Fear Factor

1. In just 18 months, at the age of 35, the statistics on the health problems that could be encountered IF I manage to get pregnant are: I am 2.75 X as likely to have a miscarriage. I am 2.5 X more likely to have a baby with down syndrom. 1/3 of my eggs will have chromosomal problems, 0.5% of pregnancies result in chromosomal birth defects. I am twice as likely to have pregnancy/birth complications endangering the child and/or myself. As well as a general 'increased risk' for ectopic pregnancies and premature & low-weight babies.
2. If in fact the 'natural' way is eliminated, the only options left require spending, mostly in the thousands to tens of thousands of dollars, in otherwords, debt in the thousands of dollars. Taking on high debt for high risk, no matter the choice....Canadian adoption=parents have a year to take back child (we know of 2 such cases), International adoption= very high cost, fertility treatments=only takes care of conception, not implantation or surviving the first 4 weeks in utero (typically only 30% successful on average).
3. Cancer has ravaged 66% of the male generation above Sean on his father's side, their 'mid-life crisis' - a fast and vicious killer.  One male cousin didn't even make it past 33 from the same cancer. There is a very real possibility any child of ours could lose their father in the next 3+ years. There is a very real possibility a son of ours could get cancer too.
4. The generational anger that Sean (and his brothers) have inherited, stemming from the kind of poor choices that destroyed lives and whose ripple effects seem unending, makes for a very real possibility of passing this on to our children.

Fears, or anxiousness, whatever you want to name my ever growing list of reasons I'm becoming ok with having no children, I'm torn between allowing these to continue (if they are meant to bring me some comfort being childless) or taking them captive (do not be anxious about anything).
It is difficult to know whether I'm supposed to be 'facing facts' or 'holding on to hope', I have yet to experience any tangible answers, as I have mentioned before.
A new blog I've started following plucked the words right from my heart when I read her post, "I believe God can do miracles, but I am finding it hard to believe he will choose to do it for us. Something in me is telling me that my body is just not going to let this happen. I don't know if it my own pessimism, the enemy, or the Holy Spirit. I don't know whether to believe it or refute it. I wish we just knew one way or the other. I need some black and white. I need a plan, all this grey, and all this "wait and see" feels like such a heavy burden on our shoulders.... I am left desperate for hope. Real hope - and a little perspective."

Am I supposed to be ok with the way things are? Are my anxious thoughts not my own pessimism? Are they the truthful whisperings of the Holy Spirit?

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."