Why Them, Why Not Me

For every story I hear about a woman who is eventually blessed with a biological child, after years of waiting, wondering, testing, giving up hope, there are far more stories of mothers who are unwed or single, a teenager, or worse, under the age of consent, who not only didn't plan to become pregnant but they don't want to be pregnant.
I have a hard enough time hearing people I care about are pregnant but to have to live in a world where people unfit to be parents are able to so easily, without effort, without any forthought, without any desire, without any love, are given the precious gift of children. That's what tears my heart into a million pieces, because who knows what life these children will have to endure. If they get to endure life at all!
Per year, there are approximately 1.3 million abortions in North America, and 42 million abortions worldwide!! 93% of ALL abortions occur for social reasons , i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient!!! 39 million babies murdered because they were an inconvenience!!!! An estimated 43% of ALL women will have at least 1 abortion by the time they are 45 years old, and almost half of them will do it a second time!!!!!
Let's compare that to the number of women giving their children up for adoption, because everything's relative right? Well, it's pretty hard to even find these kind of statistics, there are none for North America as a whole, the US is at about 121,000 per year right now, there are no stats for Canada or worldwide. From all the info I can see, we could guestimate 4 million adoptions worldwide, and that's probably an over estimate. 10% less adoptions than abortions!! And that's not even taking into consideration that the adoption may not have been because it was an unwanted or inconvenient baby, it could be orphaned children of loving parents, it could be a step-parent taking more responsibility for a child's life. There is no way to know how many of those adoptions are a choice as opposed to abortion.
Why is the precious gift of life wasted on those women? It's hard not to let those stories mulitply the heartache. It's hard not to let those stories get you bitter. It's hard not to get angry. It's hard to see God's plan in all that. I know it's there, it just can get really hard to see sometimes.

What hurts the most

Having a sister who is going through what I am has never been as comforting as it is today. Because my other sister has announced she's pregnant with her third child at our Christmas gathering today. The same day, two weeks earlier, I hoped I'd get to be the one to say those words. And what hurt the most, was for her to say, 'you two only have until March to get pregnant if you want to have kids the same year as my last'. As if it's all up to us. I came very close to bitterly spitting out the lie, "I lost a baby 2 weeks ago", knowing it was probably not true. But it could be. And then maybe she'd see this is not a subject she can so flippantly comment on. Especially considering there are two of us. Two people she obviously didn't see hurting. We weren't sure how it could be missed, times two. But it was.
The saddest part is it took all the joy away from the fact we were going to be aunts again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

So, good news, I got my referral to the fertility clinic. All I have to do is wait for them to contact me with an appointment. They have no idea how long that will take, but it took my sister about a month. It's easier to wait with time frames.
Bad news, I still need the fertility clinic appointment because after another 4 days (so, 12 in total) of being late I got my period. Longest late period yet, and so of course, the most hope I've had built up yet. Of course by day 10 (even with a negative test on day 8) I am imagining getting to tell all of our family at Christmas in some silly 'gift' gag that suprises them with the news. I'm imagining a baby being born close to my birthday, what a perfect gift that would be.
I let myself get far too carried away. Will I ever learn? The pain and bitterness inside me are ugly. I can get rid of it much faster now but it is still not fun.
No tests until 15 days. Seriously this time, I just can't take it anymore.

One giant leap for mother-kind

Finally, the day of my appointment! I know I won't really be getting any answers today, but it's the next step to getting some answers. Today I will only get a referral to the fertility clinic in our city, provided the 'substitute' doctor can glean enough information from my file and myself to warrant that referral.
Oh, and guess what? I'm also 8 days late. With a negative test. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help it, I listened to 'people' who say, once you have the doctor's appointment you end up pregnant. Yeah, yeah. Will I ever learn.

The Waiting Game

After about 6 months I've made peace with the fact I have no regular cycle, so no regular ovulation. I'm very eager to have my doctor's appointment to figure out why and if it can be 'fixed'. Unfortunately, the doctor is apparently not so eager to see me. He's decided to retire and the 'substitute' doctor is only part time so my appointment which was supposed to be today is now postponed until December 4th.
Oh joy. More waiting. I've barely made it this long, I've been counting down for awhile now. But I also realize I have found a lot of peace in the last few months. God hasn't told me that I am not going to be a mother, He allows me to hope and plan and try without showing me any reason not to. I just have to continue to learn, it's all in His hands. That may be the whole reason I have to wait so long to be a mother....to learn that very valuable lesson. And to learn not to be offended by God's choice to teach me that lesson anyway He sees fit, because He knows what it will take for me to learn it. I'm even learning to be grateful to Him for that. I haven't mastered that gratefulness, but I am learning.

Resuming the pursuit

I haven't written in awhile, with my truth mission consuming most of my time and energy (along with starting a new job, the other one proved to be just too stressful...not good for health or baby making). It's amazing what a journey of healing telling the truth can be. I'm finally feeling emotions I've never been able to really feel, and my relationships have become so wonderfully supportive, encouraging, strengthening, uplifting.
It was also actually a nice break from not thinking about trying to get pregnant. I think that was healing as well, not being consumed with lack of control, with heartache, with impatience, with the desire to go to any lengths while hubby was still not ready for that step. It's helped me re-focus that neither he nor I have control of the situation, we might get pregnant tomorrow which still feels a little too soon to hubby, and we may not get pregnant ever which I have had to learn to come to terms with. Only God is in control. Only God can remove whatever obstacle is in our way, and only when and if He wants to remove it. It's not worth worrying about, or attempting to control, it only creates a lot more grief for us.
But I am still chasing that dream. Being a mother still is the closest thing to heaven I can imagine. And as much as I'm not in control, there are still tools God has given us to help us along. Like doctors. It's been a year and a half of trying now, it's probably about time we look to doctors to help us figure out if something physical is an issue. If it is, then it's up to God to show us how to fix it, but we can at least find out if that's the case. I made an appointment to see the doctor, but the earliest I could get an appointment was November! If nothing else, God is certainly teaching me patience.

Looking for answers in all the right places

The retreat I mentioned in November has unpackaged more pain than originally thought, and in my search for answers about motherhood, I have found it overlapping with my search for healing from my past. Is there something I haven't done yet, something I haven't resolved, that is interfering? What does God want from me in order to allow me to get pregnant. I feel less and less like there is anything biologically wrong but maybe that's just my resentment speaking. I really don't know.
I do know there is something I haven't done, somethings I haven't resolved. I haven't been truthful with most people in my life about my past and I know now I need to tell them the truth. Not only to help me heal, to allow more real, honest and healthy relationships with my loved ones, and to get rid of the power satan has over me because of my secrets, but also because I've always wanted to use what I've learned to help my children not make the same mistakes. How can I tell them and not tell anyone else. And how can I expect them to learn from me when I haven't fully learned all the lessons myself as long as I'm holding on to my secrets.
So, for me and for my future children, I'm embarking on a truth mission, to tell everyone who knew me when my secret happened, who was affected by my life back then, and also to tell new friends, and help other people learn from my mistakes.
Maybe along this truth mission I will find some answers about my fertility as well.