I am blessed that Kristy and I share the same desire to walk alongside other women so that no one ever has to feel the loneliness we both faced respectively. We met because we wanted to use our experiences to support other women and now we share an online Facebook support group for those facing fertility struggles, called Faith-Filled Fertility. I am so encouraged by your story and by your passion Kristy, thank you for sharing!
We have the famous ‘unexplained’ label which was the worst part. It was hard to fully grieve and have finality when there was always a chance. We were married for 10 years before we became parents through the miracle of adoption. I don’t know if I can mark the exact dates of ‘trying’ per say, as I still technically deal with infertility. We have now been married for 14 years and have two kids through adoption.
Where are you at in your journey today?
I love being a mom to my two miracles. I definitely had to walk through a real grieving process before I got the point of choosing adoption. It’s something that I had to walk through for me and for my children. I didn’t want adoption to be my ‘second’ choice, but my first – so I had to grieve the loss of biology and experiencing pregnancy. I would still love more children, but would at this point, rather adopt than conceive… crazy to hear myself say that now… it’s been a long journey, but God is so good. He has worked very hard to heal those places. It isn’t always easy. I struggle with not having a ‘choice’ to grow our family – adoption is NOT easy and NOT guaranteed. As well as missing out on the first part of my kids lives.. that was tough too. I still feel a little bit of something, I don’t know, maybe it’s longing, when I see pregnant ladies and newborns. It is something I live with – infertility, but it no longer defines me the way it did in those dark years. It is something that God can now use in me to reach out and support others. It has changed me, but for the good.
What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?
The hardest is being so misunderstood. I sometimes wished for a broken arm, an outside pain or hurt – just so others could relate, or offer their sympathies. It wasn’t a ‘real’ loss to the people around me. It was something to ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from. That was so painful.
How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?
We went through a really tough time. When I was in the depths of the grieving, he was just trying to ‘make it better’, but couldn’t. We really needed help at that point. We did go to counseling. I’m proud of that and not ashamed to shout it from a mountain top... if you are going through a hard thing – GO TO COUNSELING! It rocks!!! Communicate!!! Read books about it together so that he can understand the woman’s side from other sources other than his crazy wifeJ Find someone for your husband to talk/relate too. (Mine is always open to chat and support!) and continue to just take days OFF – just do fun stuff that makes you laugh!
What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?
I guess the whole ‘woman’ thing. Just not always feeling like a ‘real’ woman because my body didn’t do what it was supposed too. That my kids are any less mine because they didn’t grow in my belly, but in my heart instead. So much is geared towards ‘normal’ families, that sometimes we feel left out. But we know that God knows, He created me to be who I am and is using me just the way I am. I am no less and neither are my kids any less wholly mine.
What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?
The unknown. Fear that I would never be a mom. As well as little by little my world got smaller and smaller. Everyone around us had growing families and started moving on with life. It was a very lonely time.
What was the biggest surprise about this journey?
The new friends and relationships along the way. We have ‘infertility’ friends, which really become the deepest of friendships as you journey together, learn, cry and celebrate together. We also have our ‘adoption’ and ‘foster’ friend circle too. And most of all the kids that God gifted us with.
How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
Go learn something new. I took photography courses, had creative nights (oh how I miss those nights … ha ha) Do things you love. Serve. Go deeper with God.
What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
The hardest part of it all was the ‘unexplained’ and that nothing we tried worked. Going through all of the testing, surgeries and sitting in fertility clinics only brought me deeper and deeper into darkness and hopelessness. It was an extremely excruciating and desperate time in my life. Every month I felt like my dream of becoming a mom was being crushed. I felt real loss every month, even though I never had a ‘tangible’ loss. It was so lonely and isolating. It is one of the reasons I want to speak out today, because I don’t ever want another woman walking the journey to ever feel alone.
What was the best and worst advice you received?
I think if it was advice... it just stung. But anyone who sympathized, prayed and offered a shoulder was so appreciated. The best was always someone who had walked it, but I did have friends who could just listen and empathize. They didn’t have to fully understand the journey, but just acknowledge the pain, and that was a true blessing to me.
What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?
You are NOT alone! Call me. We will go for coffee. I will give you my e-mail. We will do this as a community. HUGS!
Would you have done anything differently?
Yes. And No. ha ha. It’s hard to say. In one sense I know that I couldn’t have moved through the grieving any faster, but if I knew the other side I wouldn’t have gone so crazy. I usually say it’s not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy nor is it a journey that I would prevent from my best friend. When you can feel the deepest pain, you can also experience the greatest joy. There is NOTHING like stepping off of a plane with a child you waited and prayed for, for YEARS. NOTHING. It made me who I am and my family looks the way it does because of it. Hard. Yes. Never want to do that again. Oh yeah. But change it? Nope.
What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
My amazing Jesus. His goodness, His new mercies, His redemptive power. AND. Meeting other strong, courageous, beautiful, wonderfully made, amazing women who have not only survived through this journey, but thrived. Who have not moved ON, but moved forward with grace, dignity and boldness. Being understood and giving understanding. I love all of you!
