for me anyway) of whether this is a 'my body' thing, since all other fertility doctor tests have come back fine. One more battle won, it might mean winning the war....it might not. Only time will tell.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Hope-control is not Hope-less
I was, unkindly, reminded that it's been over one year since I said I 'for sure' wanted to have a baby by now. I said that so many years ago, when the word 'sure' was still in my vocabulary. When ignorant and blunt, yet optomistic, statements weren't like a sucker punch in the gut. When I didn't have a three bedroom home that I had to fill with everything BUT what I wanted to fill it with.
By now, I've seriously considered I will never be a parent. I still haven't heard that concretely, but to be realistic it has to be something I grant as possible. Each day, it's more possible, and more likely.
Now is when I'm hearing more things like, 'don't say that, it WILL happen,' or, 'it happened to (fill in the blank) after 5 (or 7, or 10) years of trying, can't give up hope yet'. They obviously don't realize hope is harder to hold on to the longer you've been holding on to it. Of course I want to keep hoping, but it has to be a realistic hope. "You aren't giving up are you?" No, but I don't want to talk as if being barren is an impossibility. I don't want to talk about 'always being able to adopt'. People always seem to say the same things, as if the typical solutions apply to EVERY couple who can't have children on their own.
They don't know my husband's faith in himself as a father is completely tied to God providing us a child, not searching out one for ourselves. They don't know that I don't want to be an 'old' parent if I can help it. Even at the age of 31 I think I'm too young to lose a parent, yet my husband has already lost a parent to cancer, I don't want to increase the chance my children are going to lose us at far too young an age just because I wanted to have a child no matter how long it took. Not to mention the risks that presents to giving birth, and that child's health, if it happens naturally. They don't know that we're not willing to spend thousands of dollars on a chance, especially a chance that could either result in 6 children, or force abortion of 'extra' fertilized eggs.
We are willing to let God be in complete control of if and when and how we have a child, we're just waiting on Him. There is no 'for sure', there is no set path that we childless people can just follow. Our path is ours, and no one elses, we have to figure out our own balance of faith, hope and realism until the waiting is over.
By now, I've seriously considered I will never be a parent. I still haven't heard that concretely, but to be realistic it has to be something I grant as possible. Each day, it's more possible, and more likely.
Now is when I'm hearing more things like, 'don't say that, it WILL happen,' or, 'it happened to (fill in the blank) after 5 (or 7, or 10) years of trying, can't give up hope yet'. They obviously don't realize hope is harder to hold on to the longer you've been holding on to it. Of course I want to keep hoping, but it has to be a realistic hope. "You aren't giving up are you?" No, but I don't want to talk as if being barren is an impossibility. I don't want to talk about 'always being able to adopt'. People always seem to say the same things, as if the typical solutions apply to EVERY couple who can't have children on their own.
They don't know my husband's faith in himself as a father is completely tied to God providing us a child, not searching out one for ourselves. They don't know that I don't want to be an 'old' parent if I can help it. Even at the age of 31 I think I'm too young to lose a parent, yet my husband has already lost a parent to cancer, I don't want to increase the chance my children are going to lose us at far too young an age just because I wanted to have a child no matter how long it took. Not to mention the risks that presents to giving birth, and that child's health, if it happens naturally. They don't know that we're not willing to spend thousands of dollars on a chance, especially a chance that could either result in 6 children, or force abortion of 'extra' fertilized eggs.
We are willing to let God be in complete control of if and when and how we have a child, we're just waiting on Him. There is no 'for sure', there is no set path that we childless people can just follow. Our path is ours, and no one elses, we have to figure out our own balance of faith, hope and realism until the waiting is over.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Miracle of Life
On average only 60% of sperm have enough motility to make it to the fallopian tubes, out of a hundred million sperm only several dozen usually reach the egg.
The remaining sperm then have to be strong enough to try to fertilize the egg, which can take about an hour to permeate the eggs's membrane.
Then a fertilized egg has to move into the uterus and, IF that journey goes well, be implanted in the uterine wall, which only then makes the process of conception complete.
