I had a dream the other night.
I haven't had a baby related dream in quite awhile.
It didn't start off that way at all. I dreamt I went to my tattoo artist to get an update on the design she is working on for me currently. When I got there she said her appointment didn't show and she had time to start tattooing me, even if we couldn't finish, she could start it. So I sat down in the chair, didn't even look at the finished design, trusting it to be the one we had discussed in March. We sat there talking as she worked for an hour and as we both realized we had to end the session she brought over a mirror for me to see the finished product. This is what I saw on my arm.
It was a hand drawn sketch, that looked like it had been done in blue, purple and red pencils, of Sean and I facing each other, holding each other's hands and leaning in towards each other for a kiss. But in the gap between us, in the background, was an angel like figure holding a baby.
That is not the design I currently have her working on. What this means I have no idea. But I find it hopeful.
I would really like to try and sketch this now....
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Timing
Reading the beginning of Luke, where Elizabeth is kept barren until she is very old but then is miraculously made pregnant just before Mary, her much younger cousin, also miraculously becomes pregnant, I saw how God kept Elizabeth waiting to become with child for a reason. How Mary must have needed the company of someone going through the same thing, not exactly the same thing but the child Elizabeth was carrying was also a very special child, a child prophesized to change the course of human kind. There were likely not that many understanding people at that point in Mary's life, being a very young, unwed, mother to be, but Elizabeth was in a unique position to support Mary by being pregnant at this time and only this time in history.
It brought to mind the possibility that God was prolonging my own pregnancy for a similar reason. I still wasn't getting a 'no' to my question of 'will I?' One particular person came to mind as I thought this. I couldn't think of a reason God would want us to be pregnant at the same time, but as a friend pointed out, maybe these thoughts were coming to me for a reason. One never knows.
Well, that particular person I thought of during that moment, I just found out she's pregnant. She found out she was pregnant on the day I found out I was not, after being 5 days late. I haven't been 5 days late in a long time. I guess it doesn't rule out the possibility but the timing of it all doesn't bode well. But who am I to question God's timing. I am still just as ignorant as before, but also still just as hopeful.
It brought to mind the possibility that God was prolonging my own pregnancy for a similar reason. I still wasn't getting a 'no' to my question of 'will I?' One particular person came to mind as I thought this. I couldn't think of a reason God would want us to be pregnant at the same time, but as a friend pointed out, maybe these thoughts were coming to me for a reason. One never knows.
Well, that particular person I thought of during that moment, I just found out she's pregnant. She found out she was pregnant on the day I found out I was not, after being 5 days late. I haven't been 5 days late in a long time. I guess it doesn't rule out the possibility but the timing of it all doesn't bode well. But who am I to question God's timing. I am still just as ignorant as before, but also still just as hopeful.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
"Free"
Even though I really am at peace with the decision to have stopped pursuing treatment, to choose child-free living (while not giving up hope for some supernatural interference in this decision), it isn't quite the care-free living it can appear to be.
When I, and I'm sure others, think of a couple who have chosen a child-free life, I think of the jet setters I know, who have the 'freed up' funds to travel to exotic and/or intriguing places around the globe. I think of the women who dive into their career and climb to great success and fulfillment. I think of the couples who poor their time and efforts into their homes, producing an immaculate, magazine-worthy property.
I have none of those. While I really enjoy my job, career is never something I've been too wrapped up in and would much rather just work to live rather than live to work. And we don't have the money to either zip around the globe nor create the home of our dreams.
I can't say that having those would make this any easier, but it sure would provide some distraction.
When I, and I'm sure others, think of a couple who have chosen a child-free life, I think of the jet setters I know, who have the 'freed up' funds to travel to exotic and/or intriguing places around the globe. I think of the women who dive into their career and climb to great success and fulfillment. I think of the couples who poor their time and efforts into their homes, producing an immaculate, magazine-worthy property.
I have none of those. While I really enjoy my job, career is never something I've been too wrapped up in and would much rather just work to live rather than live to work. And we don't have the money to either zip around the globe nor create the home of our dreams.
I can't say that having those would make this any easier, but it sure would provide some distraction.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Bust A Myth - Every Infertile Follows the Same Script
The challenge "Bust a Myth" is being put out there by National Infertility Awareness Week, to take one of the many myths about infertility and write a post on it, then linking it up to the NIAW site so that it can be read, and spread the truth about infertility.
The myth I chose to bust is that every infertile couple's journey follows the same script, going a little something like this:
If you ever declare you are trying to have a baby then people just don't understand any path that doesn't follow this, like if it's meant to happen just letting it happen naturally without any artificial assistance, or if it's not meant to happen naturally just not having children at all. People seem to think that just because you want to be a parent you will stop at nothing to have the children you desire.
That isn't always the case. Jumping from treatment to treatment is not only physically and emotionally exhausting, it takes a toll on your marriage, your work, your other relationships, your spiritual life, your finances, etc. You can almost completely deplete all those resources pursuing every treatment, and then you think there is something left to raise a baby with?
Personally, I want to have a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy body at my disposal to raise my child with, and a healthy support system of relationships to give my child the best I can. I believe in our case I have to weigh that choice for every treatment option, if I feel it would lead to a life that would actually turn out to be at the expense of our child, which I have weighed and have personally chosen to stop the pursuit of all treatments. I now believe that if I am meant to have a child it will happen completely naturally or super-naturally, and if that doesn't happen we will live child-free. I would rather have no children than tear apart my life in pursuit of one.
