Seeds are being planted...

Well, the last several months have been spent (and I AM literally and physically spent) trying to disconnect from one love and stay connected to another and finally things are starting to seem better.  As per my 'breaking up' post I've been doing everything and anything to keep from hoping again, and I'm pretty sure I'm out of love with TTC (trying to conceive), I'm really finding it easier to let it be and consider that any children I may have will be supernaturally given to me.  In the mean time I've been struggling to stay connected with my husband, which may happen to a lot of couple's when hit with infertility, but considering my husband wasn't very invested in having children anyway, I thought it was the opposite of what should have happened.
Since April, when we STTC (stopped trying to conceive), my hubby has gradually been more distant physically and emotionally, seemed to get more irrate and aggrevated than usual over less than usual, and I've been playing a guessing game with him these last months trying to resolve whatever it was that went wrong.  It was getting worse and worse these last few months and something he said actually triggered an anxiety attack in me last week and I forced him to face how he was behaving because the anxiety attack just would not lift until it was resolved.  Finally, being forced to think about it and answer for it he realized it had to do with not being able to have a baby.  That is the LAST thing I would have thought was troubling him!!  An anxiety attack was not fun but if that's what it took to start resolving the emotional barrier that had been growing between us then it was worth it!

The even stranger part of this is that 3 other people have since mentioned TTHC (Trying To Have Children) to me in 3 different aspects, almost completely unprompted as I usually avoid the subject like the plague, and 2 of the people I have never had a conversation about TTHC ever before, and the other one had kind of stopped asking.  I have a feeling God's at work here but I'm not getting my hopes up for how.  One thing I do know, I have declared any conception I am blessed with will be supernatural motherhood, and one of the above conversations was about a book, Prayers And Promises for Supernatural Childbirth.  He's planting seeds, we have yet to discover what kind.

Infertility is like a bad break up

Infertility is like a bad break up.  You were once in love and dwelled on this love just about every day, then the love betrayed you but it was SO much a part of your every day life that you can't just stop loving it.  You run back to the love because giving up hope just seems wrong.  Only to be hurt again.
And again. 

AND.

A.

GAIN.

The only way to get over it is a clean break, cutting out EVERY reminder, avoiding ANY mention of it.  Cut it out until you can't even think of the good times anymore, because that's what makes you run back.
Then one day you wake up and realize you are ready to fall in love again....with something else.

Things I Used To Love That Now Make Me Sick

The TLC channel. I used to watch this channel all the time, if nothing good was on I could always find something interesting here. Now I just can't handle all the shows about babies/children, it feels like a punch in the gut to even see them all in the T.V. Guide, never mind!

Silence is Golden

Recently I've subscribed to some feeds on Facebook re: infertility, and one post asked "What do you wish people would say to you instead of just relax and it will happen?" The majority of the answers were "I'd rather people didn't say anything at all." Most of them told tales of people who don't know first hand the pain that comes with infertility, and their uninformed and glib advice was more hurtful than helpful. So I found it particularily interesting when I read this passage from Job yesterday, Job responding to his friends and their so-called advice, especially considering my last post about 'being like Job.'

Job 13:2, 4-5
"What you know, I also know; I am not inferior to you....You, however, smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom."

Luckily most of the people in my life have not needed to be silenced :) but for those who fumble, feeling you have to say something, believe me, all the best of what you want to convey, and all the support I want to feel is best expressed in a hug.

The YoYo

Am I the only one who feels a little like Job? Like there is a bet between God and Satan and Satan is allowed to do whatever in order to get me to curse God? I wonder this every time I'm late. This is the greatest weapon he's got against me right now, because there hasn't been anything that has made me so emotionally selfish as the feeling of crashing from hopefulness. And there is no time of greater hope than being 4+ days late.
At 1 or 2 days, I'm still kinda...'aren't I due about now?' because I purposfully forget my schedule these days. Then at 3-4 days, I've checked the calendar to be sure, and I'm coming up with reasons why it's late that are 'normal' (for me anyway). But as I'm getting further into day 4, the thoughts start to creep in, no matter how much my mind tells my heart to shut up. And I dwell on a thought, for just a moment, and it makes me smile for a brief second before I shut it down, but that's all it took and hope has creeped in too. Hope multiplies fast, even in just a few hours.
5 days is the latest I've been since 'the decision'. I did better this time, telling myself everything and anything to stop the hope. Then I saw a pair of cowboy boots on a little kid at a country concert we went to, and they reminded me of a few years ago when Sean found these teeny cowbaby boots at the Forks, and the look of giddyness he had when he showed them to me, declaring our baby HAD to have these once he/she came along. It seems the instant I have hope is when it gets ripped from me. Which is why it makes me feel a little like I'm a toy. A YoYo, up and down, up and down. And quite frankly it's not nearly as fun as the ride, I was just on at the fair, of the same name. Makes me feel like I'm a YoYo **points finger at self and motions 'crazy'** for hoping. But at least I'm not cursing.