There is only a 20% average chance of becoming pregnant each cycle for women under 30, 12-14% chance per cycle for women between 30-34, and only 7-9% chance for women age 35-39.And that's only if you have the timing is right.
Ovulation is only a 24 hour window of fertility, but sperm can last about 5-6 days in the fallopian tubes, so a maximum 6 day opening to get pregnant, but on average only 48 hrs.
But conception doesn't guarentee a baby. It is estimated that 70% of fertilized eggs will miscarry before the 13th week, most of those happen shortly after implantation and cause bleeding around the same time as an expected period, or a slightly late period.
And the chance of miscarriage about doubles when a woman is over 35 years old.
So, for example, one year of trying for us is 12 attempts to get pregnant. Lets assume we get the timing right, out of those 12 attempts it is average for only 1.44 eggs to be fertilized (since I am over 30). And out of those 1.44 eggs fertilized it's likely only .43 will make it past the 4th week of pregnancy. And so for 3 years of trying, the probability has been that we've only had 1.29 chances for a successful pregnancy.
That's just averages, I could have better fertility than average, however, I do not. Take into consideration my family history; it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant, one of her sisters was unable to have children, and one of my dad's sisters were thought to not be able to have children but were able to have one, and then my sister, who is 5 years younger than me, has tried 6 months longer than us has also not been able to conceive.
Sometimes I need a reminder that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. If ever I needed proof, those statistics are it. To me it's a miracle anyone has children, yet there are women who madly defy these odds. Women who don't know anything about ovulation or timing are often the ones I hear saying holding hands with their husband gets them pregnant. Or women who are using birth control and that 1% (or less) chance happens to them. They are likely the reason we don't know the odds are so not in our favor. But now that there is science calculating averages of chances, for every woman bringing the average up there is one bringing it down. And what's staggaring is that the AVERAGE chances for pregnancy are so astronomically improbable, it only points to one conclusion....God is the only one who has ultimate control over who gets pregnant. Every baby is meant to be, and every barren woman is also meant to be.
The remaining sperm then have to be strong enough to try to fertilize the egg, which can take about an hour to permeate the eggs's membrane.
Then a fertilized egg has to move into the uterus and, IF that journey goes well, be implanted in the uterine wall, which only then makes the process of conception complete.
There is only a 20% average chance of becoming pregnant each cycle for women under 30, 12-14% chance per cycle for women between 30-34, and only 7-9% chance for women age 35-39.And that's only if you have the timing is right.
Ovulation is only a 24 hour window of fertility, but sperm can last about 5-6 days in the fallopian tubes, so a maximum 6 day opening to get pregnant, but on average only 48 hrs.
But conception doesn't guarentee a baby. It is estimated that 70% of fertilized eggs will miscarry before the 13th week, most of those happen shortly after implantation and cause bleeding around the same time as an expected period, or a slightly late period.
And the chance of miscarriage about doubles when a woman is over 35 years old.
So, for example, one year of trying for us is 12 attempts to get pregnant. Lets assume we get the timing right, out of those 12 attempts it is average for only 1.44 eggs to be fertilized (since I am over 30). And out of those 1.44 eggs fertilized it's likely only .43 will make it past the 4th week of pregnancy. And so for 3 years of trying, the probability has been that we've only had 1.29 chances for a successful pregnancy.
That's just averages, I could have better fertility than average, however, I do not. Take into consideration my family history; it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant, one of her sisters was unable to have children, and one of my dad's sisters were thought to not be able to have children but were able to have one, and then my sister, who is 5 years younger than me, has tried 6 months longer than us has also not been able to conceive.
