Infertility Interview #3 - Meet Rolanda

I've known Rolanda for more than 2/3 rds of my life and yet didn't know this part of her story until just the last 2 years. I am so glad she has opened up about her journey because I've received a lot of encouragement and hope from what she's shared, I hope you do to.

How long have you been/were you trying to conceive and what issues are/were you facing?

My story is quite a bit different than the usual infertility journey. I actually conceive very quickly. My first child was conceived with no issues or complications and I carried her to term. All was good. When we conceived the 2nd time, I miscarried at 9 weeks gestation. Miscarriages are very common and even though I was heartbroken I believed it was a normal miscarriage. Then we conceived with our 3rd pregnancy shortly after and I miscarried again. I thought perhaps something was wrong but I didn't really know a lot about pregnancy and miscarriage. I had a doctor's appointment and she recommended having some blood work done throughout my cycle to follow my hormone levels. As it turned out, I had very low progesterone levels in my luteal phase. I was diagnosed with a luteal phase defect in which I would be expected to miscarry any subsequent pregnancies. For my following pregnancies I have had to follow a regimen of Clomid with one pregnancy and progesterone suppositories for the first trimester each time I conceived.

Where are you at in your journey today?

Currently have 5 healthy children and my husband recently had a vasectomy as we felt our family was complete.

What is a common misconception (pardon the pun) you encounter the most about struggling with fertility?

Many people feel that because I am able to conceive and carry to term with the help of medication then I don't qualify as infertile. However, the medical field qualifies me as infertile because I need medication to stay pregnant...in some ways I feel as if I don't really fit into any group when it comes to pregnancy. I can conceive quite easily but my pregnancies are wrought with fears of miscarriage and having to endure gross treatments to stay pregnant.

How do you and your husband cope differently? And how do you work at not letting it harm your marriage?

My husband has been extremely supportive during our pregnancy struggles. He has mourned with me many times over the loss of our 2 babies and shared in my frustration with having to use medications and deal with their side effects. I would also add that I dealt with my miscarriages by creating scrapbook albums for each of my losses. I included cards, notes, poems, verses and ultrasound photos of the babies. Anything that I had to remember that time and those pregnancies went into those scrapbooks. "Trying to conceive" is way more stressful on a marriage than if it "just happens". This was true in our marriage as well. During the TTC stages I had to make a concentrated effort to remain focused on my husband as my friend and partner rather than just a donor. wink emoticon

What is your biggest frustration with this struggle, other than of course the lack of pregnancy?

My biggest frustration with my fertility struggles has been having to use medication at all. Clomid gave me many unpleasant side effects and the progesterone suppositories are uncomfortable to use and also gave me some mild side effects.

What was the biggest surprise about this journey?

The biggest surprise about this journey was my firstborn. Medically speaking a luteal phase defect is always present and should have prevented me from having a normal conception/pregnancy with her. I view it as God's grace to me and His way of giving me hope during my subsequent struggles that I had one child and could look forward to the possibility of more.

How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Looking back on my journey, I probably didn't take as good care of myself as I should/could have. Physically I tried to stay healthy with good diet and exercise, emotionally and spiritually I didn't do so good. I chose to keep my pregnancy losses and struggles to myself until recently. When I miscarried the 2nd time I felt like a failure and that I was doing something wrong. When I got my diagnosis of LPD, I truly felt like it was my fault. I wasn't doing something "good enough" and my body was rebelling against itself. It felt unnatural to have to use medications and I struggled with the feeling that I was playing God vs letting nature take it's course. Because of my struggle with thinking perhaps I was overstepping and taking over control instead of letting God control the outcomes of my pregnancies, I spent less time in prayer and felt further away from God. It was only through encouragement from my husband that I came to think of taking medications as God's way of allowing me to have more children. It changed from a battle in my mind between choosing medications or choosing God, to realizing that ultimately God is in control whether I use medication or not and to trust in Him to allow the medication to work in my body. During my journey I didn't really talk about my struggles because I felt that I couldn't relate to anyone. I am also a very private person and didn't want to broadcast my life. Some of my friends were pregnant during the same time as I was dealing with my miscarriages and it was difficult to see them carry their babies so effortlessly. My sister-in-law ended up having a child 2 weeks before my expected due date (with my 2nd miscarriage) and to this day I still look at him and think about the child I lost being at that same age.

What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

My lowest point actually ended up being one of my highest points. I was pregnant again after my 2 miscarriages and on progesterone supplements when I started having the same symptoms I had with my miscarriages. I was at work and I pretty much fell apart. A doctor friend of mine came to see me at work and ordered bloodwork for me and an ultrasound for the following day. I went home and lay in bed crying and praying and falling deeper into a pit of self-pity and self-loathing. I hated my body because it hated me. I blamed myself and although I had told myself and others that I would be completely happy with just my one child, I knew in my heart that wasn't true. I always wanted a large family and I felt those dreams were over. The next day I got the results of my beta HCG and it was through the roof! I had my ultrasound and it confirmed a viable pregnancy...in fact it showed 2 babies! I was over the moon and felt the Lord's grace again and also the reminder that God is always in control.

What was the best and worst advice you received?

The best advice I received was to take the medication necessary to sustain my pregnancies. I was told this by my family doctor (who is also a believer in God), from an old friend who experienced pregnancies with a luteal phase defect as well, and from my hubby who has always been my greatest encouragement.
I never really received any bad advice, just comments such as "be happy you atbleast have one baby" or "the Lord knows best how many babies you should have", etc.

What is one thing you would want other women just beginning their struggle with their fertility to know?

The biggest thing I would want other women with fertility struggles to know is that your health and any path you take is ultimately in your hands. Take responsibility for your own health care. Find a doctor you trust and ask questions. Be your own advocate in the medical field. As a nurse, I know many things medically that the general population might not. However, it's also probably easier for me to ask questions and seek answers until I have what I'm looking for because I'm comfortable with medical professionals and many of them are personal friends of mine. (the ones I've dealt with personally anyway). I do know from taking with family and friends that many people feel lost or not listened to. My advice is to keep talking until someone listens...even if you have to be a bit annoying! smile emoticon No one else cares as much about your struggle as you do and it's all on you to make sure you get the attention and care you want. Be proactive! Don't wait for someone to do it for you, because you'll be waiting a long time.