Give Peace a Chance

Philippians 4: 4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I have to admit, I have rarely, nevermind ALWAYS, been rejoicing in the Lord for the last several days. I don't know why but all of a sudden I lost the 'peace that passes understanding' that I have managed until now. Lately I've been 'stabbed' repeatedly by IN-MY-FACE examples of what I don't have, and so I've been consumed with the desire to grieve what I'm trying to let go of, but yet I don't know how to balance that with "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10 and "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

Am I not allowed to feel loss and sadness? Am I not allowed to grieve the death of a lifetime worth of dreams? I don't know where to draw the line between being selfish and responding in a way that will glorify God. I'm not so much asking 'why me?', or questioning God's purpose for me, but the envy is creeping in for experiences I won't get to have and it makes me want to throw myself a pity party.

Trouble is, that is not what my mind should be dwelling on if I want the peace I had only 2 short weeks ago. I don't want to feel petty, or pathetic, or like I'm trying to get pity from others, but is that all my sadness comes down to? Isn't there anyway to have one without the other icky baggage? I want to 'just get over it' but somehow I feel like that's not all that healthy either.

ABC Meme

Sometimes I find myself looking for an excuse to just vent about all I, and my body, have been through the last few years....here's a meme I created to do just that, in a not so depressing way :)
Artificial: artificially regulated ovulation, for a short while
Basal Body Temperature: could never keep track of it
Cycle Day: stopped keeping track of it
Diagnosis: technically unexplained infertility, was told to lose weight due to elevated estrogen, had to SELF diagnose tipped uterus from family history and Dr.'s comments
Emotion Today: less-lonely
Fertility Treatment (s): drugs, weight loss
Genetics: mom and both sisters have tipped uterus, mom and 1 sister took 4-5 yrs to get pregnant, 2 aunts with fertility issues
Hormones: elevated estrogen that I successfully, and naturally, lowered by losing weight
Insemination: au natural
Jealous of: women with husbands who want a baby just as much as they do
Kids: 2 neices and 2 nephews
Length TTC (Trying To Conceive): 4 years 5 months
Miscarriages: possibly 2, unconfirmed
Not Trying: surgery, surrogates, adoption, drugs (anymore)
Ovulation: now 28-30 days, was 30-42 before weight loss
Plan B: child-free life, supernatural motherhood (any situation God, and God alone, might bring me to 'mother' in)
Quitting: obviously, alcohol....every other 2 weeks anyway, obesity....just another 15 lbs and I'm in the acceptable weight range for my height
Rx(s): was on Chlomid, Metformin
Semen Analysis: count, motility, etc. all good
Tests: hormone tests, demonstration of ovulation, skipped HSG after 4 unsuccessful attempts to schedule, and of course many pregnancy and ovulation tests :)
Unsuccessful Treatment (s): all of them, although I quit drugs after a few weeks because wouldn't be able to tell if body had corrected estrogen due to weight loss or because of drugs
Vice for Coping: faith most times, but on days when I don't have enough of that, food (especially ice cream) and Arbor Mist
Willing to Try: possibly fostering, it's the only situation we've discussed and didn't feel the need to rule out
Xpecting: one day to find joy in being child-free
Years Old: 33 next month
Zero: times it's worked when someone says "usually if you do _____ that's when you get pregnant".

If you feel so inclined to partake in my meme, feel free to post my graphic and leave a comment linking to your own ABC meme. Thanks for reading!