Sometimes I need a reminder that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. If ever I needed proof, those statistics are it. To me it's a miracle anyone has children, yet there are women who madly defy these odds. Women who don't know anything about ovulation or timing are often the ones I hear saying holding hands with their husband gets them pregnant. Or women who are using birth control and that 1% (or less) chance happens to them. They are likely the reason we don't know the odds are so not in our favor. But now that there is science calculating averages of chances, for every woman bringing the average up there is one bringing it down. And what's staggaring is that the AVERAGE chances for pregnancy are so astronomically improbable, it only points to one conclusion....God is the only one who has ultimate control over who gets pregnant. Every baby is meant to be, and every barren woman is also meant to be.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The precious gift of life
My nephew was born four weeks early by cesarean this morning, and is now in the neonatal intensive care unit. There are all sorts of things that could go wrong, have gone wrong, are bordering on going right or wrong, and so only 4 family members are allowed in to see him until he's released. I won't get to touch or even see him until he's well enough to come home. I've had my sister go in and take pictures of the precious and precarious little bundle of joy so I can at least admire him. I have to settle for photos, but even gazing upon a computer screen that looks like my nephew is a moving experience.
Among the concern, joy is still abundantly present, maybe even more present than at the other two births because of how scary the health concerns are and how fragile his life still is. But all I can do is smile ecstatically when I look at his picture, or talk about him to friends and family.
Yet, it does make me realize, nothing is guaranteed. Even if I get pregnant I could have pregnancy and birth complications, some that could cause death, some that could cause a lifetime of impairment. I could lose the child to SIDS a few months later, I could have my child kidnapped from their school yard, I could have my child die in a car accident their first time driving. Nothing is guaranteed. I used to think, if I could only just get pregnant, all my dreams will come true, but becoming pregnant does not guarantee all those future events can't happen.
I always thought I wasn't the kind of person who could handle a disabled child, but what if that is all I get? Would I rather have none? I don't think I would make that choice. Especially now, looking at my nephew, covered in air tubes, IVs, band aids and bruises. I think he's just as adorable as my two nieces were, and I still long to hold him and love him, just as he is.
Among the concern, joy is still abundantly present, maybe even more present than at the other two births because of how scary the health concerns are and how fragile his life still is. But all I can do is smile ecstatically when I look at his picture, or talk about him to friends and family.
Yet, it does make me realize, nothing is guaranteed. Even if I get pregnant I could have pregnancy and birth complications, some that could cause death, some that could cause a lifetime of impairment. I could lose the child to SIDS a few months later, I could have my child kidnapped from their school yard, I could have my child die in a car accident their first time driving. Nothing is guaranteed. I used to think, if I could only just get pregnant, all my dreams will come true, but becoming pregnant does not guarantee all those future events can't happen.
I always thought I wasn't the kind of person who could handle a disabled child, but what if that is all I get? Would I rather have none? I don't think I would make that choice. Especially now, looking at my nephew, covered in air tubes, IVs, band aids and bruises. I think he's just as adorable as my two nieces were, and I still long to hold him and love him, just as he is.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
In vain or meant to be?
Well, with a future as parents still uncertain we still found ourselves in the prediciment of whether to make some decisions as "potential parents" or as "forever just a couple". The housing market where we live has been going crazy, consistently rising in leaps in bounds over the last year and we're concerned that if we don't upgrade from our not so kid friendly, two bedroom house now then we won't be able to afford to when and if our family grows.
Already we know we're going to have to pay more than twice what we've paid for our current house, for less than twice the space, and we're not really sure how much we can even get for this place, and if we'll be able to afford the difference in cost.
We were already paying a substantial amount for the Jeep Compass we decided to buy last year, which made our budget a little tight at the time. One hard winter in the little Ford Contour we had before that and I knew I didn't want to subject myself to anymore driving in winter without 4x4, nevermind eventually with kids in the back seat. I was worried enough for our own safety, I can't imagine how paranoid I would have been with children. Not that our Contour was in bad shape, it's just the way our roads get, but add on to that the idea of precious cargo....heck, I drove my first neice home in that Contour on a beautiful, balmy day in October and I drove SOOOO carefully, constantly on high alert.
So, having that 4x4 peace was worth the extra expense. Now we had to debate if a bigger house was worth that extra expense. We decided to take the chance, and it seems it was the correct choice. After choosing to do some work that would maximize our return for as little cash as possible, and getting a very handy brother-in-law to help us, we ended up selling our house for %160 of the price we paid for it!
