No news is good news

I haven't written here in awhile but I just wanted to pop in and say that it's not because I'm once again on the descending part of this rollercoaster. I wanted to say no news is good news.....things are the same but I am still hopeful.

I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.

I do have stirrings.

I do have whispers.

I do have 'maybe'.

I do have prayers.

I do have dreams.

Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.

I still have love.

Hope or Presumption

Awhile ago I wrote about 'expecting miracles' and how even though I know and have complete faith God is very capable of giving me a miracle child, I have had trouble expecting that for myself. I wasn't sure I should expect the miracle I wanted, so I expected a miracle in general.

Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?

Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'

As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.

I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances.  When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.

Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations.  Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.

YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me.  Not that I expect that will be easy.  What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.

But.

I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.

And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.

So, for now, I am full of hope again.

And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.

Infertility is not...

I hate it when people ask what options we are exploring for fertility/children, and when I say none I get The look.

The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'

That look.

It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'

Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.

And it's a different kind of craving for everyone.  And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option. 

Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy.  Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy.  I only want chocolate chip cookies.

That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.

Infertility is like getting fired

hours each day spent on tasks that are just unnecessary anymore, what to do with yourself?

pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.

and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'

it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.

it's like starting life over again.

find new things to do, new people to see.

At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.

Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will?  Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

Expecting Miracles...part 2

So I FINALLY finished the bracelet I started way back in February when I wrote this post on Expecting Miracles!

I'm so happy I finally got around to it and can wear it! It's such a small thing but I just can't explain it, it just feels good to wear it, like my faith is little more bolstered now, I've got that extra bit more hope to draw from now.
I love it.

999 reasons

to laugh at infertility, a good blog for a pick-me-up when there are 9999 reasons to cry because of infertility.

reason #9328
the 30th day of your cycle mantra (or whatever day it is for you)

no, you are not pregnant.

no, that was not implantation spotting.

no, you are not more exhausted than usual.

no, that icky feeling in the morning is not morning sickness.

no, your breasts are not sore because they are filling with milk.

no, the timing 36 weeks from now is not perfect because it co-insides with _______ (fill in the blank).

no, you are not pregnant.

repeat. hourly. until 31st day of cycle (usually).

Mother's & Father's Day

So, my Mother's day this year was actually not emotional at all. No jealousy from facebook statuses. No left-outness at Church, where they did a shout out to the childless who can still "mentor-mother" (even if they did use a spinster as an example). No over exposure to cute kids smothering their mothers with love. Much better than last year.

Father's day, not quite so good. First the well meaning wishes from a 5 year old, my neice while handing out the first servings of cakes to fathers accidently wished my husband a happy father's day. my sister apologized after, but hubby didn't even really give it a second thought, knowing she was just repeating a greeting that she couldn't understand the deeper conitations of, but he was more impressed my sister apologized.This is the sister who said this and this. She's made great strides.
The actual hurtful part came 2 minutes later when my dad wished him a happy father's day while laughing. I know my dad is not tactful, pretty blunt about things that aren't his business, lacks a little consideration for people's sensitive subjects, but this surprised me. 
My dad SHOULD know there is nothing pleasant about Father's day for my hubby. My dad SHOULD know how hard it is to celebrate a day that celebrates what you are trying to be and can't. My dad himself went through 5 years of trying to be a father with no success. Even before 5 years ago my husband never liked Father's day, having had no father in his life since he was 5, and actually losing his father to cancer with no reconciliation 6 years ago. My dad SHOULD know how painful hubby's experience with his father has been, and that the last thing he's ever wanted to do was celebrate a day that celebrates a figure that hurt him so much. My dad himself lost his father at a young age, he has experienced the hurt of Father's days past that were hurtful to celebrate what he didn't have.
I really can't understand where that 'foot in the mouth' greeting came from, what possibly could have been running through his brain that would make him think that was remotely appropriate. Such a small thing, but with a large rippling effect, if only the empathy filter had kicked in.

A vision?

Here's my sketch of that tattoo I got in my dream.

Of course, the real artist who sketched it on my arm did much better than I :)

I had a dream

I had a dream the other night.

