Wednesday, July 11, 2012
it's official
It's official, I will not make my 'deadline' of 'being finished with having children' before I am 35. I turn 35 in 20 days.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Expecting
No I'm not. Let me just get that out of the way.
But.
I have this huge faith that has given me expectation.
So much expectation that I'm filled to the brim.
And I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.
Not.so.patiently.
Because I feel like I'm pregnant with expectation.
But.
I have this huge faith that has given me expectation.
So much expectation that I'm filled to the brim.
And I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.
Not.so.patiently.
Because I feel like I'm pregnant with expectation.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
No news is good news
I haven't written here in awhile but I just wanted to pop in and say that it's not because I'm once again on the descending part of this rollercoaster. I wanted to say no news is good news.....things are the same but I am still hopeful.
I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.
I do have stirrings.
I do have whispers.
I do have 'maybe'.
I do have prayers.
I do have dreams.
Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.
I still have love.
I still have nothing concrete. I still have no answers. But.
I do have stirrings.
I do have whispers.
I do have 'maybe'.
I do have prayers.
I do have dreams.
Where I think there should be pain, only love pours out.
I still have love.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Hope or Presumption
Awhile ago I wrote about 'expecting miracles' and how even though I know and have complete faith God is very capable of giving me a miracle child, I have had trouble expecting that for myself. I wasn't sure I should expect the miracle I wanted, so I expected a miracle in general.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being presumptuous?
Like with healing, I know miraculous healings can and do still happen today, and I faithfully pray for those miracles when I pray for people who need healing. Yet I get this urge to always end that prayer in, 'but your will be done.'
As much as I believe miracles are completely possible, I also know that God has a perfect plan, and sometimes that perfect plan does not include miracles. Not the kind we are asking for anyway.
I think there is a different kind of miracle he does in those circumstances. When all our plans and control fail, we naturally succumb to helplessness....and in that place we can surrender our heart, soul, mind and body to him, he fills the emptiness and heals the brokenness in his perfect way, and anything we thought we desperately wanted, we would gladly forfeit for that relationship we have now. This is the miracle I am content to have received.
Just look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations. Even after a life of obedience that resulted in no external success, even at the end of righting a book all about lamenting his life he said he wouldn't change a thing because of his relationship with God.
YET. Jeremiah has one of the most hopeful verses in all of the Bible, used by many people, including myself, to give themselves/maintain hope. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I finally feel like I'm at a place where he knows I trust his plans completely, I know he has plans to give me hope, not harm. I would completely forfeit my dreams of children if he asked me to, because I want to have that perfect purpose he created me for....not my own. And I want to be in right relationship with him, by being obedient to his will for me. Not that I expect that will be easy. What I expect is that he'll continue to give me the miracle of peace in choosing him.
But.
I don't feel he's asked me to forfeit my own dreams yet. I only feel that way sometimes because of lack of 'results'. But I haven't yet discovered that dream doesn't walk hand-in-hand with my purpose.
And that is why I don't feel presumptuous believing that my miracle could still be mine one day.
So, for now, I am full of hope again.
And expecting miracles that look like children to call my own.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Infertility is not...
I hate it when people ask what options we are exploring for fertility/children, and when I say none I get The look.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
The look that says, 'but if you want a child so badly why aren't you doing anything about it, there are so many options right at your fingertips!'
That look.
It's like they are saying, 'you are starving and there are 7 different meals within arms reach.'
Infertility is not starvation for one thing. It's a VERY strong craving.
And it's a different kind of craving for everyone. And they may think there are several options available to satisfy that craving, but lets say I'm craving a chocolate chip cookie, then oreos, vanilla wafers and oatmeal raisen cookies are not going to cut it, never mind the muffins and cake they also think is an option.
Some people are just craving sweets, any of those options will make them happy. Some people are just craving any kind of cookie, most of the options will make them happy. I only want chocolate chip cookies.
That doesn't make my craving any less real or strong.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Infertility is like getting fired
hours each day spent on tasks that are just unnecessary anymore, what to do with yourself?
pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.
and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'
it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.
it's like starting life over again.
find new things to do, new people to see.
At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.
Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will? Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
pointing fingers is a waste of time, but you've got time to waste now.
and you have to start over, asking yourself, 'what am I going to do for the rest of my life?'
it's really hard to be around old 'co-workers'.
it's like starting life over again.
find new things to do, new people to see.
At a previous job they used one of those corny phrases to let staff know that someone was let go, but in a way that wasn't so harsh, 'we have freed up their future'. That sounded so lame and patronizing back then, but I see that through new lenses now. If the job wasn't right for them and they weren't coming to that realization, it was better that they be released from a situation that would likely hold them back from finding the future they were meant to have.
Which is why I find it hard to pray and ask God for a child, because what if infertility is his way of freeing up my future, for much more satisfying work. Even if I, in this moment, can't fathom that, I know he knows me better than I know myself. I struggle praying for situations I don't know what God's will is yet, do I pray for something even if it might be in vain and not God's will? Or will my persistent petitioning and faith be what moves him to bless me with a child.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Expecting Miracles...part 2
So I FINALLY finished the bracelet I started way back in February when I wrote this post on Expecting Miracles!
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I'm so happy I finally got around to it and can wear it! It's such a small thing but I just can't explain it, it just feels good to wear it, like my faith is little more bolstered now, I've got that extra bit more hope to draw from now.
I love it.
I love it.
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