Things I Used To Love That Now Make Me Sick

The TLC channel. I used to watch this channel all the time, if nothing good was on I could always find something interesting here. Now I just can't handle all the shows about babies/children, it feels like a punch in the gut to even see them all in the T.V. Guide, never mind!

Silence is Golden

Recently I've subscribed to some feeds on Facebook re: infertility, and one post asked "What do you wish people would say to you instead of just relax and it will happen?" The majority of the answers were "I'd rather people didn't say anything at all." Most of them told tales of people who don't know first hand the pain that comes with infertility, and their uninformed and glib advice was more hurtful than helpful. So I found it particularily interesting when I read this passage from Job yesterday, Job responding to his friends and their so-called advice, especially considering my last post about 'being like Job.'

Job 13:2, 4-5
"What you know, I also know; I am not inferior to you....You, however, smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom."

Luckily most of the people in my life have not needed to be silenced :) but for those who fumble, feeling you have to say something, believe me, all the best of what you want to convey, and all the support I want to feel is best expressed in a hug.

The YoYo

Am I the only one who feels a little like Job? Like there is a bet between God and Satan and Satan is allowed to do whatever in order to get me to curse God? I wonder this every time I'm late. This is the greatest weapon he's got against me right now, because there hasn't been anything that has made me so emotionally selfish as the feeling of crashing from hopefulness. And there is no time of greater hope than being 4+ days late.
At 1 or 2 days, I'm still kinda...'aren't I due about now?' because I purposfully forget my schedule these days. Then at 3-4 days, I've checked the calendar to be sure, and I'm coming up with reasons why it's late that are 'normal' (for me anyway). But as I'm getting further into day 4, the thoughts start to creep in, no matter how much my mind tells my heart to shut up. And I dwell on a thought, for just a moment, and it makes me smile for a brief second before I shut it down, but that's all it took and hope has creeped in too. Hope multiplies fast, even in just a few hours.
5 days is the latest I've been since 'the decision'. I did better this time, telling myself everything and anything to stop the hope. Then I saw a pair of cowboy boots on a little kid at a country concert we went to, and they reminded me of a few years ago when Sean found these teeny cowbaby boots at the Forks, and the look of giddyness he had when he showed them to me, declaring our baby HAD to have these once he/she came along. It seems the instant I have hope is when it gets ripped from me. Which is why it makes me feel a little like I'm a toy. A YoYo, up and down, up and down. And quite frankly it's not nearly as fun as the ride, I was just on at the fair, of the same name. Makes me feel like I'm a YoYo **points finger at self and motions 'crazy'** for hoping. But at least I'm not cursing.

Give Peace a Chance

Philippians 4: 4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I have to admit, I have rarely, nevermind ALWAYS, been rejoicing in the Lord for the last several days. I don't know why but all of a sudden I lost the 'peace that passes understanding' that I have managed until now. Lately I've been 'stabbed' repeatedly by IN-MY-FACE examples of what I don't have, and so I've been consumed with the desire to grieve what I'm trying to let go of, but yet I don't know how to balance that with "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10 and "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

Am I not allowed to feel loss and sadness? Am I not allowed to grieve the death of a lifetime worth of dreams? I don't know where to draw the line between being selfish and responding in a way that will glorify God. I'm not so much asking 'why me?', or questioning God's purpose for me, but the envy is creeping in for experiences I won't get to have and it makes me want to throw myself a pity party.

Trouble is, that is not what my mind should be dwelling on if I want the peace I had only 2 short weeks ago. I don't want to feel petty, or pathetic, or like I'm trying to get pity from others, but is that all my sadness comes down to? Isn't there anyway to have one without the other icky baggage? I want to 'just get over it' but somehow I feel like that's not all that healthy either.

ABC Meme

Sometimes I find myself looking for an excuse to just vent about all I, and my body, have been through the last few years....here's a meme I created to do just that, in a not so depressing way :)
Artificial: artificially regulated ovulation, for a short while
Basal Body Temperature: could never keep track of it
Cycle Day: stopped keeping track of it
Diagnosis: technically unexplained infertility, was told to lose weight due to elevated estrogen, had to SELF diagnose tipped uterus from family history and Dr.'s comments
Emotion Today: less-lonely
Fertility Treatment (s): drugs, weight loss
Genetics: mom and both sisters have tipped uterus, mom and 1 sister took 4-5 yrs to get pregnant, 2 aunts with fertility issues
Hormones: elevated estrogen that I successfully, and naturally, lowered by losing weight
Insemination: au natural
Jealous of: women with husbands who want a baby just as much as they do
Kids: 2 neices and 2 nephews
Length TTC (Trying To Conceive): 4 years 5 months
Miscarriages: possibly 2, unconfirmed
Not Trying: surgery, surrogates, adoption, drugs (anymore)
Ovulation: now 28-30 days, was 30-42 before weight loss
Plan B: child-free life, supernatural motherhood (any situation God, and God alone, might bring me to 'mother' in)
Quitting: obviously, alcohol....every other 2 weeks anyway, obesity....just another 15 lbs and I'm in the acceptable weight range for my height
Rx(s): was on Chlomid, Metformin
Semen Analysis: count, motility, etc. all good
Tests: hormone tests, demonstration of ovulation, skipped HSG after 4 unsuccessful attempts to schedule, and of course many pregnancy and ovulation tests :)
Unsuccessful Treatment (s): all of them, although I quit drugs after a few weeks because wouldn't be able to tell if body had corrected estrogen due to weight loss or because of drugs
Vice for Coping: faith most times, but on days when I don't have enough of that, food (especially ice cream) and Arbor Mist
Willing to Try: possibly fostering, it's the only situation we've discussed and didn't feel the need to rule out
Xpecting: one day to find joy in being child-free
Years Old: 33 next month
Zero: times it's worked when someone says "usually if you do _____ that's when you get pregnant".

If you feel so inclined to partake in my meme, feel free to post my graphic and leave a comment linking to your own ABC meme. Thanks for reading!

Fertile Friendships

In my wrestling with the labels I'm trying to get comfortable with (i.e. infertile, child-free) I decided to seek out some support and have started searching the interweb for people like me. Not that 99% of my real-life relationships haven't been supportive and encouraging and a blessing, but there's just this small barrier of 'not understanding'. I seem to need a LOT of understanding right now.

It's knowing as much what to say as what not to say, and when, and most importantly, why. It's needing to know I'm not alone. Even sharing this common thread with just one person in real life would be so nice right now, but since I don't wish 'involuntary child-free living' on anyone, I have to look somewhere, and so I turned to the blogging community. And there they are, in abundance. My side bar is now home to places I can go when I'm ridiculous, and irate, and hopeless, and hopeful.

That being said, I've realized opening myself up on this topic on the interweb doesn't come without a price. In my searching today I found some posts about the negative reaction society can have towards the child-free, even so-called friends. Thank goodness I have not come across such heartless inconsideration for my experience, but who knows if things will stay that way now that I'm more visibly joining this particular World-Wide Web community. Considering my sensitivity has it's cycles, pray that I can have a thick skin should I encounter any such feedback. Overall, I feel being part of this community will be much more fertile ground for healing than not.

Joy to Me

My ridiculousness continues.

There have been so many men I have seen or heard about lately whole-heartedly loving on their children. Their deep, deep, love for kids also makes me cry.

Not. with. joy.

Lori really needs to get her joy back.