I haven't had a baby related dream in quite awhile.

It didn't start off that way at all. I dreamt I went to my tattoo artist to get an update on the design she is working on for me currently. When I got there she said her appointment didn't show and she had time to start tattooing me, even if we couldn't finish, she could start it. So I sat down in the chair, didn't even look at the finished design, trusting it to be the one we had discussed in March. We sat there talking as she worked for an hour and as we both realized we had to end the session she brought over a mirror for me to see the finished product. This is what I saw on my arm.

It was a hand drawn sketch, that looked like it had been done in blue, purple and red pencils, of Sean and I facing each other, holding each other's hands and leaning in towards each other for a kiss. But in the gap between us, in the background, was an angel like figure holding a baby.

That is not the design I currently have her working on. What this means I have no idea. But I find it hopeful.

I would really like to try and sketch this now....

Timing

Reading the beginning of Luke, where Elizabeth is kept barren until she is very old but then is miraculously made pregnant just before Mary, her much younger cousin, also miraculously becomes pregnant, I saw how God kept Elizabeth waiting to become with child for a reason. How Mary must have needed the company of someone going through the same thing, not exactly the same thing but the child Elizabeth was carrying was also a very special child, a child prophesized to change the course of human kind. There were likely not that many understanding people at that point in Mary's life, being a very young, unwed, mother to be, but Elizabeth was in a unique position to support Mary by being pregnant at this time and only this time in history.

It brought to mind the possibility that God was prolonging my own pregnancy for a similar reason. I still wasn't getting a 'no' to my question of 'will I?' One particular person came to mind as I thought this.  I couldn't think of a reason God would want us to be pregnant at the same time, but as a friend pointed out, maybe these thoughts were coming to me for a reason. One never knows.

Well, that particular person I thought of during that moment, I just found out she's pregnant. She found out she was pregnant on the day I found out I was not, after being 5 days late. I haven't been 5 days late in a long time. I guess it doesn't rule out the possibility but the timing of it all doesn't bode well. But who am I to question God's timing. I am still just as ignorant as before, but also still just as hopeful.

"Free"

Even though I really am at peace with the decision to have stopped pursuing treatment, to choose child-free living (while not giving up hope for some supernatural interference in this decision), it isn't quite the care-free living it can appear to be.
When I, and I'm sure others, think of a couple who have chosen a child-free life, I think of the jet setters I know, who have the 'freed up' funds to travel to exotic and/or intriguing places around the globe.  I think of the women who dive into their career and climb to great success and fulfillment.  I think of the couples who poor their time and efforts into their homes, producing an immaculate, magazine-worthy property.
I have none of those.  While I really enjoy my job, career is never something I've been too wrapped up in and would much rather just work to live rather than live to work.  And we don't have the money to either zip around the globe nor create the home of our dreams.
I can't say that having those would make this any easier, but it sure would provide some distraction.

Bust A Myth - Every Infertile Follows the Same Script

The challenge "Bust a Myth" is being put out there by National Infertility Awareness Week, to take one of the many myths about infertility and write a post on it, then linking it up to the NIAW site so that it can be read, and spread the truth about infertility.

The myth I chose to bust is that every infertile couple's journey follows the same script, going a little something like this:

If you ever declare you are trying to have a baby then people just don't understand any path that doesn't follow this, like if it's meant to happen just letting it happen naturally without any artificial assistance, or if it's not meant to happen naturally just not having children at all.  People seem to think that just because you want to be a parent you will stop at nothing to have the children you desire.

That isn't always the case.  Jumping from treatment to treatment is not only physically and emotionally exhausting, it takes a toll on your marriage, your work, your other relationships, your spiritual life, your finances, etc.  You can almost completely deplete all those resources pursuing every treatment, and then you think there is something left to raise a baby with? 