Fertile Friendships

In my wrestling with the labels I'm trying to get comfortable with (i.e. infertile, child-free) I decided to seek out some support and have started searching the interweb for people like me. Not that 99% of my real-life relationships haven't been supportive and encouraging and a blessing, but there's just this small barrier of 'not understanding'. I seem to need a LOT of understanding right now.

It's knowing as much what to say as what not to say, and when, and most importantly, why. It's needing to know I'm not alone. Even sharing this common thread with just one person in real life would be so nice right now, but since I don't wish 'involuntary child-free living' on anyone, I have to look somewhere, and so I turned to the blogging community. And there they are, in abundance. My side bar is now home to places I can go when I'm ridiculous, and irate, and hopeless, and hopeful.

That being said, I've realized opening myself up on this topic on the interweb doesn't come without a price. In my searching today I found some posts about the negative reaction society can have towards the child-free, even so-called friends. Thank goodness I have not come across such heartless inconsideration for my experience, but who knows if things will stay that way now that I'm more visibly joining this particular World-Wide Web community. Considering my sensitivity has it's cycles, pray that I can have a thick skin should I encounter any such feedback. Overall, I feel being part of this community will be much more fertile ground for healing than not.

Joy to Me

My ridiculousness continues.

There have been so many men I have seen or heard about lately whole-heartedly loving on their children. Their deep, deep, love for kids also makes me cry.

Not. with. joy.

Lori really needs to get her joy back.

Irate and Irrational Infertilness

I know I'm being ridiculous. Which is why I won't say this aloud to anyone. But I'm internally in turmoil. Over something SO petty.

First, a little background info. When we first started trying, a friend of ours ,who also happens to be a doctor, recommended I stay away from cat litter (not the actual litter, but it's other contents) due to Toxoplasmosis even if we're just at the 'potentially pregnant' stage known as trying. He knew we had a cat and suggested my husband be the one to change the litter. Easy enough to avoid. It's been almost 5 years I've been free of this task (not that I really minded it since I'd owned cats for almost 9 years before that) but I've taken for granted this job exists by nature of having a cat.

Now, to the current situation. I have a friend who is fairly new to our city, she doesn't have a lot of local friends and she's on a work trip for 3 weeks and needs someone to feed her cat and change it's litter during that time. She does have 2 room-mates, however one is also gone those 3 weeks, and here's the kicker, her other room-mate just found out she is pregnant (with a guy she left her husband for less than a year ago - not that that should matter) and she can't touch the cat litter. My friend's few other friends are not really cat people, one is even allergic, so originally I thought nothing of helping her out. Then I realized taking care of the kitty means a litter change. I'm not supposed to touch litter. Then I realized I'm not going to get pregnant. I can touch litter.

Why do I have to change the litter and Ms.Room-mate can't!!!! **tears flowing** It's not fair!!!

How ridiculous am I? I thought I was SO past this "jealous of other pregnancies" thing.

Don't Stop Believing

My sister's newborn son, a son they thought they'd never have naturally, a son a doctor thought might not make it past 6 weeks in-utero.

This is reason enough to believe in miracles, another reason to trust God.

Live by Faith not by Sight

If I lived my life solely based on the world I see around me I would likely be a bitter and angry woman. Did you know 49% of the pregnant women (US statistic) walking around did not intend to get pregnant, weren't even trying. Half of those women will get abortions. 13% of those unintended pregnancies are teenagers. 1/3 of children (Canadian statistic) experience child abuse or neglect.
These statistics do anger me, but knowing these women/parents are able and 'allowed' to get pregnant while I, a person who wants to have and raise a child who will be loved as God loves me, can't have children, could lead me to live quite a bitter and angry life.
The world tells me it's my right to have children! It's my right to selfishly spend thousands of dollars I don't have pursuing motherhood. It's my right to pursue motherhood even into an age that is not fair to my children. I shouldn't ever give up my pursuit of motherhood because it's my right, or I deserve it, or because I would be good at it.
But motherhood is not a right, it's a blessing, it's a gift, it's a purpose. It is something I can not demand and don't have claim to. I can pursue and purchase motherhood no more than I can pursue or purchase a spiritual gift. It's not my right to pursue discernment or healing when my gift is encouragement and faith.
I recently found out I do indeed have the gift of faith through a spiritual gifts course. It's something that I hadn't really thought about myself, but answering the questions it totally sounded like me. I think back to 4.5 years ago when I first wanted to start trying to have a baby and faith was definitely something I lacked. I exercised every tool and resource in my reach and control to make a baby happen. I was very afraid of never having a child. But through the struggle I was shown I never had an inkling of control... and trust began to grow. And I was shown my purpose has been my purpose since before I was born, it will not change because of what I do or don't do, and my faith really began to grow.
Infertility is one of the hardest things I have ever been through, knowing this is the way it is supposed would be even harder if I lived 'by sight', but living 'by faith' has made it acceptable. Actually more than just acceptable, I'm even warming up to the idea of all He can use me for without having children of my own, and how He can use me to bless children already in my life.
Living by faith allows me to be me because it allows God to be God, trusting him allows him to work in and through me, allowing me to live my best life.

