Infertility Interview #6 - Meet Sara

This is my last interview in my series talking with women who have dealt with or are dealing with fertility struggles, how appropriate that we end with my friend Sara, my first friend who was open about her struggles when we met about 14 years ago. Thank you Sara for sharing now, as you did then, so that we can develop an open and honest culture around our struggles.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

I had bone cancer as a child and was told early on that there was only a small chance I'd ever be able to conceive. We tried for four or five years before we went to the fertility clinic to see if there was any help available. I had to go off of all my hormones for 2 months to see what my body was making it on it's own. That's when they figured out that I'm post menopausal. My ovaries are like that of a 70 or 80 year old woman. My eggs are so old they can't be fertile. Two months of hot flashes and bitchiness to find that out. The only way possible would be with donor eggs, which, in my mind, defeated the purpose.

I mourned for a long time about that. For a long time I was bitter towards anyone who complained about being pregnant; pregnant teens who 'accidentally' got pregnant; super fertile woman who had to double up on contraceptives; and anyone who was bold enough to spout off about getting an abortion.
I had to come to terms with letting go of my bitterness. I was still sad all the time.

Where are you at in your journey today?

Since adopting our daughter my sorrow has dissipated. It hits me a little bit from time to time. But over the last couple of years I have been seeing how God's planning has been in all of this. We didn't know about my heart condition until 6 years ago, and didn't know until the last year or so that it was caused by the chemotherapy I was on as a child. Heart failure caused by that particular chemo doesn't show up for 20 to 30 years down the road. If I had gotten pregnant it would quite possibly been too much for my heart and been fatal for both me and the child. Being able to recognize this has been helpful for letting go of the wishing it might still happen. It's still a little sad to know that we won't have any biological descendants, but it's never overwhelming anymore.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

People thinking it's a lack of sex/mojo that it behind our inability to conceive. Tall boots and a kinky outfit ain't going to make my ovaries go back in time!! Also, my husband is VERY attracted to me and has no problems in the "wanting" me department.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

My husband Jason has been super supportive of everything. He has never been tied to passing on his DNA I suppose. And he loves all babies, so accepting adoption was a no-brainer for him.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

For 10 years people who didn't know would ask when we were planning on 'starting a family'. I just got really vocal about answering honestly. Friends of mine would ask "Why? Do you want to help?" That answer made me laugh. Also, the popular April Fools' joke about being pregnant. NOT COOL!!

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

I suppose my biggest struggle was with trusting God and not losing hope that there was a plan.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

My biggest surprise was with the intense joy that adoption brought to my life.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The fertility struggle has always been tied up with my other health struggles (of which I have a number), so it's hard to say what my highs and lows have been with fertility or what I've done to cope. I've been a roller coaster. There are times when I want to give up completely. More often I just pushed through life. My relief came when I decided to no longer wear a mask but be open and honest with anyone and everyone about how I'm doing and where I'm at with God. Also being honest with God, recognizing that God is big enough to take my ranting and anger and doubts and still love me in the end!! People would be well meaning and tell me to read my Bible and pray, but I was unable to do those things at my lowest. I didn't ever give in to abandoning my communities of faith, but allowed them to help carry my burdens. I felt guilty about it at first until I was made aware of how my honesty was helping to strengthen the faith of others.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Worst advice? See above.... (kinky boots) Best advice? My husband telling me not to worry about a need for him to carry forward his genetics, because he didn't. And his assurance that our parents would be as thrilled with an adopted grandchild as a biological one.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Other women need to know that they are not alone. And there is no failure in not being able to conceive. Everything you feel and how you want to react is completely legitimate. No one can tell you how to cope. You have to find that on your own. But being silent and hiding your struggle WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Stigmas are around because people don't understand. People don't understand because they don't know anything. If we are open and honest it helps all the other women who struggle because we will help end the stigma by process of education. It also helps end the loneliness because then we know who our community is.

Would you have done anything differently?

We would have started working on adoption sooner if we knew then what we know now.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?
Jason and Zoe (our daughter) are my biggest encouragers. They both love me just the way I am and Zoe's curiosity about my situation and how we deal is fantastic. She isn't afraid to talk to others and explain adoption to them, which is fantastic!