Personally, I want to have a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy body at my disposal to raise my child with, and a healthy support system of relationships to give my child the best I can.  I believe in our case I have to weigh that choice for every treatment option, if I feel it would lead to a life that would actually turn out to be at the expense of our child, which I have weighed and have personally chosen to stop the pursuit of all treatments. I now believe that if I am meant to have a child it will happen completely naturally or super-naturally, and if that doesn't happen we will live child-free. I would rather have no children than tear apart my life in pursuit of one.

If there is one thing most everyone dislikes, not only TTC's or infertiles', it is people who make assumptions about our life, someone who makes suggestions rather than listens (especially if that person has no experience with the issue), and tries to pigeon-hole you into a cookie-cutter outcome and ignore the fact we're all different in so many ways, no two people will have the exact same journey in any area of life.

If you want to learn more about infertility, check this out.

If you want to join the movement, click here.

Trying to be patient

I had big plans
More powerful than a locomotive
Innocent as a flower growing
In the middle of a barley field
I didn't understand
That you could have pockets overflowing with determination
Give it all you got with no congratulations
And still be at the bottom of the hill
Waiting at the station
With the rails laid out before me
Trying to be patient
Hoping it didn't leave

Sitting on a suitcase
Crossing fingers counting the days til it arrived
I was sure that it was coming
But somehow it just passed me by
Oh how could I be so naive
I always thought this train would stop for me

I had a ticket
That was paid for with my hard earned money
I thought that maybe that would count for something
Wasn't looking for a free ride
But nobody mentioned
Sometimes all the passenger seats are taken
The cars are full and it's a rude awakening
When you're left behind
So disappointed... yeah
I never even got to try
Instead of living in the moment
I've been wasting all this time

Don't you hate...

changing PMS symptoms.

had the same symptoms for years, went off the pill, now the symptoms change like every 6-8 months.

really?

like waiting isn't torturous enough, now we have to figure out if the new 'signs' mean anything?

they didn't.

One person's back breaker is another person's back bone

There are women, and most likely men, losing their faith because they don't understand how the God of their faith could allow for them not to be parents, especially in the face of all those who do receive children and are inflicting abuse and death on children all over our world.

And I wonder, why my faith has been strengthened rather than torn apart?

Well, if there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.


I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, and many others around me are putting him in that box too, but really I don’t deserve anything.

I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and other TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.

There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand, or like, what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not). He just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.

I have finally come to a place where I treasure the relationship I have formed with God more than I treasure children.  Certainly, 5 years ago, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, my treasure was having children, above God, above my husband.  But no man can serve two masters, for all the love and devotion I placed on having children, it spawned despisment for all the moments God or my husband asked for something opposing.  What an aweful thing to say, but it is true. Infertility is the best thing that could have happened for my faith, and therefore my marriage.
 
But why?
 
With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me, first in unrelated anxiety, but then in the anxiousness of a dying dream. And God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, the more I petition him in prayer the more peace I have that passes my understanding.  And not only is it the kind of peace that is "an irrational sense of emotional calm", it really does surpass understanding, I find I no longer have the need to understand. It's not that I think ignorance is bliss, but when God chooses not to reveal the answers to me that I seek, then I just rest in my trust in my God.  It is I who is in a box, with limits on my understanding and reach and power, not God.

Whisper Sweet Nothings

So, as I've said for 5 years now, God has given me no answers about what motherhood will look like for me, I feel I haven't had a clear "Yes, you will be a mother" or "No, you will not be a mother", whatever that motherhood entails.

The only whispers I've received are, 'hope' and 'expect miracles'. Not very concrete :)

But the whispers are getting louder. 

When I shared my 'expect miracles' revelation with my husband, he declared firmly 'He WILL give you children.'  This is very unlike him, because until I STTC in April he was of the belief if we don't have children naturally then God doesn't want him (and therefore us) to parent. There hasn't been any part of this journey, or his feelings regarding parenting, that he has been confident in. He also has done as much as he can to avoid getting my hopes up because of the crash down from those hopes, so he has avoided saying anything that increases my hope. So any tiniest bit of hope from him, I know it's from God.