If there is one thing most everyone dislikes, not only TTC's or infertiles', it is people who make assumptions about our life, someone who makes suggestions rather than listens (especially if that person has no experience with the issue), and tries to pigeon-hole you into a cookie-cutter outcome and ignore the fact we're all different in so many ways, no two people will have the exact same journey in any area of life.
If you want to learn more about infertility, check this out.
If you want to join the movement, click here.
The myth I chose to bust is that every infertile couple's journey follows the same script, going a little something like this:
If you ever declare you are trying to have a baby then people just don't understand any path that doesn't follow this, like if it's meant to happen just letting it happen naturally without any artificial assistance, or if it's not meant to happen naturally just not having children at all. People seem to think that just because you want to be a parent you will stop at nothing to have the children you desire.
That isn't always the case. Jumping from treatment to treatment is not only physically and emotionally exhausting, it takes a toll on your marriage, your work, your other relationships, your spiritual life, your finances, etc. You can almost completely deplete all those resources pursuing every treatment, and then you think there is something left to raise a baby with?
Personally, I want to have a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy body at my disposal to raise my child with, and a healthy support system of relationships to give my child the best I can. I believe in our case I have to weigh that choice for every treatment option, if I feel it would lead to a life that would actually turn out to be at the expense of our child, which I have weighed and have personally chosen to stop the pursuit of all treatments. I now believe that if I am meant to have a child it will happen completely naturally or super-naturally, and if that doesn't happen we will live child-free. I would rather have no children than tear apart my life in pursuit of one.
If there is one thing most everyone dislikes, not only TTC's or infertiles', it is people who make assumptions about our life, someone who makes suggestions rather than listens (especially if that person has no experience with the issue), and tries to pigeon-hole you into a cookie-cutter outcome and ignore the fact we're all different in so many ways, no two people will have the exact same journey in any area of life.
If you want to learn more about infertility, check this out.
If you want to join the movement, click here.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Trying to be patient
I had big plans
More powerful than a locomotive
Innocent as a flower growing
In the middle of a barley field
I didn't understand
That you could have pockets overflowing with determination
Give it all you got with no congratulations
And still be at the bottom of the hill
Waiting at the station
With the rails laid out before me
Trying to be patient
Hoping it didn't leave
Sitting on a suitcase
Crossing fingers counting the days til it arrived
I was sure that it was coming
But somehow it just passed me by
Oh how could I be so naive
I always thought this train would stop for me
I had a ticket
That was paid for with my hard earned money
I thought that maybe that would count for something
Wasn't looking for a free ride
But nobody mentioned
Sometimes all the passenger seats are taken
The cars are full and it's a rude awakening
When you're left behind
So disappointed... yeah
I never even got to try
Instead of living in the moment
I've been wasting all this time
Friday, March 18, 2011
Don't you hate...
changing PMS symptoms.
had the same symptoms for years, went off the pill, now the symptoms change like every 6-8 months.
really?
like waiting isn't torturous enough, now we have to figure out if the new 'signs' mean anything?
they didn't.
had the same symptoms for years, went off the pill, now the symptoms change like every 6-8 months.
really?
like waiting isn't torturous enough, now we have to figure out if the new 'signs' mean anything?
they didn't.
Friday, March 4, 2011
One person's back breaker is another person's back bone
There are women, and most likely men, losing their faith because they don't understand how the God of their faith could allow for them not to be parents, especially in the face of all those who do receive children and are inflicting abuse and death on children all over our world.
And I wonder, why my faith has been strengthened rather than torn apart?
Well, if there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.
I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, and many others around me are putting him in that box too, but really I don’t deserve anything.
I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and other TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.
There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand, or like, what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not). He just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.
I have finally come to a place where I treasure the relationship I have formed with God more than I treasure children. Certainly, 5 years ago, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, my treasure was having children, above God, above my husband. But no man can serve two masters, for all the love and devotion I placed on having children, it spawned despisment for all the moments God or my husband asked for something opposing. What an aweful thing to say, but it is true. Infertility is the best thing that could have happened for my faith, and therefore my marriage.
But why?
With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me, first in unrelated anxiety, but then in the anxiousness of a dying dream. And God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, the more I petition him in prayer the more peace I have that passes my understanding. And not only is it the kind of peace that is "an irrational sense of emotional calm", it really does surpass understanding, I find I no longer have the need to understand. It's not that I think ignorance is bliss, but when God chooses not to reveal the answers to me that I seek, then I just rest in my trust in my God. It is I who is in a box, with limits on my understanding and reach and power, not God.
And I wonder, why my faith has been strengthened rather than torn apart?
Well, if there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.
I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, and many others around me are putting him in that box too, but really I don’t deserve anything.
I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and other TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.
There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand, or like, what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not). He just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.
I have finally come to a place where I treasure the relationship I have formed with God more than I treasure children. Certainly, 5 years ago, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, my treasure was having children, above God, above my husband. But no man can serve two masters, for all the love and devotion I placed on having children, it spawned despisment for all the moments God or my husband asked for something opposing. What an aweful thing to say, but it is true. Infertility is the best thing that could have happened for my faith, and therefore my marriage.
But why?
With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me, first in unrelated anxiety, but then in the anxiousness of a dying dream. And God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, the more I petition him in prayer the more peace I have that passes my understanding. And not only is it the kind of peace that is "an irrational sense of emotional calm", it really does surpass understanding, I find I no longer have the need to understand. It's not that I think ignorance is bliss, but when God chooses not to reveal the answers to me that I seek, then I just rest in my trust in my God. It is I who is in a box, with limits on my understanding and reach and power, not God.
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