Infertility Interview #5 - Meet Charis

I love reuniting with old friends, and Charis was one of those great reunions a few years ago. God has a surprising way of reuniting people who suddenly have even more in common now than when you were originally friends, and I've been blessed to stay in touch with her and share those 'me too' moments with someone who just gets it. Thank you Charis for choosing to share your story and allowing your experience to help others!

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

We have been trying for 5 years. We still aren't totally sure what the issue is but we know lots of things that aren't!

Where are you at in your journey today?

Physically, we are under care of Heartland Fertility Clinic in the process of determining the barrier to our fertility. Most tests have come back normal and the non-normal ones don't seem to have anyone too concerned. Spiritually, we have confidence in the words and dreams we (and friends/family) have had that we will be parents and so we rest in that. Not that there is NO anxiety or impatience but, as God reminded me not too long ago, He not only knows the plan He has for me but also the plan He has for my kid(s). If I'm not preggers then the birthday He has picked out for my kid isn't 40 weeks from now...yet.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

That I must be devastated when friends tell me they are expecting. I have a hard time going to baby showers (I send gifts but don't go) but I am genuinely happy for my friends who get pregnant. I can hold joy in my heart for them even when I still am sad for my own wait.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

We made the choice before we got married that we want to adopt at some point. We always said that we want to be parents, not that we want to be pregnant. Pregnancy would be awesome but that is not our end goal. We both cope in a similar manner but we find that we have opposite good and bad days. So when I'm internalising and having a cry-fest he supports me. It never feels like patronising though because when he's internalising and dealing with things, I get to support him. We have both passed pretty much all our tests so there isn't "blame". We do find that we need to remind each other of that often though. That we are both apparently fertile, just not together at this point.

What is one way society has made it difficult to feel ‘normal’ or like you don’t fit in?

As a pastors wife I feel that the Christian world is more difficult for me to fit in. No one knows what to do with a pastors wife who isn't a newlywed nor a mother. I get lumped with women 10-15 years my junior at events and there are no devotionals that deal with being a Godly woman without bringing in kids and family dynamics. I find that secular life is easier for me to be my true (currently childless) self in without making other people uncomfortable with my lack.

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

The emotional roller coaster. I've had to struggle to stay in my "numb" space so I don't get overly happy/anxious/etc when I'm a day late.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

That I could find a "numb" space. And also how many of my friends from high school have had this same journey.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Mostly. Spiritually, yes. Emotionally, yes for the past 3 years but not before that. Physically....it's a struggle. Kinda doesn't feel like there's a purpose to that some days.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

The toughest time was about 8 months in to trying when we realised this would be a struggle. I was also dealing with some pretty brutal general anxiety and hubby was working 18 hour days so I spent a lot of time crying and yelling at God. That's when He started talking to me and giving me dreams and sending me friends with specific words of encouragement.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

Best= you are already a parent in your heart. Live like it. Be aware of how you live so that when you bring a child (bio or adopted) into your home, you don't have to change everything. 

Worst= just relax and don't think about it too much. It'll happen when your body is ready. Relax? Don't think about it!!??? That's like telling a kid to not think about the fresh hot cookies that you just out on the table! They can't think of anything else now that you've mentioned it!

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

Relax and don't stress about it.

Acknowledge what you can and cannot control. Take responsibility for the things within your control and find a way to release responsibility for the things that are outside of what you can manage. The stress of trying to control things that aren't yours to control will add barriers to your journey.

Would you have done anything differently?

Maybe not tried so hard to prevent pregnancy for the first 10 years of our marriage. Not really though. We both worked 60-80 hour weeks at jobs that we enjoyed during our 20's and early 30's. We chose that life even though we knew that we might have to wait a bit longer for kids later due to age. We never expected an extra 5-6 year wait but we weren't naive in our choice.

What has been your biggest form of encouragement?

Friends who support us through prayer.