What hurts the most

Having a sister who is going through what I am has never been as comforting as it is today. Because my other sister has announced she's pregnant with her third child at our Christmas gathering today. The same day, two weeks earlier, I hoped I'd get to be the one to say those words. And what hurt the most, was for her to say, 'you two only have until March to get pregnant if you want to have kids the same year as my last'. As if it's all up to us. I came very close to bitterly spitting out the lie, "I lost a baby 2 weeks ago", knowing it was probably not true. But it could be. And then maybe she'd see this is not a subject she can so flippantly comment on. Especially considering there are two of us. Two people she obviously didn't see hurting. We weren't sure how it could be missed, times two. But it was.
The saddest part is it took all the joy away from the fact we were going to be aunts again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

So, good news, I got my referral to the fertility clinic. All I have to do is wait for them to contact me with an appointment. They have no idea how long that will take, but it took my sister about a month. It's easier to wait with time frames.
Bad news, I still need the fertility clinic appointment because after another 4 days (so, 12 in total) of being late I got my period. Longest late period yet, and so of course, the most hope I've had built up yet. Of course by day 10 (even with a negative test on day 8) I am imagining getting to tell all of our family at Christmas in some silly 'gift' gag that suprises them with the news. I'm imagining a baby being born close to my birthday, what a perfect gift that would be.
I let myself get far too carried away. Will I ever learn? The pain and bitterness inside me are ugly. I can get rid of it much faster now but it is still not fun.
No tests until 15 days. Seriously this time, I just can't take it anymore.

One giant leap for mother-kind

Finally, the day of my appointment! I know I won't really be getting any answers today, but it's the next step to getting some answers. Today I will only get a referral to the fertility clinic in our city, provided the 'substitute' doctor can glean enough information from my file and myself to warrant that referral.
Oh, and guess what? I'm also 8 days late. With a negative test. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help it, I listened to 'people' who say, once you have the doctor's appointment you end up pregnant. Yeah, yeah. Will I ever learn.