Pangs

After feeling like I've been in a very good spot about being childless, the whole 'gaining acceptance of my infertility' thing, yet having the 'hopeful, nothing is impossible with God' outlook, I was surprised to still get a the 'pangs' as I call them.
The pangs are somewhat like an old injury, where occasionally, an old pain flares up bringing new pain out of the blue. It's not very often anymore but occasionally when I see a pregnant woman I get a tiny pang. When I hear about someone I know who is pregnant, it doesn't even matter the circumstances anymore because I know their baby is part of God's plan, but I still get a tiny pang. But this week I was just hit with a big pang!
When my husband and I got married, and children were but a pipe dream, our circle of friends was our very small Church. The core group, other than my parents who also attended, was three married couples other than us, only one of which already had two children, the other couples did not, and then the six single people, so 8 childless 'families' like us. Since then, four of the singles have been married, and one of the marrieds was re-married, and all but one (in addition to us) of all the couples have had at least one child, and 4 of them are/were due between June, July and August this summer! Two out of those couples having a baby have been married less than a year!
I just found out about the last one this week, and had not heard one word before then (although we're friends on Facebook), that she's due any day now. And a big pang hit. It had nothing to do with them, but it was just the....wham, wham, wham....and oh wait, we're not done yet....wham! It was just the realization that out of our group of 11 'families', and actually only 9 of which weren't already done having children, we are now 1 out of 4 that don't have any children and that's probably only because 2 of those 4 are single and the other couple are 'jet setters' and I don't even know if they want children.
I feel a bit like the ugly duckling, like as long as I'm with other swans, I feel like I'm just one of the bunch, and I feel better about myself, but as soon as I'm around the ducklings I feel like I'm the cursed 'pittied' one. I know that I should be able to see the bigger picture, and know I'm a swan and it doesn't matter if I'm around ducklings or puppies or larvae, I'm still the same, I'm no better or worse based on who I'm surrounded by.
I thought I was in the 'place', but I guess I'm not, and so I continue to work on giving my emotions to God so that these pangs do not become a pain.

I am who I am, baby or not

I received a book from my dad called "I don't need a baby to be who I am". I don't know what I was expecting but it was better than I thought. Although, it had a more feminist and a new-agey feel that made it hard to connect with everything she was saying, it also did connect with something I already have been beginning to feel. There are many children already born in this world that I can help in ways a mother can't, and that I have a place in shaping this world, I am a part of the 'village' it takes to raise these children.
Just because I don't have my own children to devote my time to right now doesn't mean there are not children I could be devoting my time to. I could be sharing the immense love I have with other people's children (and I have been, both with my neices and nephew as well as in the nursery at Church). I could be sharing my wisdom and experiences in life to help young girls before they make the bad decisions I did. The opportunity may even present itself to us to foster children, it's a thought we've tossed around.
I think the biggest thing I've been learning right now is that regardless of what God has planned for me in these childless days right now, the plans are the same for me whether children are in my future or not. His plans don't change for me just because I don't know what the future will hold, because He knows my future! Maybe I'm delaying children by trying to 'force' them into being now, yet no matter what I do I won't be able to change His plans for me, so why not just focus on participating in His plan and let it unfold the way He's meant it to be. If I feel the need to love children in the mean time, there are plenty to choose from.