Then, of course we had to look for a new house. Judging from the market, $200,000 was approaching the minimum cost of the type of house we were looking for, and was actually the asking price of houses in the area we were looking in (but bidders were jacking up prices like crazy). We knew $200,000 was the most we could managably afford and so we were a little worried, especially after the first few houses we looked at in our price range would need quite a bit of work. We decided to look in an area that was our third choice, and that's when we found a perfect house, and literally everything on my checklist was in this house and it was listed for under $160,000! We made sure to get to know the owners a little, make sure we left a good impression, and when we left our VERY high offer with them the next day (which still wasn't over the $200,000 mark) we again made sure to make small talk and be memorable and someone they'd want to leave their house to. We hoped and prayed this would be our house, but there had been about 10 people viewing the house at the same time as us, and the owners said they had close to 50 people through that first day, so we didn't hold our breath. AND, there was no official closing date, they had two days they said they were accepting offers but they didn't list a "decision by" date. The waiting was torturous, as our house was already sold and we did not want to have to put all our stuff in storage and live in an apartment for awhile. And we couldn't keep looking because we couldn't have two offers out at the same time anyway.
But God blessed us tremendously when our offer was accepted today! It only took 14 days from the time our house was put on the market until we our offer on our new house was accepted! The details all worked out so perfectly, from dates of possession, to amounts of money earned and spent, our new routes to work, our new neighborhood, the potential this house would bring us for raising a family. It was definately meant to be. Maybe a family was meant to be.
Already we know we're going to have to pay more than twice what we've paid for our current house, for less than twice the space, and we're not really sure how much we can even get for this place, and if we'll be able to afford the difference in cost.
We were already paying a substantial amount for the Jeep Compass we decided to buy last year, which made our budget a little tight at the time. One hard winter in the little Ford Contour we had before that and I knew I didn't want to subject myself to anymore driving in winter without 4x4, nevermind eventually with kids in the back seat. I was worried enough for our own safety, I can't imagine how paranoid I would have been with children. Not that our Contour was in bad shape, it's just the way our roads get, but add on to that the idea of precious cargo....heck, I drove my first neice home in that Contour on a beautiful, balmy day in October and I drove SOOOO carefully, constantly on high alert.
So, having that 4x4 peace was worth the extra expense. Now we had to debate if a bigger house was worth that extra expense. We decided to take the chance, and it seems it was the correct choice. After choosing to do some work that would maximize our return for as little cash as possible, and getting a very handy brother-in-law to help us, we ended up selling our house for %160 of the price we paid for it!
Then, of course we had to look for a new house. Judging from the market, $200,000 was approaching the minimum cost of the type of house we were looking for, and was actually the asking price of houses in the area we were looking in (but bidders were jacking up prices like crazy). We knew $200,000 was the most we could managably afford and so we were a little worried, especially after the first few houses we looked at in our price range would need quite a bit of work. We decided to look in an area that was our third choice, and that's when we found a perfect house, and literally everything on my checklist was in this house and it was listed for under $160,000! We made sure to get to know the owners a little, make sure we left a good impression, and when we left our VERY high offer with them the next day (which still wasn't over the $200,000 mark) we again made sure to make small talk and be memorable and someone they'd want to leave their house to. We hoped and prayed this would be our house, but there had been about 10 people viewing the house at the same time as us, and the owners said they had close to 50 people through that first day, so we didn't hold our breath. AND, there was no official closing date, they had two days they said they were accepting offers but they didn't list a "decision by" date. The waiting was torturous, as our house was already sold and we did not want to have to put all our stuff in storage and live in an apartment for awhile. And we couldn't keep looking because we couldn't have two offers out at the same time anyway.
But God blessed us tremendously when our offer was accepted today! It only took 14 days from the time our house was put on the market until we our offer on our new house was accepted! The details all worked out so perfectly, from dates of possession, to amounts of money earned and spent, our new routes to work, our new neighborhood, the potential this house would bring us for raising a family. It was definately meant to be. Maybe a family was meant to be.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
It's not easy
It's not easy to share exactly the way trying to have a baby has made me feel. A lot of people don't get it, and that isn't bad, it just means they don't know how to respond and it can get awkward. There are many different emotions this situation brings, most people assume you must feel one particular way but I could be feeling any one of a dozen things. So I instead mostly avoid talking about it, and that's not good either.