Then, my mom has chosen to focus on praying for me to have children during their Church's 'Prayer & Fasting' month, she decided to practice some listening prayer (asking God a question and waiting for an answer in the form of words or picture that come to mind). When she asked God about the possiblity of me still having children she heard 'in His time'.  This is something I've heard, phrased just like that, as well.  It's vague I know, but it's confirmation....it's not just me hearing this now. And I know my mom is seeking His will now, even though she's praying for me to have a baby anyway, the optimism she is sharing with me is from Him.

It's nice to hear Him speaking through other people.  I'm rarely ever sure because some people just speak the language of hope for "optimism's sake".  I don't want unfounded optimism, I want truth.

The whispering of nothings yet they are sweet all the same, because when they come from Him they are everything.

Expect Miracles

I have been cleaning out my craft room, trying to weed out the supplies I'll never use, especially since in my workshops I have to use the product of my company only, leaving a lot of my paper and trinkets useless for that.  I looked in my little jewellery storage box, where I store pieces I'd love to create jewellery with one day and found a charm exactly like this I had long forgotten about.

In the moment I looked at it I knew this was the attitude I needed to take on for myself, in every day life, but in particular, with motherhood. So I'm going to turn it into a bracelet, having it around my wrist to see it's message anytime I need it.

Apparently this is already quite the popular idea, since a Google search returned many types, such as the one above and these:

Personally I was thinking of using some wine colored shells I have, because wine is the color of the string bracelets used by the infertile community, but now looking at this last 'Forever Faith' bracelet and the meaning behind it, I am even more sure I want to use the color wine as a reminder Jesus turned water into wine. I'll post a picture here once I have it completed.

I don't know what a miracle in my life entails, what it will look like.  Maybe I'll receive the miracle of a tremendously fulfilling purpose without children.  Maybe I'll receive the miracle of children.  Or something else, somewhere between those.  In my last post I felt I wasn't going to be a recipient of a miracle, but that's because in my narrow mindedness a miracle meant a biological child of my own. But the person who created this charm didn't just mean the miracle of birth, especially not the miracle of barren to birth. They meant all the miracles God can bless us with at any moment, in any situation, at all odds. And that's the kind of miracle God wants me to expect, the kind he is in control of, the kind that follows his plans, not mine.

His ways are higher than our ways. I have to start thinking outside the box, as much as I try not too, I sometimes put God in my short-sighted, ignorant and small box. When I get these insights into how big my God is, that box I put him seems as small as a mustard seed. But he says even that much faith is enough. Everything is possible for one who believes.

Fear Factor

1. In just 18 months, at the age of 35, the statistics on the health problems that could be encountered IF I manage to get pregnant are: I am 2.75 X as likely to have a miscarriage. I am 2.5 X more likely to have a baby with down syndrom. 1/3 of my eggs will have chromosomal problems, 0.5% of pregnancies result in chromosomal birth defects. I am twice as likely to have pregnancy/birth complications endangering the child and/or myself. As well as a general 'increased risk' for ectopic pregnancies and premature & low-weight babies.
2. If in fact the 'natural' way is eliminated, the only options left require spending, mostly in the thousands to tens of thousands of dollars, in otherwords, debt in the thousands of dollars. Taking on high debt for high risk, no matter the choice....Canadian adoption=parents have a year to take back child (we know of 2 such cases), International adoption= very high cost, fertility treatments=only takes care of conception, not implantation or surviving the first 4 weeks in utero (typically only 30% successful on average).
3. Cancer has ravaged 66% of the male generation above Sean on his father's side, their 'mid-life crisis' - a fast and vicious killer.  One male cousin didn't even make it past 33 from the same cancer. There is a very real possibility any child of ours could lose their father in the next 3+ years. There is a very real possibility a son of ours could get cancer too.
4. The generational anger that Sean (and his brothers) have inherited, stemming from the kind of poor choices that destroyed lives and whose ripple effects seem unending, makes for a very real possibility of passing this on to our children.

