In vain or meant to be?

Well, with a future as parents still uncertain we still found ourselves in the prediciment of whether to make some decisions as "potential parents" or as "forever just a couple". The housing market where we live has been going crazy, consistently rising in leaps in bounds over the last year and we're concerned that if we don't upgrade from our not so kid friendly, two bedroom house now then we won't be able to afford to when and if our family grows.
Already we know we're going to have to pay more than twice what we've paid for our current house, for less than twice the space, and we're not really sure how much we can even get for this place, and if we'll be able to afford the difference in cost.
We were already paying a substantial amount for the Jeep Compass we decided to buy last year, which made our budget a little tight at the time. One hard winter in the little Ford Contour we had before that and I knew I didn't want to subject myself to anymore driving in winter without 4x4, nevermind eventually with kids in the back seat. I was worried enough for our own safety, I can't imagine how paranoid I would have been with children. Not that our Contour was in bad shape, it's just the way our roads get, but add on to that the idea of precious cargo....heck, I drove my first neice home in that Contour on a beautiful, balmy day in October and I drove SOOOO carefully, constantly on high alert.
So, having that 4x4 peace was worth the extra expense. Now we had to debate if a bigger house was worth that extra expense. We decided to take the chance, and it seems it was the correct choice. After choosing to do some work that would maximize our return for as little cash as possible, and getting a very handy brother-in-law to help us, we ended up selling our house for %160 of the price we paid for it!
Then, of course we had to look for a new house. Judging from the market, $200,000 was approaching the minimum cost of the type of house we were looking for, and was actually the asking price of houses in the area we were looking in (but bidders were jacking up prices like crazy). We knew $200,000 was the most we could managably afford and so we were a little worried, especially after the first few houses we looked at in our price range would need quite a bit of work. We decided to look in an area that was our third choice, and that's when we found a perfect house, and literally everything on my checklist was in this house and it was listed for under $160,000! We made sure to get to know the owners a little, make sure we left a good impression, and when we left our VERY high offer with them the next day (which still wasn't over the $200,000 mark) we again made sure to make small talk and be memorable and someone they'd want to leave their house to. We hoped and prayed this would be our house, but there had been about 10 people viewing the house at the same time as us, and the owners said they had close to 50 people through that first day, so we didn't hold our breath. AND, there was no official closing date, they had two days they said they were accepting offers but they didn't list a "decision by" date. The waiting was torturous, as our house was already sold and we did not want to have to put all our stuff in storage and live in an apartment for awhile. And we couldn't keep looking because we couldn't have two offers out at the same time anyway.
But God blessed us tremendously when our offer was accepted today! It only took 14 days from the time our house was put on the market until we our offer on our new house was accepted! The details all worked out so perfectly, from dates of possession, to amounts of money earned and spent, our new routes to work, our new neighborhood, the potential this house would bring us for raising a family. It was definately meant to be. Maybe a family was meant to be.

It's not easy

It's not easy to share exactly the way trying to have a baby has made me feel. A lot of people don't get it, and that isn't bad, it just means they don't know how to respond and it can get awkward. There are many different emotions this situation brings, most people assume you must feel one particular way but I could be feeling any one of a dozen things. So I instead mostly avoid talking about it, and that's not good either.
It's days like these I really need to vent. I have definately learned over the last 2.5 years that control of our potential parenthood lies in God's hands and so most months I have increasing peace about the future of our family, whether that be two or more members. But it's still not easy.
The days that I have a hard time with are when my period is really late, just late enough to hope. As I've said here before, I realize I was too optomistic when I took a test after 3 days, 7 days, 8 days, 12 days. I've even searched the internet for reasons for late periods and I read about false negatives and that tests can't really be relied on until you are 2 weeks late, but I didn't have a chance to wait that long. Because I had been so optimistic from the 'signs' that I was convinced that I had to have had a miscarriage. I tried to postpone the tests later and later, knowing about the '2 weeks late rule' but I ignored my own warnings to wait until the 14th day to do a pregnancy test because each day past the 7th day late just inflated my hope exponentially. There is no other option other than to crash when you've allowed yourself to get your hopes up that high.
Now, it's happened again, 10 days late and as much as I tried I couldn't help but allow a few hopeful thoughts in. The first 5 days I chalked it up to coming off the fertility drugs, my cycle returning to it's erratic state. But then the words of the doctor played through my head, 'sometimes when people take a break from the drugs, they let go of the pressure to get pregnant, the drugs are still somewhat in their system, and that's when a lot of women get pregnant.' I had enough restraint to not do a test this time but I couldn't keep out all hope. The fall wasn't nearly so bad on the 11th day, but the same questions run through my mind everytime as I wallow in disappointment.
If there are no answers how will I know when to stop hoping? I've had no answers from God or doctors, not a 'you can't' and not a 'you will'. I have my own ideas of when I no longer want to be giving birth (age-wise and health-wise) but that's about 5 years away! What if there never will be a concrete 'yes' or 'no'? How do I survive not knowing until I pull the plug on this myself 5-ish years from now. I feel like I'm hoping too much for something I haven't even been promised, and that that hope might keep me from realizing my purpose. Yet without a clear 'no' can I ever stop hoping? And on days when I find peace that it may be my purpose not to have kids it doesn't last long before I feel guilty, like I might just be being selfish. Like the freedoms we have and would continue to have being childless are selfish. It's being neither here not there that drives me crazy.
Who's to say I won't get answers before those years are up? I know I've been and probably still am being taught something through this. And I'm glad for what I've learned. I just feel like with no answers I'm standing with me feet on two paths, two paths in opposite directions, and because I'm just standing still I'm going nowhere. It's not easy, but no one promised it would be.

Wrestling with control

Although it makes sense to quit the drugs, why artificially make your body do something if you can do it a healthy way, that should be done with or without drugs anyway, but it feels a little less in control this way. I know, am I a control freak much? I know I'm in control of losing weight, but I'm not in control of whether that will work. Of course, I'm not really in control of whether the pills will work. The doctor gave me a prescription for actual fertility drugs in case the losing weight doesn't work, but those are the kind that create twins, or more! That's even more artificiality I'm not sure I'm ready for or wanting. But it's that 'control' issue. I liked feeling like I had a course of action.
Hubby however likes not being in control. He is of the opinion he would be braver about being a father if God was to give us a child naturally, like a vote of confidence from God. So because I love him more than I love the chance at motherhood, I oblige and I am not going to try and get my way, or give him any reason to regret or resent how I handled this issue at this moment. And I really love his respect for the responsibility it is to be a parent, and it's all about his honest desire to give children the best life possible (not necessarily financially, but in raising them right) that is driving him to want it this way. How can I begrudge that?