It's days like these I really need to vent. I have definately learned over the last 2.5 years that control of our potential parenthood lies in God's hands and so most months I have increasing peace about the future of our family, whether that be two or more members. But it's still not easy.
The days that I have a hard time with are when my period is really late, just late enough to hope. As I've said here before, I realize I was too optomistic when I took a test after 3 days, 7 days, 8 days, 12 days. I've even searched the internet for reasons for late periods and I read about false negatives and that tests can't really be relied on until you are 2 weeks late, but I didn't have a chance to wait that long. Because I had been so optimistic from the 'signs' that I was convinced that I had to have had a miscarriage. I tried to postpone the tests later and later, knowing about the '2 weeks late rule' but I ignored my own warnings to wait until the 14th day to do a pregnancy test because each day past the 7th day late just inflated my hope exponentially. There is no other option other than to crash when you've allowed yourself to get your hopes up that high.
Now, it's happened again, 10 days late and as much as I tried I couldn't help but allow a few hopeful thoughts in. The first 5 days I chalked it up to coming off the fertility drugs, my cycle returning to it's erratic state. But then the words of the doctor played through my head, 'sometimes when people take a break from the drugs, they let go of the pressure to get pregnant, the drugs are still somewhat in their system, and that's when a lot of women get pregnant.' I had enough restraint to not do a test this time but I couldn't keep out all hope. The fall wasn't nearly so bad on the 11th day, but the same questions run through my mind everytime as I wallow in disappointment.
If there are no answers how will I know when to stop hoping? I've had no answers from God or doctors, not a 'you can't' and not a 'you will'. I have my own ideas of when I no longer want to be giving birth (age-wise and health-wise) but that's about 5 years away! What if there never will be a concrete 'yes' or 'no'? How do I survive not knowing until I pull the plug on this myself 5-ish years from now. I feel like I'm hoping too much for something I haven't even been promised, and that that hope might keep me from realizing my purpose. Yet without a clear 'no' can I ever stop hoping? And on days when I find peace that it may be my purpose not to have kids it doesn't last long before I feel guilty, like I might just be being selfish. Like the freedoms we have and would continue to have being childless are selfish. It's being neither here not there that drives me crazy.
Who's to say I won't get answers before those years are up? I know I've been and probably still am being taught something through this. And I'm glad for what I've learned. I just feel like with no answers I'm standing with me feet on two paths, two paths in opposite directions, and because I'm just standing still I'm going nowhere. It's not easy, but no one promised it would be.
It's days like these I really need to vent. I have definately learned over the last 2.5 years that control of our potential parenthood lies in God's hands and so most months I have increasing peace about the future of our family, whether that be two or more members. But it's still not easy.
The days that I have a hard time with are when my period is really late, just late enough to hope. As I've said here before, I realize I was too optomistic when I took a test after 3 days, 7 days, 8 days, 12 days. I've even searched the internet for reasons for late periods and I read about false negatives and that tests can't really be relied on until you are 2 weeks late, but I didn't have a chance to wait that long. Because I had been so optimistic from the 'signs' that I was convinced that I had to have had a miscarriage. I tried to postpone the tests later and later, knowing about the '2 weeks late rule' but I ignored my own warnings to wait until the 14th day to do a pregnancy test because each day past the 7th day late just inflated my hope exponentially. There is no other option other than to crash when you've allowed yourself to get your hopes up that high.
Now, it's happened again, 10 days late and as much as I tried I couldn't help but allow a few hopeful thoughts in. The first 5 days I chalked it up to coming off the fertility drugs, my cycle returning to it's erratic state. But then the words of the doctor played through my head, 'sometimes when people take a break from the drugs, they let go of the pressure to get pregnant, the drugs are still somewhat in their system, and that's when a lot of women get pregnant.' I had enough restraint to not do a test this time but I couldn't keep out all hope. The fall wasn't nearly so bad on the 11th day, but the same questions run through my mind everytime as I wallow in disappointment.
