pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.
and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'
it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.
it's like starting life over again.
find new things to do, new people to see.
At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.
Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will? Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
I can hear my own fear in your words. When I look to the unknown of the future, it is totally overwhelming. I can't imagine my life without children. But then I realize almost a year has gone by since we began trying and I see I made it this far. I am a more gentle person than a yer ago. My heart has been transformed through all the pain and heartache. My marriage is stronger. If I had known we would be no closer to being parents at this time it would have devestated me but we tried our hardest to take one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteSome of those days I wasn't sure if I could make it, and some full of laughter. But step by step we did make it. And we have been changed for the better somehow along the way. I pray you will find strength for today. And know in your heart the mercies that are new to you every morning.
Perhaps you are being freed up for something in the future, but try not to lose the possibility of beauty today by looking ahead to far.
Blessings to you today xx