So, as I've said for 5 years now, God has given me no answers about what motherhood will look like for me, I feel I haven't had a clear "Yes, you will be a mother" or "No, you will not be a mother", whatever that motherhood entails.
The only whispers I've received are, 'hope' and 'expect miracles'. Not very concrete :)
But the whispers are getting louder.
When I shared my 'expect miracles' revelation with my husband, he declared firmly 'He WILL give you children.' This is very unlike him, because until I STTC in April he was of the belief if we don't have children naturally then God doesn't want him (and therefore us) to parent. There hasn't been any part of this journey, or his feelings regarding parenting, that he has been confident in. He also has done as much as he can to avoid getting my hopes up because of the crash down from those hopes, so he has avoided saying anything that increases my hope. So any tiniest bit of hope from him, I know it's from God.
Then, my mom has chosen to focus on praying for me to have children during their Church's 'Prayer & Fasting' month, she decided to practice some listening prayer (asking God a question and waiting for an answer in the form of words or picture that come to mind). When she asked God about the possiblity of me still having children she heard 'in His time'. This is something I've heard, phrased just like that, as well. It's vague I know, but it's confirmation....it's not just me hearing this now. And I know my mom is seeking His will now, even though she's praying for me to have a baby anyway, the optimism she is sharing with me is from Him.
It's nice to hear Him speaking through other people. I'm rarely ever sure because some people just speak the language of hope for "optimism's sake". I don't want unfounded optimism, I want truth.
The whispering of nothings yet they are sweet all the same, because when they come from Him they are everything.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Expect Miracles
I have been cleaning out my craft room, trying to weed out the supplies I'll never use, especially since in my workshops I have to use the product of my company only, leaving a lot of my paper and trinkets useless for that. I looked in my little jewellery storage box, where I store pieces I'd love to create jewellery with one day and found a charm exactly like this I had long forgotten about.
In the moment I looked at it I knew this was the attitude I needed to take on for myself, in every day life, but in particular, with motherhood. So I'm going to turn it into a bracelet, having it around my wrist to see it's message anytime I need it.
Apparently this is already quite the popular idea, since a Google search returned many types, such as the one above and these:
Personally I was thinking of using some wine colored shells I have, because wine is the color of the string bracelets used by the infertile community, but now looking at this last 'Forever Faith' bracelet and the meaning behind it, I am even more sure I want to use the color wine as a reminder Jesus turned water into wine. I'll post a picture here once I have it completed.
I don't know what a miracle in my life entails, what it will look like. Maybe I'll receive the miracle of a tremendously fulfilling purpose without children. Maybe I'll receive the miracle of children. Or something else, somewhere between those. In my last post I felt I wasn't going to be a recipient of a miracle, but that's because in my narrow mindedness a miracle meant a biological child of my own. But the person who created this charm didn't just mean the miracle of birth, especially not the miracle of barren to birth. They meant all the miracles God can bless us with at any moment, in any situation, at all odds. And that's the kind of miracle God wants me to expect, the kind he is in control of, the kind that follows his plans, not mine.
His ways are higher than our ways. I have to start thinking outside the box, as much as I try not too, I sometimes put God in my short-sighted, ignorant and small box. When I get these insights into how big my God is, that box I put him seems as small as a mustard seed. But he says even that much faith is enough. Everything is possible for one who believes.
Apparently this is already quite the popular idea, since a Google search returned many types, such as the one above and these:
I don't know what a miracle in my life entails, what it will look like. Maybe I'll receive the miracle of a tremendously fulfilling purpose without children. Maybe I'll receive the miracle of children. Or something else, somewhere between those. In my last post I felt I wasn't going to be a recipient of a miracle, but that's because in my narrow mindedness a miracle meant a biological child of my own. But the person who created this charm didn't just mean the miracle of birth, especially not the miracle of barren to birth. They meant all the miracles God can bless us with at any moment, in any situation, at all odds. And that's the kind of miracle God wants me to expect, the kind he is in control of, the kind that follows his plans, not mine.
His ways are higher than our ways. I have to start thinking outside the box, as much as I try not too, I sometimes put God in my short-sighted, ignorant and small box. When I get these insights into how big my God is, that box I put him seems as small as a mustard seed. But he says even that much faith is enough. Everything is possible for one who believes.
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