Infertility is not...

I hate it when people ask what options we are exploring for fertility/children, and when I say none I get The look.

The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'

That look.

It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'

Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.

And it's a different kind of craving for everyone.  And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option. 

Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy.  Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy.  I only want chocolate chip cookies.

That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.

Infertility is like getting fired

hours each day spent on tasks that are just unnecessary anymore, what to do with yourself?

pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.

and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'

it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.

it's like starting life over again.

find new things to do, new people to see.

At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.

Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will?  Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

Expecting Miracles...part 2

So I FINALLY finished the bracelet I started way back in February when I wrote this post on Expecting Miracles!

I'm so happy I finally got around to it and can wear it! It's such a small thing but I just can't explain it, it just feels good to wear it, like my faith is little more bolstered now, I've got that extra bit more hope to draw from now.
I love it.