My nephew was born four weeks early by cesarean this morning, and is now in the neonatal intensive care unit. There are all sorts of things that could go wrong, have gone wrong, are bordering on going right or wrong, and so only 4 family members are allowed in to see him until he's released. I won't get to touch or even see him until he's well enough to come home. I've had my sister go in and take pictures of the precious and precarious little bundle of joy so I can at least admire him. I have to settle for photos, but even gazing upon a computer screen that looks like my nephew is a moving experience.
Among the concern, joy is still abundantly present, maybe even more present than at the other two births because of how scary the health concerns are and how fragile his life still is. But all I can do is smile ecstatically when I look at his picture, or talk about him to friends and family.
Yet, it does make me realize, nothing is guaranteed. Even if I get pregnant I could have pregnancy and birth complications, some that could cause death, some that could cause a lifetime of impairment. I could lose the child to SIDS a few months later, I could have my child kidnapped from their school yard, I could have my child die in a car accident their first time driving. Nothing is guaranteed. I used to think, if I could only just get pregnant, all my dreams will come true, but becoming pregnant does not guarantee all those future events can't happen.
I always thought I wasn't the kind of person who could handle a disabled child, but what if that is all I get? Would I rather have none? I don't think I would make that choice. Especially now, looking at my nephew, covered in air tubes, IVs, band aids and bruises. I think he's just as adorable as my two nieces were, and I still long to hold him and love him, just as he is.
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