Fears, or anxiousness, whatever you want to name my ever growing list of reasons I'm becoming ok with having no children, I'm torn between allowing these to continue (if they are meant to bring me some comfort being childless) or taking them captive (do not be anxious about anything).
It is difficult to know whether I'm supposed to be 'facing facts' or 'holding on to hope', I have yet to experience any tangible answers, as I have mentioned before.
A new blog I've started following plucked the words right from my heart when I read her post, "I believe God can do miracles, but I am finding it hard to believe he will choose to do it for us. Something in me is telling me that my body is just not going to let this happen. I don't know if it my own pessimism, the enemy, or the Holy Spirit. I don't know whether to believe it or refute it. I wish we just knew one way or the other. I need some black and white. I need a plan, all this grey, and all this "wait and see" feels like such a heavy burden on our shoulders.... I am left desperate for hope. Real hope - and a little perspective."

Am I supposed to be ok with the way things are? Are my anxious thoughts not my own pessimism? Are they the truthful whisperings of the Holy Spirit?

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."

Pros and Cons

When you are TTC it's easy to ignore the 'cons' of having children, you are so focused on all that you want about parenthood and you bury the doubts and worries. The desire for love is built so strong in us, to be able to love and be loved unconditionally is a blinding passion that helps most people forget the 'cons'.

When you are STTC it's the opposite, you spend more time thinking, 'at least I don't have to worry about that' now, and you try not to think about all the 'pros' you are missing out on.  After all, there is a LOT that can go wrong, and I think anyone who cares about children can come up with a long list of reasons they add to our worries, without even including the shallow and selfish ones. But to help me STTC, I even dwell on the shallow and selfish ones. Most days.  Until I look into this face.....and all the cons go away.

(my adorable nephew)

What To Expect

So, 10 months ago I gave up on keeping track of my cycle all together, didn't even want to know when to expect the next one so that I couldn't know if I was late or not.  It really worked in getting over my break-up with TTC, but now it's a little annoying NOT knowing when to expect it.

I didn't want to start tracking it again, or even writing it down every month, but thanks to my iPhone I have an app for that :)

It's called What To Expect.

All I do is enter in the day it starts, how long it lasts and it calculates the rest for me.  If I want to know, for whatever reason, I can glance at the future calendars, but if I don't look at it I have no clue. Blissful ignorance.
Once the next one comes, if the calendar was wrong I can update it so that next months prediction is more accurate, if I want.  Just enough info but not too much.  And the price was right, free!

We'll return right after these messages...

So I took a self-imposed hiatus from regular blogging, back in early October. I needed to give myself a break, figuretively and literally. Ever since I'd realized having children is not a likely future for us I had been a little obsessed with re-shaping my life and my purpose, and for some reason I felt I needed to impliment every idea I ever had to fill the 'empty' life this would leave me with. I'd created one list after another of things I felt I needed/wanted to accomplish with this different future, a list of attributes/skills/characteristics I can shape in myself now that I won't have a life focused on raising children.  I even made a colour coded chart in excel!

And I needed to act on it all NOW. Maybe so I wouldn't feel a void, maybe because I never was good at being idle, which I felt now that I wasn't spending so much time on a certain bunch of activities.

I, being a natural born planner and scheduler, planned and scheduled all these new goals of mine with next to no wiggle room. I even put just about every goal in my Outlook calendar, reminders and all. I thought I accounted for the freedom to follow a new, God-led, purpose, I realize now that embracing gifts he gave me didn't mean I had to use them all and so frequently.

And I totally didn't account for 'life happens'.

And it did.

Life happened. What did I think I would do when work got crazy? How did I not see I had far too many priorities? Why didn't I slow down when my husband started struggling? Or when I started struggling? Or when our marriage started struggling? My calendar reminders didn't stop appearing when those started. I was hit by an anxiety attack, but amidst it all I continued to feel obligated to keep up with my schedule, after all, I had this person I was trying to become, it was my choice to make these priorities, these goals. I would guiltally press 'Snooze' on all those reminders with good intentions of getting back to them all later, but they just piled up, overwhelming me even more.

I forgot to schedule time to

just.be.

So, I interrupted my 'regularly scheduled programming'.

I finally gave myself a break.

And now I'm back.
 
I hope to begin blogging here again a little more regularly now. Thanks for staying tuned.