I had a moment yesterday. I haven't had one in a long time. Actually, almost exactly a year ago. Not sure what it is about March but this has happened during several of the ten March's I've been waiting through.
It was a moment where I just doubted I'd ever be pregnant. If I truly believe all that God has led me to understand, I shouldn't doubt, but yesterday I couldn't shake the thought...."well, He's never outright promised me anything". And it's probably the hormones talking, because it's that time of the month. And it's probably because my best friend just told me she's pregnant again. And it's probably because I was really hoping to hold my niece for the first time this weekend (she decided she didn't want to make her entrance into the world yet). And none of those things upset me at all, two of them bring me great joy!
Yet, there I was, crying in my car while running errands. Just because the doubt decided to hit me extra hard. I was mad at myself for doubting, I had gotten so good at recognizing how it creeps in and discourages, and I can combat it quite well now. Something God showed me last March during this same battle. He showed me I've been doing such a good job of keeping my eyes on Him, and trusting Him regardless. He showed me He invited me to walk with Him on the waves, not just walk but dance, and that we were! But He's been more silent than usual lately, and a different mothering path has ping'd, far off but still on my radar. And I wonder if He's holding back the truth, that that is my path and I won't get to be pregnant after all. I was torn, between prematurely mourning and shutting up this discouraging voice in my head.
By the time I hopped back in my car last night after errands, I was tired of the heaviness and turned on the radio, channel hopping to find a non-depressing song to listen to, which took almost a full minute, when I heard the familiar chords of a fun song I love. The first words I heard struck like a gong in my chest, and I teared up again, but this time because of God's amazing grace. This song isn't even remotely a song about Jesus, but it spoke something to me what Jesus has told me before:
"Oh don't you dare look back,
just keep your eyes on me"
I said, "You're holding back!"
(s)he said, "Shut up and dance with me!"
Trusting can be oh so hard some days, and on those days it is very hard to be re-directed, to get no answers, to be told to 'just trust'. But, turns out, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed the reminder that Jesus is in these waves with me, and I can fret and sink or I can keep my eyes on Him and dance.
Psalm 30:11 - You have turned my mourning into dancing.
