Looking for answers in all the right places

The retreat I mentioned in November has unpackaged more pain than originally thought, and in my search for answers about motherhood, I have found it overlapping with my search for healing from my past. Is there something I haven't done yet, something I haven't resolved, that is interfering? What does God want from me in order to allow me to get pregnant. I feel less and less like there is anything biologically wrong but maybe that's just my resentment speaking. I really don't know.
I do know there is something I haven't done, somethings I haven't resolved. I haven't been truthful with most people in my life about my past and I know now I need to tell them the truth. Not only to help me heal, to allow more real, honest and healthy relationships with my loved ones, and to get rid of the power satan has over me because of my secrets, but also because I've always wanted to use what I've learned to help my children not make the same mistakes. How can I tell them and not tell anyone else. And how can I expect them to learn from me when I haven't fully learned all the lessons myself as long as I'm holding on to my secrets.
So, for me and for my future children, I'm embarking on a truth mission, to tell everyone who knew me when my secret happened, who was affected by my life back then, and also to tell new friends, and help other people learn from my mistakes.
Maybe along this truth mission I will find some answers about my fertility as well.

Hope is lost and hope is found

Do I dare? Oh yes, I do. I take a test on the 7th day, even after saying I wouldn't until the 8th. It's negative of course. As it is on the 8th day. And then the rest goes a little something like what happened in September. Heartache and confusion and frustration and sadness. I am really beginning to wonder why? I feel a little toyed with, like if I'm not going to be pregnant, don't allow me to hope for 7 days, or 3 or even 1. What's the point? I'm just learning to despise hope.
But not for long. The hope returns.
Here's a poem I wrote after this second 'loss' for lack of a better word.

With every other beat, my heart is rushed with hope
In my blood, the desire is entwined with life
There’s no restraining desire’s flow
So I suppress the hope, the double-edged sword
Seeking out validation, wanting hope to be warranted
And the signs found me waiting, trusting
Each an inflating breathe, lifting the hope higher
My dreams becoming heavy with expectation
But I put my faith in familiarity, forgetting
The creator of law is not controlled by law
So my deflating heart rapidly descends,
The weight of reality falls, crushing me
Paralyzing pain and sobs restrict my breathe
Until I succumb to instincts, pulling in air
And strength. Strength to move past
But lacking the courage to wield hope again
Yet the desire in me won’t relinquish to fear
It still holds faith tightly in its grasp
And with another beat, my heart is rushed with hope

To be concerned or not to be concerned

It's been a year, just barely over a year since we've officially been trying to get pregnant. We've hit the year mark. The mark where we can now become officially concerned that we're not pregnant. Surprisingly, I am not as concerned as I thought I would be a year ago. That might have something to do with the fact I'm a day late. Believe me, I have learned not to even get excited for at least 7 more days, but I can't help but hope. Hope is something I just can't shake, even when it hurts and I want to be rid of it. Hope is just too much a part of me.
The other reason I'm may not be that concerned is because of my life right now. I'm very busy with my new job in payroll. It's good so far but I feel like I'm just not the same type of worker as my fellow employees, they seem to think working unnecessary overtime is a sign of a good employee. I'm not willing to do that, even if children are never part of my future, I don't want to live to work, I want to work to live. Well, in this kind of job maybe, if I was self-employed it might be different.
The other thing I'm trying to concentrate on is losing weight again. Through the stresses of the last year I have gained the 15 lbs I lost back. It's a stop/start enterprise, because everytime I think I might be pregnant I halt dieting, not wanting to harm a baby with a lack of nutrients. I know I can't keep doing this because I really do need to lose the weight, I just need to buckle down and stop allowing myself to sabatoge myself when I know I don't have a real basis for quitting.