If there are no answers how will I know when to stop hoping? I've had no answers from God or doctors, not a 'you can't' and not a 'you will'. I have my own ideas of when I no longer want to be giving birth (age-wise and health-wise) but that's about 5 years away! What if there never will be a concrete 'yes' or 'no'? How do I survive not knowing until I pull the plug on this myself 5-ish years from now. I feel like I'm hoping too much for something I haven't even been promised, and that that hope might keep me from realizing my purpose. Yet without a clear 'no' can I ever stop hoping? And on days when I find peace that it may be my purpose not to have kids it doesn't last long before I feel guilty, like I might just be being selfish. Like the freedoms we have and would continue to have being childless are selfish. It's being neither here not there that drives me crazy.
Who's to say I won't get answers before those years are up? I know I've been and probably still am being taught something through this. And I'm glad for what I've learned. I just feel like with no answers I'm standing with me feet on two paths, two paths in opposite directions, and because I'm just standing still I'm going nowhere. It's not easy, but no one promised it would be.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Wrestling with control
Although it makes sense to quit the drugs, why artificially make your body do something if you can do it a healthy way, that should be done with or without drugs anyway, but it feels a little less in control this way. I know, am I a control freak much? I know I'm in control of losing weight, but I'm not in control of whether that will work. Of course, I'm not really in control of whether the pills will work. The doctor gave me a prescription for actual fertility drugs in case the losing weight doesn't work, but those are the kind that create twins, or more! That's even more artificiality I'm not sure I'm ready for or wanting. But it's that 'control' issue. I liked feeling like I had a course of action.
Hubby however likes not being in control. He is of the opinion he would be braver about being a father if God was to give us a child naturally, like a vote of confidence from God. So because I love him more than I love the chance at motherhood, I oblige and I am not going to try and get my way, or give him any reason to regret or resent how I handled this issue at this moment. And I really love his respect for the responsibility it is to be a parent, and it's all about his honest desire to give children the best life possible (not necessarily financially, but in raising them right) that is driving him to want it this way. How can I begrudge that?
Hubby however likes not being in control. He is of the opinion he would be braver about being a father if God was to give us a child naturally, like a vote of confidence from God. So because I love him more than I love the chance at motherhood, I oblige and I am not going to try and get my way, or give him any reason to regret or resent how I handled this issue at this moment. And I really love his respect for the responsibility it is to be a parent, and it's all about his honest desire to give children the best life possible (not necessarily financially, but in raising them right) that is driving him to want it this way. How can I begrudge that?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
We're going the 'do-it-yourself' route
Well, hubby and I did some soul searching recently about the baby issue, and have come to a decision not to continue the two drugs I was taking to 'regulate' my reproductive system. Basically they were tricking my body into thinking it was a healthy weight, enough to ovulate normally and since I am working towards losing weight anyway, we felt it unnecessary to be buying drugs for the next few months (until I'm a healthy weight), especially since my stomach is already sensitive and we couldn't tell if my recent feeling ill was aggrevated by the pills. Also, we would never know when my body was healthy enough to ovulate normally if I was on those regulators. I was in a rush to think the pills would be a quick fix and we didn't immediately take the time to hash out all the angles, so now that we have that is our decision.
So, now I get to work and lose weight so that we can see if that in fact is the issue, if I can in fact regulate my ovulation myself by lowering my weight. If not, then we'll have another decision to make at that time.
I have already lost 11 lbs in 10 weeks! YAY!
So, now I get to work and lose weight so that we can see if that in fact is the issue, if I can in fact regulate my ovulation myself by lowering my weight. If not, then we'll have another decision to make at that time.
I have already lost 11 lbs in 10 weeks! YAY!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Renewed Hope
So, today was the day I've long awaited, the day I hoped to have the right people ask the right questions and start a journey of getting some answers, which all happened, but what made me even happier was that a treatment plan was already put in place today.