Stop

The last 51 months has been nothing like I thought it would be.

Aside from the fact my body can't/won't/doesn't want to get/stay pregnant.

Aside from the monthly dissappointment.

Aside from the weekly reminders that hopes other than my own are not being fulfilled.

Aside from the rollercoaster of a possible solution, a failed attempt, a possible solution, a failed attempt, etc., etc., etc.

Aside from all that hurt, there is a bigger hurt.

The pain is that it's my body alone, it's my dissappointment alone, my feeling failure alone, my chasing hope alone.

This journey was not meant to be done this way. Alone.

But this is how I was made, and Sean is the way he was made, and so choosing this journey seems to have been choosing something that was not meant to be.

And so......we stop choosing it. We stop chasing it.

Willing isn't the same as wanting
Hope for destiny is not hope with desire
It's not just a purpose, it is a passion
Your happenstance is my heartbreak

I wanted to be united in blood
Deeper in love
This pursuit has made me prone
To pursue this alone.

Dreaming my dreams

I'm the kind of person who has had very bizarre and often dark and scary dreams, occasionally they have been a forshadowing of what is to happen in real life, luckily not a lot though. Since July I have had nary a bad dream and a lot of good, although still sometimes strange, dreams.


In November though I had a dream that I felt very strongly telling me something, even though the dream itself wasn't concrete. I dreamt that an aquaintence, who is not even dating anyone, got pregnant. I went to visit her in the hospital after she had the baby and asked to hold the baby, which she did very willingly yet somberly. I held this baby with mixed emotions, partly joyous for the precious life I was holding, partly full of sorrow. Not for the circumstance in which the child was born. Not because it wasn't mine. It was because I knew I would NEVER hold my own. I did not want to let go, but then the mother said, "It's time to let her go," and I knew it wasn't a protective request, or visiting hours are over request, or really about her at all. I just KNEW she was giving me an opportunity to act out a good-bye with the child I'll never have. It was time to let my dream of a child go.

Now, I wasn't about to take that as a concrete sign, but it did water a seed already planted.


Then, two weeks ago today, I had a dream where I was hugely pregnant, sitting in a waiting room desperately hoping Sean and my doctor would arrive shortly before the baby decided to come! All of a sudden my parents and deceased grandma are there, which I wasn't happy about because they beat Sean, and even the baby....this was something for us alone, until after the baby was born. Next thing I was giving birth, quickly and painlessly (most definitily a dream!), and I was holding a baby boy, in a blue sweater and blue cap, then I carried him out of the hospital in a brown paper shopping bag and had to get home quickly to update my Facebook status to "Lori had a baby boy!" Way too many dream factors to take seriously, but it kind of balanced out the other dream at least.


Then, a week later, I was praying for my husband, asking God to show me how I can help him this year and I asked for my answers in dreams. God blessed me by jumping through my hoops to prove my dreams were from Him, but I couldn't quite grasp why, and in answer to my why I dreamt of a positive pregnancy test and nothing else. Considering God gave me signs I asked for to prove the dreams were from Him, I began to seriously question the possibilities of what that dream meant.

Two days later my period is late. Three days later it's later than it has been in over a year and a half. Three days later I'm a week late, I haven't been this late since December 2007. One day later, I'm definitely NOT pregnant.

Considering all the possible variables for what my dream from God meant, I didn't hope too hard, but just hard enough. So I hurt again, I let go again, I dream again.