Well, the last several months have been spent (and I AM literally and physically spent) trying to disconnect from one love and stay connected to another and finally things are starting to seem better. As per my 'breaking up' post I've been doing everything and anything to keep from hoping again, and I'm pretty sure I'm out of love with TTC (trying to conceive), I'm really finding it easier to let it be and consider that any children I may have will be supernaturally given to me. In the mean time I've been struggling to stay connected with my husband, which may happen to a lot of couple's when hit with infertility, but considering my husband wasn't very invested in having children anyway, I thought it was the opposite of what should have happened.
Since April, when we STTC (stopped trying to conceive), my hubby has gradually been more distant physically and emotionally, seemed to get more irrate and aggrevated than usual over less than usual, and I've been playing a guessing game with him these last months trying to resolve whatever it was that went wrong. It was getting worse and worse these last few months and something he said actually triggered an anxiety attack in me last week and I forced him to face how he was behaving because the anxiety attack just would not lift until it was resolved. Finally, being forced to think about it and answer for it he realized it had to do with not being able to have a baby. That is the LAST thing I would have thought was troubling him!! An anxiety attack was not fun but if that's what it took to start resolving the emotional barrier that had been growing between us then it was worth it!
The even stranger part of this is that 3 other people have since mentioned TTHC (Trying To Have Children) to me in 3 different aspects, almost completely unprompted as I usually avoid the subject like the plague, and 2 of the people I have never had a conversation about TTHC ever before, and the other one had kind of stopped asking. I have a feeling God's at work here but I'm not getting my hopes up for how. One thing I do know, I have declared any conception I am blessed with will be supernatural motherhood, and one of the above conversations was about a book, Prayers And Promises for Supernatural Childbirth. He's planting seeds, we have yet to discover what kind.
Just stumbled across your blog. Thanks for sharing your story. I am walking the fine line of infertility with my husband too, he has such a hard time when he feels helpless, and in this situation we are all helpless in our own strength. Praying for a beautiful new season of marriage for you. Have you read the prayer and promises book, and did you like it?
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Chrissie!
ReplyDeleteYes, men it seems are even worse with helplessness than us, we tend to share it, and share it, until we don't feel so alone, men seem to internalize it, making them feel even more alone. They are action oriented and if there is no action to be done then they feel like a failure. Understanding that has been half the battle for me in our marriage.
I did read the small version of the prayer and promise book, and it didn't resonate with me as much as I hoped, but I did find a few useful prayers that I am modifying in a way I feel led.
Thank you for your prayers, and I pray too that your marriage will only grow stronger through these days of uncertain parenthood.