I will be starting treatments this Thursday already! The doctor said it sounds like my ovulation happens at a different time every month so he's going to put me on a drug that regulates that, which is what I start taking Thursday. They are in the mean time also doing routine blood tests for hormone levels, some tomorrow and some in 3 weeks, partly to see what kind of hormones levels I have and partly to see if I did in fact ovulate due to this drug. The doctor also said that insulin levels can affect ovulation and so he gave me a drug that regulates that as well. It's actually a drug that treats diabetics, and so he said it may also help me lose weight, which will also increase my chances of ovulating normally. He said the reason weight can affect fertility is because the more you weigh the more estrogen your body produces and so when it comes time to ovulate it thinks it doesn't need to produce the extra estrogen to release the egg because your body has enough, and an egg doesn't get released or it delays the release. He said I should still have an exercise and nutrition program (which I do :) at the same time to work with these drugs. Of course they are doing a few other things just to rule stuff out, like Sean is being tested, and an x-ray of my uterus will be done in about a month, and possibly more depending on my blood tests and whether I ovulate this month. He gave us a flow chart of how the testing process works, showing what results to lead to which courses of action, treatment-wise or further testing. Also, there were other tips/advice he gave us, regarding timing and frequency, testing ovulation (buying tests), etc.
It sounds simple enough for the moment, and Sean is willing, and it doesn't feel like we're manipulating nature too much. I haven't got the prescriptions yet since I can't start them until Thursday anyway, so we'll see how much they cost us. I guess that will factor into how long we try this plan of treatment. The doctor said the insulin regulator alone helps a lot of women, so depending on cost we might stick with just that.....I'm crossing my fingers it helps with my weight too, that would be nice : )
I will be starting treatments this Thursday already! The doctor said it sounds like my ovulation happens at a different time every month so he's going to put me on a drug that regulates that, which is what I start taking Thursday. They are in the mean time also doing routine blood tests for hormone levels, some tomorrow and some in 3 weeks, partly to see what kind of hormones levels I have and partly to see if I did in fact ovulate due to this drug. The doctor also said that insulin levels can affect ovulation and so he gave me a drug that regulates that as well. It's actually a drug that treats diabetics, and so he said it may also help me lose weight, which will also increase my chances of ovulating normally. He said the reason weight can affect fertility is because the more you weigh the more estrogen your body produces and so when it comes time to ovulate it thinks it doesn't need to produce the extra estrogen to release the egg because your body has enough, and an egg doesn't get released or it delays the release. He said I should still have an exercise and nutrition program (which I do :) at the same time to work with these drugs. Of course they are doing a few other things just to rule stuff out, like Sean is being tested, and an x-ray of my uterus will be done in about a month, and possibly more depending on my blood tests and whether I ovulate this month. He gave us a flow chart of how the testing process works, showing what results to lead to which courses of action, treatment-wise or further testing. Also, there were other tips/advice he gave us, regarding timing and frequency, testing ovulation (buying tests), etc.
It sounds simple enough for the moment, and Sean is willing, and it doesn't feel like we're manipulating nature too much. I haven't got the prescriptions yet since I can't start them until Thursday anyway, so we'll see how much they cost us. I guess that will factor into how long we try this plan of treatment. The doctor said the insulin regulator alone helps a lot of women, so depending on cost we might stick with just that.....I'm crossing my fingers it helps with my weight too, that would be nice : )
Friday, February 29, 2008
Getting down to business
Ok, I know I've said this before but I am going to make it happen this time. I AM going to lose weight. I am NOT going to just try some fad diet. I am NOT going to reward exercise with food. I AM going to seek help (my personal trainer sister is a good start). I am NOT going to go crazy and hit the ground with all cylinders blazing, slow and steady wins this race.
I have a plan, I have a goal, and I'm going to do it! I am so nervous that my weight is the only reason I can not get pregnant. That's what the fertility clinic told my sister and she was only technically 20lbs over weight (according to BMI which doesn't even take into account muscle mass). I would have loved having her body and they said she was overweight. I'd rather not hear that, and know all this pain and heartache over the last 2 years has been my fault all along.
Not to mention, I'm beginning to see many other ramifications for being over weight. Possible sleep apnea and being not well rested, the beginnings of the osteoarthritis my mom has, not having energy to play with my neices for more than a little while. All things I need to pay serious attention to if I am ever going to be a mother.
So, this time I'm serious. And I'm going to do it!
