to laugh at infertility, a good blog for a pick-me-up when there are 9999 reasons to cry because of infertility.
reason #9328
the 30th day of your cycle mantra (or whatever day it is for you)
no, you are not pregnant.
no, that was not implantation spotting.
no, you are not more exhausted than usual.
no, that icky feeling in the morning is not morning sickness.
no, your breasts are not sore because they are filling with milk.
no, the timing 36 weeks from now is not perfect because it co-insides with _______ (fill in the blank).
no, you are not pregnant.
repeat. hourly. until 31st day of cycle (usually).
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Mother's & Father's Day
So, my Mother's day this year was actually not emotional at all. No jealousy from facebook statuses. No left-outness at Church, where they did a shout out to the childless who can still "mentor-mother" (even if they did use a spinster as an example). No over exposure to cute kids smothering their mothers with love. Much better than last year.
Father's day, not quite so good. First the well meaning wishes from a 5 year old, my neice while handing out the first servings of cakes to fathers accidently wished my husband a happy father's day. my sister apologized after, but hubby didn't even really give it a second thought, knowing she was just repeating a greeting that she couldn't understand the deeper conitations of, but he was more impressed my sister apologized.This is the sister who said this and this. She's made great strides.
The actual hurtful part came 2 minutes later when my dad wished him a happy father's day while laughing. I know my dad is not tactful, pretty blunt about things that aren't his business, lacks a little consideration for people's sensitive subjects, but this surprised me.
My dad SHOULD know there is nothing pleasant about Father's day for my hubby. My dad SHOULD know how hard it is to celebrate a day that celebrates what you are trying to be and can't. My dad himself went through 5 years of trying to be a father with no success. Even before 5 years ago my husband never liked Father's day, having had no father in his life since he was 5, and actually losing his father to cancer with no reconciliation 6 years ago. My dad SHOULD know how painful hubby's experience with his father has been, and that the last thing he's ever wanted to do was celebrate a day that celebrates a figure that hurt him so much. My dad himself lost his father at a young age, he has experienced the hurt of Father's days past that were hurtful to celebrate what he didn't have.
I really can't understand where that 'foot in the mouth' greeting came from, what possibly could have been running through his brain that would make him think that was remotely appropriate. Such a small thing, but with a large rippling effect, if only the empathy filter had kicked in.
Father's day, not quite so good. First the well meaning wishes from a 5 year old, my neice while handing out the first servings of cakes to fathers accidently wished my husband a happy father's day. my sister apologized after, but hubby didn't even really give it a second thought, knowing she was just repeating a greeting that she couldn't understand the deeper conitations of, but he was more impressed my sister apologized.This is the sister who said this and this. She's made great strides.
The actual hurtful part came 2 minutes later when my dad wished him a happy father's day while laughing. I know my dad is not tactful, pretty blunt about things that aren't his business, lacks a little consideration for people's sensitive subjects, but this surprised me.
My dad SHOULD know there is nothing pleasant about Father's day for my hubby. My dad SHOULD know how hard it is to celebrate a day that celebrates what you are trying to be and can't. My dad himself went through 5 years of trying to be a father with no success. Even before 5 years ago my husband never liked Father's day, having had no father in his life since he was 5, and actually losing his father to cancer with no reconciliation 6 years ago. My dad SHOULD know how painful hubby's experience with his father has been, and that the last thing he's ever wanted to do was celebrate a day that celebrates a figure that hurt him so much. My dad himself lost his father at a young age, he has experienced the hurt of Father's days past that were hurtful to celebrate what he didn't have.
I really can't understand where that 'foot in the mouth' greeting came from, what possibly could have been running through his brain that would make him think that was remotely appropriate. Such a small thing, but with a large rippling effect, if only the empathy filter had kicked in.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A vision?
Here's my sketch of that tattoo I got in my dream.
Of course, the real artist who sketched it on my arm did much better than I :)
Monday, June 6, 2011
I had a dream
I had a dream the other night.
I haven't had a baby related dream in quite awhile.
It didn't start off that way at all. I dreamt I went to my tattoo artist to get an update on the design she is working on for me currently. When I got there she said her appointment didn't show and she had time to start tattooing me, even if we couldn't finish, she could start it. So I sat down in the chair, didn't even look at the finished design, trusting it to be the one we had discussed in March. We sat there talking as she worked for an hour and as we both realized we had to end the session she brought over a mirror for me to see the finished product. This is what I saw on my arm.
It was a hand drawn sketch, that looked like it had been done in blue, purple and red pencils, of Sean and I facing each other, holding each other's hands and leaning in towards each other for a kiss. But in the gap between us, in the background, was an angel like figure holding a baby.
That is not the design I currently have her working on. What this means I have no idea. But I find it hopeful.
I would really like to try and sketch this now....
I haven't had a baby related dream in quite awhile.
It didn't start off that way at all. I dreamt I went to my tattoo artist to get an update on the design she is working on for me currently. When I got there she said her appointment didn't show and she had time to start tattooing me, even if we couldn't finish, she could start it. So I sat down in the chair, didn't even look at the finished design, trusting it to be the one we had discussed in March. We sat there talking as she worked for an hour and as we both realized we had to end the session she brought over a mirror for me to see the finished product. This is what I saw on my arm.
It was a hand drawn sketch, that looked like it had been done in blue, purple and red pencils, of Sean and I facing each other, holding each other's hands and leaning in towards each other for a kiss. But in the gap between us, in the background, was an angel like figure holding a baby.
That is not the design I currently have her working on. What this means I have no idea. But I find it hopeful.
I would really like to try and sketch this now....
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Timing
Reading the beginning of Luke, where Elizabeth is kept barren until she is very old but then is miraculously made pregnant just before Mary, her much younger cousin, also miraculously becomes pregnant, I saw how God kept Elizabeth waiting to become with child for a reason. How Mary must have needed the company of someone going through the same thing, not exactly the same thing but the child Elizabeth was carrying was also a very special child, a child prophesized to change the course of human kind. There were likely not that many understanding people at that point in Mary's life, being a very young, unwed, mother to be, but Elizabeth was in a unique position to support Mary by being pregnant at this time and only this time in history.
It brought to mind the possibility that God was prolonging my own pregnancy for a similar reason. I still wasn't getting a 'no' to my question of 'will I?' One particular person came to mind as I thought this. I couldn't think of a reason God would want us to be pregnant at the same time, but as a friend pointed out, maybe these thoughts were coming to me for a reason. One never knows.
Well, that particular person I thought of during that moment, I just found out she's pregnant. She found out she was pregnant on the day I found out I was not, after being 5 days late. I haven't been 5 days late in a long time. I guess it doesn't rule out the possibility but the timing of it all doesn't bode well. But who am I to question God's timing. I am still just as ignorant as before, but also still just as hopeful.
It brought to mind the possibility that God was prolonging my own pregnancy for a similar reason. I still wasn't getting a 'no' to my question of 'will I?' One particular person came to mind as I thought this. I couldn't think of a reason God would want us to be pregnant at the same time, but as a friend pointed out, maybe these thoughts were coming to me for a reason. One never knows.
Well, that particular person I thought of during that moment, I just found out she's pregnant. She found out she was pregnant on the day I found out I was not, after being 5 days late. I haven't been 5 days late in a long time. I guess it doesn't rule out the possibility but the timing of it all doesn't bode well. But who am I to question God's timing. I am still just as ignorant as before, but also still just as hopeful.
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