Oh, and I got my letter, I have my appointment with the fertility clinich March 11th!!
I have a plan, I have a goal, and I'm going to do it! I am so nervous that my weight is the only reason I can not get pregnant. That's what the fertility clinic told my sister and she was only technically 20lbs over weight (according to BMI which doesn't even take into account muscle mass). I would have loved having her body and they said she was overweight. I'd rather not hear that, and know all this pain and heartache over the last 2 years has been my fault all along.
Not to mention, I'm beginning to see many other ramifications for being over weight. Possible sleep apnea and being not well rested, the beginnings of the osteoarthritis my mom has, not having energy to play with my neices for more than a little while. All things I need to pay serious attention to if I am ever going to be a mother.
So, this time I'm serious. And I'm going to do it!
Oh, and I got my letter, I have my appointment with the fertility clinich March 11th!!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Why Them, Why Not Me
For every story I hear about a woman who is eventually blessed with a biological child, after years of waiting, wondering, testing, giving up hope, there are far more stories of mothers who are unwed or single, a teenager, or worse, under the age of consent, who not only didn't plan to become pregnant but they don't want to be pregnant.
I have a hard enough time hearing people I care about are pregnant but to have to live in a world where people unfit to be parents are able to so easily, without effort, without any forthought, without any desire, without any love, are given the precious gift of children. That's what tears my heart into a million pieces, because who knows what life these children will have to endure. If they get to endure life at all!
Per year, there are approximately 1.3 million abortions in North America, and 42 million abortions worldwide!! 93% of ALL abortions occur for social reasons , i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient!!! 39 million babies murdered because they were an inconvenience!!!! An estimated 43% of ALL women will have at least 1 abortion by the time they are 45 years old, and almost half of them will do it a second time!!!!!
Let's compare that to the number of women giving their children up for adoption, because everything's relative right? Well, it's pretty hard to even find these kind of statistics, there are none for North America as a whole, the US is at about 121,000 per year right now, there are no stats for Canada or worldwide. From all the info I can see, we could guestimate 4 million adoptions worldwide, and that's probably an over estimate. 10% less adoptions than abortions!! And that's not even taking into consideration that the adoption may not have been because it was an unwanted or inconvenient baby, it could be orphaned children of loving parents, it could be a step-parent taking more responsibility for a child's life. There is no way to know how many of those adoptions are a choice as opposed to abortion.
Why is the precious gift of life wasted on those women? It's hard not to let those stories mulitply the heartache. It's hard not to let those stories get you bitter. It's hard not to get angry. It's hard to see God's plan in all that. I know it's there, it just can get really hard to see sometimes.
I have a hard enough time hearing people I care about are pregnant but to have to live in a world where people unfit to be parents are able to so easily, without effort, without any forthought, without any desire, without any love, are given the precious gift of children. That's what tears my heart into a million pieces, because who knows what life these children will have to endure. If they get to endure life at all!
Per year, there are approximately 1.3 million abortions in North America, and 42 million abortions worldwide!! 93% of ALL abortions occur for social reasons , i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient!!! 39 million babies murdered because they were an inconvenience!!!! An estimated 43% of ALL women will have at least 1 abortion by the time they are 45 years old, and almost half of them will do it a second time!!!!!
Let's compare that to the number of women giving their children up for adoption, because everything's relative right? Well, it's pretty hard to even find these kind of statistics, there are none for North America as a whole, the US is at about 121,000 per year right now, there are no stats for Canada or worldwide. From all the info I can see, we could guestimate 4 million adoptions worldwide, and that's probably an over estimate. 10% less adoptions than abortions!! And that's not even taking into consideration that the adoption may not have been because it was an unwanted or inconvenient baby, it could be orphaned children of loving parents, it could be a step-parent taking more responsibility for a child's life. There is no way to know how many of those adoptions are a choice as opposed to abortion.
Why is the precious gift of life wasted on those women? It's hard not to let those stories mulitply the heartache. It's hard not to let those stories get you bitter. It's hard not to get angry. It's hard to see God's plan in all that. I know it's there, it just can get really hard to see sometimes.
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